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Happy Memorial Day! When I say that every year, it reminds me of the time some hot cholita bitch I worked with slapped me in the teefs with her words when I wished her a Happy Memorial Day.

It was a Friday night and while I was leaving work I told her ass to have a happy Memorial weekend. Bitch didn't even miss a beat! She said, "What's so fucking happy about it? Troops died so that you could sip on fruity drinks and run your trick ass freely all around town. I hope you think about that shit this weekend. You better toast to them too! At least toast them with a beer instead of those foofy foofy drinks you're always sipping on!" I almost turned into salt! I'll never forget the way her Sharpie eyebrows twitched and twinkled when she was telling me off. But I still listen to her ass and toast with a beer every year!

And her name was Africa! Yes, a chola beauty named Africa educating me on the meaning of Memorial Day! I love America.

Now I leave you with the microwaved hot dog we call Pamela Anderson trolling the beaches of Malibu yesterday. That better be beer in her cup!

When Glamberace sang with Queen during the American Idol finale, a storm of sequins filled my living room and I actually enjoyed it (blame the good shit). It wasn't hard for me to embrace it, because I figured it was just a one night stand. They all licked each other's nalgas, everyone came glitter and then they skipped off back to their lives. Or did they?

Brian May is now telling Rolling Stone that Queen and Glamberace might rendezvous again..... I think that's our cue to go out to the desert and stick our heads in the sand so we don't have to witness this epic fuckery.

Brian said, “Amongst all that furor, there wasn’t really a quiet moment to talk. But [drummer Roger Taylor] and I are definitely hoping to have a meaningful conversation with him at some point. It’s not like we, as Queen, would rush into coalescing with another singer just like that. It isn’t that easy. But I’d certainly like to work with Adam. That is one amazing instrument he has there.”

Didn't they learn anything from the whole Paul Rodgers thing?! I'd rather Queen just stick a cardboard cutout of Freddie Mercury on stage than bring Glamberace into the band full-time. There's only one true QUEEN in QUEEN and that is that glorious unicorn known as Freddie Mercury!

Our current reigning Hot Slut of the Month, Susan Boyle, returned to the Britain's Got Talent stage last night with freshly pruned brows and a new luscious mop on her head. Since Susan is the most famous cat lady in the world, it seemed fitting that she sang "Memory" from Cats! I'm sure that every Sunday afternoon, Susan dresses up as Grizabella using hairballs coughed off from her cat and waltzes around singing this in her home. At least, I should hope so.

At first, Susan sounds like an old car engine trying to start on an ice cold morning, but then she kicks herself in her vocal chords and out comes the dazzling hummingbird voice that everyone on the planet fell in love with. It's no shock that Susan was voted on to the next round. Even if she ate live babies on stage, she would still make it to the finals. Susan can do no wrong and don't you try to say otherwise! If you don't stand or shed a single tear when Susan serenades you, a place card with your name on it will suddenly appear at the grand dining table in HELL.

And that wasn't a strobe light at the end of her performance. That was God himself beaming through her!

Memaw Ruth Ann! - Miley Cyrus' grandma and the only one who brings the glamour full force in that family. Come to think of it, Memaw Ruth Ann's cotton head of magnificence is more beautiful and elegant than the entire Cyrus clan combined and multiplied a million times! This is some Mars Attack! shit and I mean that as a total compliment.

Dixie Carter (70)
Cillian Murphy (33)
Ethan Suplee (33)
Lauryn Hill (34)
Molly Sims (36)
Jamie Kennedy (39)
Anne Heche (40)
Stacy London (40)
Mike Myers (46)
Connie Sellecca (54)
Eve Ensler (56)
Frank Oz (65)
Ian McKellen (70)