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According to Congressman Steve Buyer of Indiana, smoking lettuce is just like smoking cigarettes. Why do I picture a strung out bunny and a whorey guinea pig sharing a lettuce joint in a back alley?

Good ole' Steve's theory got me thinking about smoking lettuce, so I decided to do some extensive research (aka a ten-second Google search) on the subject. I found this about iceberg lettuce:

When cut, the stems of lettuce plants ooze a milky juice whose appearance, taste, and smell are said to be similar to opium. Once dried, the substance is called lactucarium, or lettuce opium. Used by the ancient Egyptians, the stuff was listed in the Pharmacopeia of the United States of America as late as 1916. It can still be found in herbals and such, which describe it as a sedative and cough suppressant. Lettuce opium can be found in all lettuce species but is most commonly extracted from wild lettuce, Lactuca virosa.

Grab my salad spinner, we're going lettuce huntin'! Do you think you can flavor your lettuce joints with different kinds of dressing?

Don't be surprised if you see me on an episode of Intervention muttering to myself "fix fix gotta get my - lettuce - fix fix" while trolling the produce section of a grocery store.

And here's some pictures of Amy Wino in St. Lucia yesterday, because I'm sure she tries to smoke every single thing she comes in contact with.

Today is Jon & Kate's 10th wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary, I guess?

While Jon was off trying to make his nuts grow back by sprinkling seeds and saliva from his mistress on his crotch area, Kate spent the day building a bouncy castle for her kids. Well, she also spent the day giving angry oral to a popsicle and almost flashing her "other" tortured beaver to the world. Meanwhile, a plastic bag from DICK's laid down beside her. Kate Gosselin + her "other" beaver + angry oral + DICKS = self-castration. LIGHT BULB! So that's what happened to Jon!

As much as I admire Kate for being the master cuntress of cuntness, I don't want to think about her like that! In my mind, Kate doesn't bother with dick. If a peen gets near her, she yells at it until it turns inside out and runs up into the stomach. This would explain why she's such an enormous bitch.

Wait. Hold up. Am I saying that in order to be a cunt of epic proportions, you have to give up peen? Shits. I may have to think re-think my life's purpose.

Stephen Baldwin is currently shitting in a hole in the ground and sleeping outside on I'm Not A Celebrity.... Why Are People Paying Attention To Me?!. When Stephen gets back to the US, he may once again find himself shitting in a hole in the ground and sleeping outside. That's because bitch is losing his house.

The Associated Press says that on June 24, Stephen's house in Rockland County, NY will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Stephen and his wife Kennya owe around $824,000 in payments. They paid $515,000 for the property back in 1997 and tried to see that mess for $3.4 million in 2006, but failed. Bitch should have called Lisa LaPorta from Designed to Sell. That crafty midget would've made it happen!

I'm sure this has NOTHING to do with Stephen baptizing Spencer TWATT's dark-sided ass on TV, right? Cut to God with a guilty look on his face.

I love it when signs talk dirty to you - Cityrag

Getting Milked: Dustin Lance Black co-stars in a gay sex tape (NSFW) - ONTD

Gis Budchen is greasy and half-nekkid. Just a regular day at the office. - Egotastic!

What kind of self-respecting slut would admit that they've never had a one time fuck? - Popsugar

Picture proof that glitter sprays out of Glamberace's ass. No, that isn't coming from the can! - Towleroad

Waldo's long-lost hairy gay brother surfaces - Just Jared

Coke shrinks your bubbies - Hollywood Tuna

Sophisticated whore from the past: Alicia Douvall (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Please direct Cristiano Ronaldo to the quarantine center - Hollywood Rag

Johnny Depp is a hot stick of sex even though he has T-Boz hair - Lainey Gossip

Last night in Hollywood, Michael Douglas was honored by the American Film Institute and his shiny trophy was right there to next him smiling like she means it. That's why Cubic Zirconia Jones is an icon to all gold diggers. Yes, CZJ acts in movies sometimes, but being a trophy wife is her first priority. And she does it oh so well!

