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Right after going caca times, have you ever thought to yourself before wiping, "Ugh. It's too far to reach. Fuckit." Well, the Comfort Wipe is the product your asshole has been praying for! Your chonies will love it too! "Not since the 1880s" (Can I have WTF?) has there been an invention that improves the task of wiping your own ass with "archaic" toilet paper. It's like a squeegee for your butt!

Seeeeriously, how is this any easier? You have to pull out The Shit Stick, attach a piece of toilet paper to it, lift your ass up, aim for the brown eye, wipe and then release. Not to mention that you have to clean it every week when the flies start having a party on it. Well, I guess it gets clean when you use it to scrub your back in the shower.

What's the opposite of making sense? THE COMFORT WIPE!.

That being said, every ho in my family is getting one of these for Christmas! The "big guys" in my family are getting two!

P.S. - The memaw at the 0:45 mark probably can't wipe her ass on her own, because she's too hopped up on pills. Just a guess.

VIA Best Week Ever

For the second night in a row, Cristiano Ronaldo ignored the CDC's warnings and spent time with the corroded crotch growth that is Parasite Hilton.

On Thursday night, Parasite and Cristiano met at club before going back to Nicky Hilton's house where they most likely played a little game of "Pin the Herp Sore on the Peen." Last night, Cristiano showed up to Parasite's "GO AWAY" party. Parasite off to Dubai for a few weeks to shoot her reality doody show My New BFF. The Sun says that Cristiano only stayed for a couple of hours. Ugh. That's still enough time for him to stick his skin rod into her cesspoon of destruction.

Cristiano needs to curb his dick before someone really gets hurt! He needs to think of his glorious eyebrows! One morning he's going to wake up and they are going to be gone! They aren't going to put up with him making gross toxic love with Wonky! Or even worse, Wonky's lethal snatch fumes could burn his eyebrows right off! Think of your brows, man! You obviously worked hard at getting them to look so sweet, precious and fragile. Eyebrows, you in danger girl!

Here's Wonky arriving at some studio in L.A. yesterday afternoon with Tinkerbell in her hands. Tinkerbell must have been taking charm lessons at Barbizon, because she didn't learn to keep her legs closed from her owner.

Katie Holmes took Suri to buy a new friend at the American Girl Place store in Los Angeles yesterday, but she really should have gone to a back alley pharmacy instead to pick up a different kind of doll. The kind of doll that comes in a pretty orange bottle marked HALCION. That shit probably isn't allowed in The House of Cooze, but she should stuff it in Suri's dolly so she can smuggle it in.

The saddest part is that Katie's "zombie with a hangover" face didn't come from excessive boozing. It came from being exposed to Tommy's excessive craziness. Somebody hit her snooze button.

Here's more of the weepy little robot with Suri yesterday. Suri is becoming a master at discreetly flipping off us off.

Maddox's nemesis was honored at the Crystal + Lucy Awards yesterday for her contribution to film and the tabloid industry. By the way, I knew two sisters in junior high school named Crystal and Lucy. They wanted to be cholas so bad, but their facial features just weren't made for dark lip liner and Sharpie eyebrows. They gave up on that dream and decided to get knocked up at the same time instead. It warms my no-heart that they have an entire awards show named after them now. If anyone deserves it, they do.

While accepting her award, Jenny Aniston once again joked about her love life, "I have a strange parallel with movies I was doing and my life off screen. First, it was The Good Girl...which evolved into Rumor Has It, followed by Derailed. Then there was The Breakup. Followed by the lighter side, Friends With Money. If anyone has a movie called Everlasting Love With an Adult Stable Man, that would be great! I'm at table six, and my agents are at table 12."

Then Jennifer laughed like she's never laughed before! Then slowly her laugh turned into a quiet cry which turned into a category 7 Tsunami of tears. Then she pulled pieces of her own hair out while mumbling, "You stupid, stupid, stupid, you stupid stupid..."

But seriously, Jenny's next movie is called The Baster, so she maybe she should put on her sexiest dress and start cruising the kitchen utensil section of Crate & Barrel.

Here's more of Jenny last night looking hot while wearing a beautiful dress made by Reynolds Wrap. She used her dress later to make a delicious meal of roasted chicken and vegetables....for one.

Usher has officially filed papers asking for The BIG D from Tameka Foster. No, not the "big dick." Usher wants to quit that bitch after nearly 2 years of being tied down to her legally. There were rumors on Thursday that Usher filed that morning, but he actually waited until Friday. TGIF?

A source told People that for about a year Usher has been staying away from Tameka. Probably because her nutstack hangs lower than his and he's always been self-conscious of that. It's understandable. The source said that Tameka hasn't been bothered by Usher not being around to crank her cock, because she spends her time focusing on their two baby sons and the three sons she has with another dude.

You know Usher's mother is going to be doing the moonwalk all around town while singing her own acoustic version of The Hives' "I Hate To Say I Told You So." That image will get me through the weekend. And so will the image of Tameka hiking up her chonies (the ones with the dick hole) to battle Usher for that MONEY. Git it! Unleash your T-rex jaw of fury on Usher's checking account!

UPSET!!! Dorota from Gossip Girl has won Dlisted's "Feel This Bitch" prize at Logo's NewNowNext Awards. Dorota beat out The Woz, The First Lady of Cameroooooon, Tammie Brown and Kim Zolciak's gutter mop.

Here I was thinking you would vote Kim Zolciak's kitchen ass wig to the top! It has been through so much. When Logo asked my ass to pick 5 hos who I feel will come up in a big way this year, I immediately thought of the tortured beast on Kim's head. I pictured it starring in a burlesque show in Reno, getting its own public access talk show and maybe even marrying Kate Gosselin's fried possum head in the wedding of the century. Oh well, maybe next year.

Thanks to all who voted! The NewNowNext Awards airs tonight at 9. For those of you whose unscrambled cable boxes don't get Logo, you can watch the show here if you want.

Speaking of unscramble cable boxes, I almost got arrested once for having one! That's a story for another day.

Susan Tyrrell - Star of such highly-acclaimed (by my bong and me) motion pictures as Angel, Avenging Angel, Cry-Baby, Andy Warhol's Bad, Big Top Pee-Wee, Poison Ivy 2: The New Seduction and Powder! Meryl Streep wishes her resume looked like that!

Image via Flickr

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