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No, unfortunately Kara DioGOTOHELLALREADY was not the bitch who was sent back into the gutter of tears. The ho who was axed is after the jump. JUMP!!!

I don't understand Nicole Kidman's new commercial for Schweppes.

I mean, Nicole is supposed to be some wax alien creature in India who befriends Rubina Ali from Slumdog Millionaire. The two run off to some gazebo by the water where they touch each other's faces. Rubina is probably transfixed with Nicole's frozen mug, because it feels just like an empty plastic yogurt container. After that ridiculousness, Nicole runs off to her room while unzipping her dress. She runs into Bollywood star Argun Rampal in the hallway and starts to give him a kiss, but instead she shuffles off. When she's inside her home, she grabs a bottle of Schweppes, drinks it, says "What did you expect?" and then giggles like a dumbass. Cut to Rubina inside of the room giggling with Nicole. WHA?! Touching a child's face by the water? Turning down a hot piece for soda? Unzipping your dress for absolutely no reason? This makes no sense.

But the biggest WTF moment is Nicole drinking Schweppes without vodka, gin or even rubbing alcohol. Ick. Nast. Who drinks that shit straight up?!

VIA Jezebel

Is that a belly button or did Chyna's (NSFW) mutant clit escape and take refuge on Kelly Ripa's stomach? I don't know whether to hiss at it or sit on it.

That didn't take long. Last night, UsWeekly posted some scandalous (not really) shit about how Jon Gosselin is creeping out on the mama je'e of his 8 million kids with a 23-year-old teacher. The brother of Jon's maybe mistress gave an eloquent interview to Us where he used the words "ick" and "nast" when describing his sister's fuck moans with Jon. Well, all parties involved have hit the old "deny" button. First up is Jon's supposed whore!

Deanna Hummel tells People that her brother is a looser (that's how we spell it around here) who will lie for drug money, "My brother is making this all up. He has no credibility ... I can't even stomach the lies he's saying about me. My brother is very shady. He has no job. He has a criminal background. He was charged for drug distribution. He's on probation right now. He wanted to get back at me ... he knows he's getting kicked out of the house."

So what she's basically saying is that her brother will soon be sharing a studio apartment with Jon once Kate puts his ass on the curb.

And what do Jon & Kate have to say about all of this? Jon tells EW, " It's really upsetting. I may be guilty of choosing the wrong time and place to hang out with my friends, but I am not guilty of cheating on my wife. It hurts me to see what it's done to my family, and it's scary to know that these tabloids are in town constantly following us and even paying locals large amounts of money to contribute to these negative stories. It's even gotten so bad that [one tabloid] has reached out to a youth pastor from our church, which in my eyes is completely unacceptable."

Kate added, "It's disturbing and unfortunate that these tabloids have gone as far as they have to try and bring us down. Jon's poor judgment and irresponsible behavior has also without a doubt caused some added tension and stress between the two of us."

Any bit of life Jon's nutsack had left was sucked out when Kate said that last part. I think I'm falling in love with Kate. I know most of the world wants to stuff her into a cage and leave her out in the sun all day, but I can't help it. She's such a fucking CUNT. With all capitals. Nothing warms my heart more than a major cunt who embraces her cunty ways.

Not since the great Popeye's uprising of two weeks ago, has there been a revolt this big over delicious chicken! As some of you may know, The Mighty Oprah handed down coupons for a free grilled chicken meal for today alone to absolutely fucking everyone! It has created CHAOS! I think a few dozen people already threw themselves out of office windows, because they couldn't get the stupid thing to print. And some whores that did manage to print out a coupon are getting SHUT DOWN when they go to their local KFC to get their chicken!

Gothamist reports that at a KFC on 42nd and Madison in NYC, bitches have staged a sit-in after they were told Oprah's free lunch was no longer valid. One person who was there wrote in, "I went over to our nearest KFC a few minutes ago...and chaos ensued. Despite the very visible grilled chicken behind the register, the manager told everyone with coupons to leave and that the promotion was over for the day. The people there are currently holding a sit-in and refusing to leave until they get their free chicken...or the cops are called. Racial epithets were being spewed, people who actually wanted to pay for chicken were facing a potential beatdown, and the manager ran from the screaming horde. Oprah, what have ye wrought?"

