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I'm just going to give it to you straight, because that's what Jack Bauer would want. Kiefer Sutherland straight-up head butted Jack McCullough at SubMercer bar in NYC last night after the MET gala. Jack had to go to the hospital and wasn't released until later today. Jack is one half of the design duo Proenza Schouler.

So why would Kiefer bring down his mighty head upon Jack's nose?! Guest of a Guest says Kiefer was upset over Brooke Shields. YES, they fought over Brooke Shields. Booze, crack, heroin and massive amounts of delusion had to have been involved, because who fights over Brooke Shields anymore? Andre DeShields, ok. Brooke Langton, maybe. But Brooke Shields?!

Kiefer has a girlfriend. Brooke is married. Jack is gay. How did this happen?! My imagination can't even travel to a possible reason for this, but I'll try.....

Maybe the entire bar Kiefer consumed triggered an acid flashback which caused him to see Jack as that damn Christmas tree! You know, the one that's always fucking with him. Kiefer thought it was back for more and he wasn't about to let it get the last laugh, so he headbutted the bitch! Let's relive the memories:

That's really the only reasonable explanation for this, right? A taunting Christmas tree is Kiefer's worst enemy.

I feel like I need to Windex my screen over and over again after looking at pictures of these two. Why does HoHan always have to look like she's been sleeping under a car for the past few days? Not even a Lexus either. Bitch has looks like she's been napping under an '81 Datsun. Can't one of HoHan's friends throw an Adderall into a bath tub, so she can dive after it and get sort of clean? Oh, wait. This is a say something nice. I always forget that.

Okay....um...errr...um... Well, it's a good thing White Oprah wasn't at this event, because then she'd hog up all the good shit during their mother/daughter bonding time in a bathroom stall. That's nice!

Here's these two fresh, pristine and young looking beauties posing inside the bottom of a barrel last night.

Here comes a story from the Department of Obvious. Paula Abdul had an addiction to pain killers. *crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

The only shocking part is that Paula is actually admitting it. Miss "Ahs nevah been drunkz" and "Ahs nevah taken drugz" is actually confessing that she was forever lidocaine's girl. Every back alley pharmacist from here to Phuket is screaming, "Told you so."

Yes, Paula loved the p-killers. The sweet delicious p-killers. She'd eat them for brunch, lunch and dinner. She'd bathe in them before bedtime. She'd cuddle with them at night. And she probably let them kiss her cat a few times. Well, you know she did. Unfortunately, it became a problem and the little Pillhead had to be shuffled off to rehab last November.

In an interview with Ladies Home Journal (via UsWeekly), Paula said it all started years ago when she regularly stuck her ass with lidocaine shots. In 2005, she was diagnosed "reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome" and the pain was so bad that she had to wear a patch that was 80 times more potent than morphine. Paula also took a nerve medication. And a muscle relaxer.

When Paula realized what the world already knows (that she's out of her fucking head), she checked herself into the La Costa Resort in Carlsbad, CA. Paula says, "I could have killed myself. Withdrawal – it's the worst thing. I was freezing cold, then sweating hot, then chattering and in so much pain. It was excruciating. At my very core, I did not like existing the way I had been."

That sounds like every Sunday morning for me. Get yourself some bacon grease and a Gatorade, Paula.

I will say that Paula doesn't seem like she's flying through the stars as much on Idol this year. So maybe she's off the good shit for now. Although, you know she licks that patch every now and again. For special occasions. Speaking of, where oh where can I get one of those patches?! What dealer do I have to call?! That patch sounds like a beautiful thing. I promise I'll be good to it. I'll sing to it. I'll open doors for it. I'll never leave it or do it wrong. GET ME THAT PATCH.

We all should be born with that patch already installed.

What superstar has a seriously annoying girlfriend? She bugs her dude with constant diva-like demands ... even during his golf games! (Gatecrasher)

This might be too too too obvious, but I'll go with Justin Timberdouche and She-Hulk Biel?

Which famous TV (and film) personality once try to off herself? We’ve heard tales before of her abusive past, and the odds she had to overcome to become a success. What has never been publicly revealed was a failed action she once took at the depths of her despair. Ever the consummate planner, she even wrote out instructions as to the exact floral arrangements she wanted at her memorial. (Blind Gossip)

Oh, lord. If I type her name, will I be struck down? Op...No, I felt a little ting. Not going to do it.

Which celebrity couple is nicknamed “Bye-bi STI” for their habit of picking up men or women for threesomes… and leaving them with sexually transmitted infections? (3am Girls)

Sting and Trudie? You know how those kinky tantric bitches do it.

This up an coming B- list television actor is on a very hit ensemble show. He hasn't really done much except for the show, but because of his high name recognition and the show's popularity I am giving him a B-. Anyway, he and this teenager starting dating and it was fairly public until he started dating his C+ co-star. She is C because her name recognition isn't as big. Anyway, our actor has continued to date the teenager and his co-star as well as others. When our actor was out of the country doing press, his co-star found out about the teenager and has vowed revenge. As an added twist, the teenager has been our actor's drug purchaser so that he is never caught actually buying his nose candy. (CDAN)

Chuck Bass (who ironically has the face of a catfish) and that Vanessa broad from Gossip Girl?

Please a take moments from giving your liver a pep-talk before tonight's tequila-filled debauchery, to vote for April's Hot Slut of the Month. April was chock full of piping hot sluts, so I have 5 for you to choose from. Your choices are:

Abel Xavier - SpongeBob's long-lost sexier half-brother. And he's a footballer too.
Scotland's #1 Male Barbie - No description necessary. Period.
Susan Boyle - The most famous crazy cat lady (next to Aniston) on the planet.
Freda Payne - A beautiful disaster with a voice like a drunk lounge singer.
Jesse James - The star of both my nightmares and my wet dreams.

