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A little while ago, I woke up from a nap feeling the way Mickey Rourke's face looks. I had a Theraflu-induced nightmare, so I was all disoriented and shit. Not to mention that my face looked like a penis after going to battle with Parasite Hilton's toxic zone area. You know, cacaness, snot, smegma and loogies everywhere! So, I took a baby wipe to my face, opened my inbox and THERE IT WAS. This stunning picture! Suddenly, everything cleared up! I was healed. SAVED! Usually I pucker for eyebrows of the Sharpie variety, but this dude's grizzly brows did things to me. It kind of looks like two wet beavers playing chicken on his forehead, right?

The funny thing is, the owner of these wondrous brows is Dr. Alan Hay of the World Influenza Center. He's working on silencing all the oinks. Little does he know, that the cure is right above his very eyes. All you have to do is still a little piece of his miracle brow in your bong, smoke it and up all your ailments will be cured. Save us, Dr. Hay! Save us!

(Thanks Ryan)

This multi-talented tween star is frequently seen with cute boy stars, most of her own generation. One evening last week, however, she puzzled onlookers by ignoring every boy in the room in favor of talking, drinking, and dancing only with other girls. Is our little sweetheart actually gay? According to some of the girls in attendance, she is “curious” and “exploring her options”. Is she a Pink in the making? Maybe. (Blind Gossip)

Demi Lovato? I get the vibe that there's a mini-butchie inside of her just begging to bust out! In ten years, she'll be walking down Silver Lake Blvd. in XXL Dickies, a wife beater and Timbs.

Which D-list rapper got in a hemp, er, heap, of trouble with event sponsors when he lit up a joint at their bash? They couldn’t kick him out because he was the “big” celebrity name of the night, but they didn’t end up paying him. (Gatecrasher)

I know the answer to this one: ALL OF THEM. Every last one of them. And it has happened to each of them at least a dozen times. The truth. That's it.

This B/C Actress that recently had a public breakup, was seen with her ex’s best friend on two separate occasions. One was at a restaurant eating dinner, the other was when our photographer came upon her car with two huddled figures snuggled inside. When he got closer to take a picture, the best friend was seen putting his/her clothes back on. Calls were made from publicists and lawyers, needless to say no pictures will be published and thus it remains blind. Not Lindsay Lohan. (BuzzFoto via Blind Gossip)

Kate Walsh got caught with her hand in the chocha?

Last week, producers and executives had to be called down to the set of a film that is already getting a lot of hype. It turns out that one of the main actors showed up so high and wasted that he went on a rampage on set. He destroyed props and electrical equipment and wasn’t coherent or responsive to the pleas of crew to get him to stop. When the bigwigs arrived, they fretted over having security escort him off, calling the police, or taking care of the matter privately. They finally decided they didn’t need bad press for the actor’s image and had a private team of security take him and lock him in a private trailer until he came off it. Two days later and back on set, although the crew was pissed, Executives and the actor pretended like nothing had happened. It’s not Jude Law. (BuzzFoto via Blind Smack)

Is Russell Crowe all cunty, because he can't eat his regular 10,000 calories a day since he has to squeeze into his Robin Hood costume? I guess.

Birthday: April 19, 1969
Age: 40
Birth Name: Jesse Gregory James

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 27, 2009
Claim to Fame: Jesse is the owner of West Coast Choppers, which I guess is like hot shit in the motorcycle world. This led to Jesse getting his own show on the Discovery Channel called Monster Garage. Jesse also has his own clothing line, burger joint and a magazine. He's also married to that broad from Speed.

Where is he now? Jesse is on The Celebrity Apprentice and that's where my heart grew fonder for him. Jesse acts and dresses like he just got out of prison! He has those shifty eyes and you don't know where he's going to shank you, rape you or hug you.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because of the description above. And because he won a pie-eating contest! A pie-eating contest. That's reason enough. Clip below:

Image source: Flickr

Again, I repeat, Vanity FAIR. More like Vanity FAIL. The hos at Vanity Fair must all have squeaky clean asses, because Papa Joe probably had to lick every last one of them off in order to get his little froglet on the cover. And IN THIS ECONOMY, I'm surprised Vanity Fair took Jessica Simpson on. How many copies of Photoshop, how many pairs of Spanx and how many gallons of liquid foundation did it take to put this mess together? Not since the Pyramids were built....

I mean, homegirl is pinched, sucked and airbrushed to DEATH. They probably had to have an oxygen tank on the set, because Jess couldn't fucking breath. And by "oxygen tank," I mean Papa Joe's mouth. Ugh.

The article that goes along with these works of Photoshop art is kind of hilarious. The dude says shit like:

"Jessica seemed nervous. Her hands trembled. She ordered a glass of Pinot Grigio. It seemed to calm her. She didn’t want to talk about her weight, so, of course, that’s all I could think of—it gilded each question in my mind: What are you working on now [that you’re fat]? Do you see yourself as part of a class, with Christina and Britney [or are you too fat]? Do you feel that your relationship with Tony Romo has affected his performance as a quarterback [because you are fat]?"

And he adds:

"As an actress, she's slightly less skillful than the actress who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three's Company."

WAIT. Is he downing the legendary Jenilee Harrison?! Jenilee has more talent in her bunion than the entire Simpson family combined! I mean, did he ever witness her genius as Jamie Ewing in Dallas?! He needs to issue an apology and eat his fingers.

You can read the entire interview at VF. I can't wait to see who July's cover ho will be. I'm thinking either Heidi Montag or the skank with the pussy on her face from For Love of Ray J.