PETA is in their offices right now, laying back and jacking off to this. They are loving it. But seriously, over GRILLED chicken?! I could see if it was fried chicken, but grilled?! What in the eff am I supposed to do with grilled chicken? Stare at it?! Bitches are nuts. They should just go chew on a tire instead, because it probably tastes the same.

You know who else is jacking it to this? OPRAH herself! It's the power of the O at work! Gayle is going to get it good tonight, because this has put O in the best mood ever.

You are cordially invited to the lobster-themed wedding of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper and yours truly now that Maine has said "fuck yes" to gay marriage. Reeeejoice! - Towleroad

Lucy Pinder is Whoreverine - Hollywood Tuna

Introducing the new Chloe Lattanzi - Just Jared

Megan Fox sexy, blah, blah, hot, douchy tattoos, blah, blah, Elle - Egotastic!

Chris Pine is topless and it's not making my peen sing - Popsugar

Liv Tyler and Stella McCartney are the only two bitches on this planet who can stomach hanging out with Kate Hudson two nights in a row - Lainey Gossip

Cameltoe Rescue Center - Cityrag

That chick in the Thriller video (no, not Jacko) wants to get paid - Hollywood Rag

Ka-Doos!!! - Best Week Ever

Heather Graham looks busted (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Here's a clip of a tiny hamster with a serious case of the tireds. You'd always want to be napping too if you had fluffy balls like that to lay on all day and night.

AND when he isn't sleeping, he can totally teabag himself!

VIA Videogum

No, seriously, just go go go go GO far far away. I'm going to keep this recap simple, because everybody sounded like glorious rock angels sent from Led Zeppelin heaven compared to the terrorist attack that is Danny Chokey.

Chokey must pay for whatever it is came out of his shit hole last night. The FCC needs to fine him, his church needs to excommunicate him and Peta needs to pour a gallon of red paint down his throat, because thousands of chickens WERE strangled to death in the making of that sound. During dress rehearsal, the stage manager fell down the stairs and had to go to the hospital. All signs point to Chokey's screech from hell. It is the cause of all the wrongdoings in this world.

The only good that could have come out of Chokey's "baby hyena in a blender" screech is if Simon Cowell threw Kara DioSTFUALREADY towards it and she turned into a pile of salt. Then Paula would've run on stage and snorted her up. If that happened, Kara wouldn't have embarrassed herself even more with the whole "Crazy" is "early Aerosmith" comment. Stupid bitch.

Chokey's performance should seal the deal. He basically sang his own execution song last night. Somebody should check on Steven Tyler, because I think hearing Chokey absolutely murder one of his songs caused him to dig a grave just so he could lie down and turn in it.

With all that being said, Cockey won't be put down tonight. The judges completely shrugged off that epic suckery off. Most of them said that Danny just wasn't in his element. If by "element" they meant "singing," then they are right. But that's not what they meant.

All signs still point to a Glamberace/Cockey finale. And this grosses me out. It should be Manic Panic's best girlfriend, Allison! Didn't her duet with Glamberace pretty much confirm this? I mean, Allison was pretty perfect last night. When she sang, empty bottles of Jack Daniels and cartons of Marlboro Reds danced around me. She already has the voice of a middle-aged crackhead rock star who may or may not love the pussay. How can you not love that?

As for Kris Allen, I hope you got enough of his "jizzing in a tube sock" facial expression last night, because I think he is done. You won't see them anymore. His army of horny tweens can't save him now.

Now on to GLAMBERACE! Breaking news! For once in my life, I actually liked him. Yes, everyone was waiting for THE QUEEN to take on Queen, but his version on Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" kind of stroked me the right way (my apologies for that lunch-killing visual). This was mostly because Glamberace is built like Foghorn Leghorn, so that's who I pictured singing this. That made a whole world of difference.

Now on to predictions:

Who will face execution?: Allison & Kris
Who will be executed?: Sadly, Kris....

P.S. - SLASH: I would totally let him rub my no-no with his nose ring. Who knew Slash could ever make me pucker?

Posh Beckham was at Macy's in NYC today to unveil this 20-foot tall picture that will terrorize the store. After looking at it, I'm thinking Posh has a lot of calls to return later today....

A starving marmoset called, it wants its face back.
Two wrecking cranes called, they want their steel balls back.
A science lab skeleton called, it wants its toroso back.
Double Trouble called, she wants her whipping tail back.
And finally, food called, its wondering when Posh is going to stop by for a visit. It misses her.