Voting is in the sidebar to the right and the winning slut will be named Thursday. Vote with your LIFE.

Somewhere there's a horse with a cold asshole cursing Eva Longwhoria's name - Just Jared

Don't we look like the HAPPIEST family ever? (Note: that isn't me in blue, but I will be Photoshopping my head over his and sending it out as my Christmas card) - TMZ

Valley of the DON'T: The Anne Hathaway Edition - Lainey Gossip

Are Blake's livelies made of plastic? - Egotastic!

Jessica Biel looks like a bio-female for once and Justin Timberlake looks like a bag of wet dildos, as usual - Hollywood Tuna

Mischa Barton doesn't look a day over haggard (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Glamberace will be the first friend of Dorothy you to win Idol - Towleroad

Heidi Klum is hiding a baby underneath all that taffeta and shit - Popsugar

Beer can art - Cityrag

Peter Andre: "I'm aiming to plant my seed every night." And there goes my Theraflu lunch... - Holy Moly!

Surprisingly enough, Posh Beckham did not have the most "You So Edgy" dress on last night - Hollywood Rag

When Andre Leon Talley hit the red carpet at last night's Costume Gala shit, whores should've scuttled away. There's no topping this! And by that I mean he's totally a bottom. But seriously, an Adidas graduation tarp paired with "pilgrimess at a fancy party" shoes and Aretha Franklin's charm anklet? Only Andre Leon Talley could pull this off. Andre probably just rolled out a bed and onto this outfit. It's that easy for him. I need him to touch me on the forehead and bless me with his fabulousness. Just one glimpse at Andre makes my no-no shimmy and that's a good thing.

If you can't swear during an emergency, when can you? Seriously. Every other word that comes out of my gutter mouth is a "fuck" or "cunt" word, so I can only imagine what I would sound like during a 911 call. The operator would have to wash his ears out with Tidy Bowl and go to confession after he was done with me. When bitches panic, a whole lot of "fucks" tend to come flying out, because they are freaking out! Well, a dumb fuck police officer in Lincoln Park, Michigan doesn't understand this.

When a 17-year-old girl's father, who was at home recovering from brain surgery, had a seizure, she immediately called 911. While the phone was ringing, she said "What the fuck?" I guess 911 starts recording even while the phone is ringing, so the officer heard her curse. His panties got all twisted up and he told her to stop using that kind of language. The girl answered with, "Send me a fucking ambulance!" HA! The cop responded by hanging up on her face!

The girl called a few more times and each time ended with the cop hanging up on her. Yes, the girl kept cursing and threatened to sue him, but the cop also never asked her what the emergency was. He even called her a buffoon. Yeah, what an amazing comeback.

The cop finally called the police department, but made it sound like the girl was the crazy one. While he was doing this, the girl ran a couple of blocks to the police department to get an ambulance. Well, who was there to greet her? Her arch rival, Officer Prudy McPrudester! He arrested her on the spot and booked her for a crime that doesn't even exist.

The girl's father eventually got help and he's recovering at home. The girl and her family got a lawyer and plan to sue the police department.

Obviously, this dude's ears are fragile like fresh spring daisies, so he should probably not be answering 911 calls. All he had to do was tell the girl, "Bitch, calm the fuck down and tell me what the fuck is fucking wrong!" Speak her language! Is that so hard to do?

VIA Boing Boing (Thanks AM)

Victoria Principal's maid, Maribel Banegas, was out walking her master's dog and the beast just wouldn't go caca times. Those of us that have dog friends, have been there. You're waiting for ever for that bitch to drop one and he just won't cooperate. You recite a few lines from GOOP hoping that will move his bowels. When that doesn't work, you sing a few lines of a Heidi Montag song. This is what happened to Maribel. Because Victoria's pooch wouldn't bust a butt nugget, she took longer than normal.

When she got back to Casa De Crazy, Victoria was waiting for her and the insane bitch wasn't happy. Victoria fired Maribel on the spot for taking too long with her dog. When Maribel explained that it was the dog's fault, because it wouldn't take a shit, Victoria disappeared upstairs. When she came back downstairs, she was holding a gun and pointed it at Maribel! That crazy motherfucker still thinks she's in Dallas!

Victoria threatened to kill Maribel and even told another housekeeper to move out of the way so she could shoot her ass! Maribel ran into another room where she locked herself in and called 911. Victoria waited outside of the door the whole time hoping Maribel would come back out so she could shoot her.

Maribel filed a lawsuit alleging assault, false imprisonment and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Maribel is suing for cash money.

Please tell me Victoria was wearing a white satin robe with marabou trimming and lucite bed slippers. Also, please tell me she was holding a glass of champagne with the other hand! Glamour!

Who knew Victoria had a house of crazy living up in her head? Methinks she should loosen her face a bit, because all that tightness is making her insane.

And I blame Victoria's dog for this. He knew exactly what he was doing. Maribel probably denied him steak for lunch and this is how he got back at her.

Source: E! Online

TMZ delivers the shitty news that the awesome Dom DeLuise passed away in his sleep last night at a hospital in Los Angeles. They don't know what the cause of death is right now. Dom was 75.

2009 is taking away our all funny legends. Fuck '09.

Dom starred in ten zillion hilarious movies including The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, The Cannonball Run, The Cannonball Run II, Blazing Saddles, History of the World, Robin Hood: Men In Tights, Spaceballs (as Pizza The Hut) and Silent Movie. Dom was also my favorite host of Candid Camera.

Thank you for a million laughs, Dom! You will be missed.