Kate Moss or the skinny fat drunk homeless dude who is always shaking is moobs at me? - Egotastic!

I guess Tila Tequila is a fan of mutant dick and golden showers - Hollywood Tuna

Pink is not a part-time pussy lover, so she says - Towleroad

Isn't this how Carnie Wilson always looks? - SOW

Captain Leathah Lollipop Head reporting for duty - Hollywood Rag

I refuse to believe that anyone strangles the cock to Pizza Face Diaz - Popsugar

Aubrey O'Day's heavy flow dress (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Gaston is thisclose to getting a rat tail. Run, Gaston, run!! - Lainey Gossip

This makes sense since Miley Cyrus basically has the brains of a rotten piece of fruit - Celebitchy

Do you think Conan O'Brien's penis is translucent? - Just Jared

John Mayer's new skank sucks at interviews - ICYDK

Cougar nipples - Cityrag

Kelly Ripa needs to put down the barbels before she looks exactly like Vadge's roidy clit - Socialite Life

Oprah is trying to destroy us - I'm Not Obsessed

The open post is going up early today, because I don't know how much longer I can go on! Throw some TheraFlu on me and close the casket. I woke up this morning feeling like a swine tossed my salad last night. As far as I know, one did not. Shit, I didn't even boooze it Hoff-style or kiss any sick peens before midnight. So because I'll be passing out in my saliva on and off today, shit will be slower than usual. Allow Ryan Gosling to keep you warm. You know you've got the serious ills when even Ryan Gosling can't make your no-no chrip. Sick no-no.

Here's Ryan in NYC the other day helping a friend move. No, don't blame the economy. Ryan is doing it as research for some movie role. By the way, that memaw is the luckiest bitch with a walker.

Beyonce was kind enough to give Basement Baby a summer job as a light switcher on her tour and this is the thanks she gets?! At a show in Rotterdam, Sasha Fierce's wig nearly blew off her head when SOMEONE (wink wink nudge nudge) failed to turn on the lights at the right time. This prompted Sasha to sing "LIGHTS! Somebody's gonna get fired" (at the 0:45 mark) before she continued to have an ass seizure onstage.

Well, Basement Baby got her shot and effed it up. We know who's back in the basement this morning, fighting with her mouse friends over the last biscuit crumb.

And after watching that clip above, why do I feel like I've seen this show before in front of Treasure Island in Las Vegas.?

(Thanks Fadhil)

You can't keep a good drunktard down! A couple of days ago, Wino collapsed in St. Lucia, because that's what she does on a daily basis. We call it "passing the fuck out," she calls it "taking a sweet sweep nap." And her spokeswhore calls it "dehydration." After Wino kissed the floor, she was taken to the hospital, but was released a quick minute later. The Sun says that Wino went straight from her IV drip to the bottle. Wino was seen replenishing her fluids at a bar at the Le Sport resort.

Well, it is a scientific fact that booze cures the thirsties, cleanses your organs, kills germs and makes baby kittens smile. So this is just what the doctor ordered! Speaking of, I feel like I'm going to need an Emergen-C-tini soon. This morning, I woke up feeling like I might have the sicks in a bad way. Don't say the OINK word.....

Here's the Crackie Kid showing off her moves with her bodyguard yesterday. Crack off, crack on!

Droopy-faced Maggie Gyllenhaal married beardy-faced Peter Sarsgaard in Italy over the weekend which means that if she took his last name she is now Maggie Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaard. That also means Maggie has taken all the As. There's no more As to give. If you wanted to name your kid Areola or Asshat, don't be surprised when you're told that it's not available because Maggie took all the As.

Anyway, the lumpy bed bug-ridden mattresses made it legal in Brindisi, Italy on Saturday in a small ceremony. They have been together since 2002 and have a 2-year-old daughter.

Of course, Jakey Poo was there. He loves to squeal at wedding! I'm sure he made the purdiest little flower girl ever. Throwing flowers is really his true calling. Reese also tagged along, because someone had to be there to zip up Jakey's leotard and fluff his tutu before he skipped down the aisle.

Source: People

So, this past Saturday, while you were guzzling down boxes of Franzia in between bites of a greasy ass cheeseburger while lounging topless on your kitchen floor, The Hoff was doing the same thing. Although, once again, The Hoff took the drunkery to a whole new level! Radar says The Hoff abused the booze bottle a little too much and checked out. According to their sources, The Hoff's 16-year-old daughter Hayley, who has been down this fuckery before, found him unconscious in his Encino home.

Pamela Bach, The Hoff's estranged ex-wife, drove over to his house after her daughter called for help. Pamela then drove The Hoff's boozed and broken ass to Cedars-Sinai. Radar's sauces (typo and it stays) say The Hoff was "barely breathing" and close to going off to the great big open bar in the sky before doctors got to him. The Hoff was registered with an alochol level of .39. This is his seventh time going to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. He was later released back into the wild.

Yesterday, The Hoff's spokeswhore laughed off the story that he abused the sweet of nectar of the gods. She says the reports were totally exaggerated and The Hoff is doing fine. The Hoff's lawyer tells TMZ that he thinks Pamela leaked the story to Radar.

Normally, my advice would be "use, don't abuse," but The Hoff needs to step away from the liquor cabinet completely. They aren't friends anymore. Have a Crystal Light instead. I mean, a .39?! I know Wino hits that in her sleep, but most of our livers would have put up the white flag at .20.

And imagine that epic soul-killing hangover?! No amount of Emergen-C or Menduo could fix that.