When Michael's colostomy bag spills in the middle of the night, CZJ probably doesn't even bat an eye. Well, I don't think she can bat her eye at all, because of ze Botoz. But if she could, she still wouldn't. She simply slips into her marabou-lined slippers, waltzes to the bathroom, makes sure her make-up is perfect and then quietly calls for the maid to come clean Michael's caca up. A classy whore in every way.

Jen Nestor knew that some shit was not right with her dog Jack after he finished off three plates of nachos, barked about conspiracy theories, watched 4-hours of Yo Gabba Gabba! and howled at everything she said. Jen finally took Jack to the vet after he barfed up what she describes as "liquid marijuana." Is it gross to admit that I probably would've smoked that shit up? I can feel you nodding "yes" from here.

Jen thinks that Jack might have found and eaten a secret stash of marijuana at Seward Park. A couple of months earlier, some dude found a duffel bag in the park filled with 5 pounds of the good shit. Jen went on to yap that while visiting the park, Jack ran off on his own for only a few minutes. Three hours later, he was stumbling around and riding high on the green cloud.

Jack's vet induced vomiting to get the weed out of his system. The bill came to around $1,500! Hey, who said a good time was cheap.

Jen laughs about it now and warned Jack to stay away from drugs from now on. Yeah right, lady. Look at Jack's eyes! Jack got a taste of the herb and he's not going back. Jen should seriously keep three eyes on him! If she doesn't, she might find Jack trolling the park with his tongue hanging out and begging for just one hit. It happens to the best of us.

P.S. - I'll race you to Seward Park!

Jimmy Fallon got to play beer ping bong with Betty White last night! Not Benefiber ping pong, BEER ping pong. This just proves that Betty White is seriously the hottest bitch in the game. If my own abuelita wouldn't beat me with her chankla and tie me to a tree, I'd say I wished Betty White was my memaw.

Jimmy ended up winning the game, but that's just because Betty took pity on his ass.

The elegant one bestowed her beauty upon Miami yesterday without her exquisite lucite heels on her feet. Even soulmates need a break from each other every now and again. Yes, The Empress of Lucite can still float over the sand with bare feet. We really don't know the half of her powers. Besides, I'm sure her exquisite lucite heels were busy feeding orphans in a third world country or rocking the angels in heaven to sleep.

I'm sure you're wondering (not really) why Shauna Sand always changes her bikini when she's at the beach? Well, the truth is that her rays of elegance burns through mortal-made materials, so she has to change frequently. If she didn't, her bikini would burn off and then thousands of people would be blinded by her sheer beauty. Shauna changes her bikini for the sake of humanity!

Before the love was lost: Peter Andre looking for any peens that might have been left behind in Katie Price's yes-yes hole - Holy Moly!

Daddy Spears and KFed made a deal. Brit Brit gets more time with her Cheetolings and KFed gets more cheeseburgers - Celebitchy

St. Angie said "fuck no" to Harper's Bazaar - ICYDK

Jessica Simpson wearing one of Mr. Furley's favorite sleepytime shirts - I'm Not Obsessed

Gene Simmons needs to eff himself in the culo with his own tongue - Scandalist

Robert Buckley is joining the cast of "One Tree Hill." Hopefully, he's playing a character who is deathly allergic to wearing clothes - Socialite Life

Birds with arms - Urlesque

House is the most popular TV show in the universe!!! - HuffPo

Miley Cyrus posted a picture on her Twatter of her bad ass nose stud, but there's more important shit to discuss. What in (please click on this) TG Fabulicious Hell is going on with Miley's hairline? Every time she talks, does her sand paper (grit 600) voice rub off some of her hair? Or maybe when her mom Tish gets hongray, she nibbles at her daughter's hairline? Yeah, Tish's shiny tombstone teefs don't look that innocent.

By the time Miley's 18 she's going to look like a wigless Phil Spector!