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The keeper of the unicorns was almost trampled to death by a mob of horny hyenas in NYC today. RPattz was making his way back to his trailer on the set of his movie Remember Me when the fangirls were unleashed and tried to impregnate themselves by dry fucking him. I can smell the chonie cheese from here and it's thick!

Somebody give them the q-tip! Turn the hose on them! Give them a squeaky toy to hump on! What am I blabbing about? None of that would work! Even if you tasered their asses and peppered them in the eyes at the same time, they still wouldn't let up. These psychos had a whiff of RPattz's magic dust and they are in the zone! Nothing can stop them.

The city of New York should probably keep a judge on set at all times to hand out restraining orders, because these crazy bitches are thisclose to crawling through the shit pipe to get into his trailer.

That being said, this whole scenario would be considered perfectly sane if you replaced RPattz with Prince Hot Ginge and the curly-haired loon in the plaid with me.

And there's video:

LiLo was bored today, so to kill time in between killing time, she posted this old picture on her Twatter. She took the picture on the set of the best thing she's done EVER: the Fornarina commercial. Since HoHan brought it up, let's relive this magical disaster:

VIA Radar

Don't ask me why I was such a huge Wilson Phillips fangay when I was a kid in the early 90s. They were like the greatest thing to me. None of my friends understood, but their moms did. I remember singing along with one of my friends' mothers to "Impulsive." I even choreographed a dance number to it and showed it off to her on the driveway of her house. And I wonder why the other kids threw sand at me whenever I passed them in the playground.

Because I had such a strange fascination with Chyna, Carnie Asada and that other one, I still get excited whenever I see one of their names pop up anywhere. Carnie Asada's name is making the rounds today, because she had a BABEH!!!!!!!

UsWeekly says that Carnie and her totally heterosexual husband Rob Bonfigilio welcomed a new baby girl into this miserable world on Friday in Los Angeles. Carnie and Rob named her Luciana Bella. They also have a 4-year-old daughter named Lola Sofia.

Luciana Bell and Lola Sofia? Did Teresa from The Real Housewives of New Jersey name them? Spoiler Alert: Teresa is totally going to name her next kid Luciana Bella Lola Sofia.

Congratulations to Carnie and her husband (HE LOVES VAGINA). After bonging and boozing tonight, I will try to perform my Ballet de Impulsive in her honor.

On May 29th, PS17 in Brooklyn gathered a group of kiddies in the school auditorium to watch Disney's Camp Rock starring Demi Lovato and the Jonas Brothers. Instead of Camp Rock, they got 45 seconds of hardcore porn. No, it wasn't called CAMP COCK: What Purity Ring?.

The New York Post says that kindergartners, first-graders and fifth-graders got an eye-full of a topless chick doing nasty sex acts on the jumbo screen. It played for 45-seconds before one of the teachers pulled the DVD player's plug out of the wall. Other teachers screamed to the kiddies to cover their eyes!

That night, the principal sent a letter to the parents promising them that the evil doer responsible for subjecting their kids to hardcore porn would be caught! The DVD player is usually kept locked in his office, but it was later moved to a different office where anybody could've switched the DVD. The teacher who set up the DVD player in the auditorium didn't realize what was going on, because they walked away to get the disc for Camp Rock.

One parent, who might be a Catholic pilgrim virgin, is so disgusted, because she doesn't even kiss in front of her 6-year-old daughter! The parent said, "She doesn't need to see that! I don't even like to kiss in front of her because I think she's too young. So I'm very angry." I can see her being angry about her kid seeing porn, but doesn't she realize that one of the Jonas Brothers kisses Demi Lovato on the cheek in Camp Rock. Not that I've seen it or anything.....

To be honest, 45-seconds of porn is less disturbing than 90 minutes of the Jonas Brothers. You know, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the director's cut of Camp Rock. Disney is the House of Whores, so maybe they are just being more honest about it nowadays.

Kelis is broke, or at least she's pretending that her checking account is on life support. TMZ reports that Kelis has been forced to put her change cup in front of Nas' face and is begging him to pay for everything! Kelis' lawyer filed papers claiming that her estranged husband isn't paying for dick even though he has more money than Quween on the Scene.

Kelis wants spousal support, child support, 50% of medical expenses, $20,000 for supplies for their unborn baby and another $3,500 for a baby nurse.

Kelis says that while married to Nas, she became used to bathing in diamonds and wiping her ass with $100 bills. She writes, "There were many expensive pieces [of jewelry] such as a princess-cut diamond tennis bracelet that was recently appraised for $190,000. My engagement ring is an approximately nine-carat cushion-cut diamond solitaire. I have numerous watches...such as Cartier, Rolex, Frank Muller and Chopard." Kelis went on to moan, "My survival is based on [Nas'] will at this time. If he does not want to pay for an expense, it does not get paid."

It sounds like it's time for Kelis to take her milkshake to the local pawn shop and sell some shit! Actually, I don't mean that. I'd be just like Kelis. I'd empty all my checking accounts, stuff the money in shoe boxes hidden under my bed and then claim that I'm poor so that my ex could pay up. If that didn't work, you'd see me in line at the WIC office with a baby in one arm and my other arm covered in diamonds.

Bitch is doing everything she can to keep from going to the place where all celebwhores run to for a quick check: Dancing with the Has-Beens.

Serious business woman Vicki from The Real Classy Housewives of Orange County is giving Gretchen a run for her trashy ho money by getting a tattoo ...on her ass.... in a bar - Radar

Sookie's bare stackhouses are back on True Blood - Egotastic!

Fuggie Fug should be covering her face with her hands, not her bubbies - Hollywood Tuna

Drew Barrymore looking like she just got a facial from Mah Boo Andy Cooper - Just Jared

Bloated-Han sipping on 80-proof water in the Hamptons - Lainey Gossip

Sparkly vampire in Manhattan - Popsugar

RiRi in a sex tape! But it could also be Halle Berry. Or Diahann Carroll. Or me in a wig. (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

I'd hit it X 15 - Cityrag

Lady CaCa Nugget - Hollywood Rag

Why did Banksy have to make ice cream look like Tommy Girl's ass after an orgy - Towleroad

After Bruce Willis married 32-year-old model Emma Herring, they didn't release or sell any wedding pictures. Instead, they decided to share their love for each other with the world by posing in a half-nekkid bondage-themed photo shoot for W Magazine. Nothing says "what a loverly couple" like killer clowns, chains, latex and a jacket made from Vadge's sascrotch.

As much as I'm tingling (not really) over seeing Bruce's 54-year-old junk stuffed into flesh-colored chonies, it feels like Posh & Becks have done this shoot a zillion times. Shit. Their family album probably looks just like this. I mean, Emma basically looks like Posh going to Starbucks....LAST YEAR.

This shoot needed less of them looking constipated and confused and more of Bruce showing the goods. Emma's titty sacks make an appearance twice, but Bruce doesn't even flash a little of his Willis wang. Not even the tip.

Click here to see more NSFWish pictures from the shoot. You can also read the article that goes with this shit here, but it's basically just them jacking each other off over and over again.

This clip from CoCo's photo shoot for Smooth Magazine is so classy that you will want to put on your finest and curtsy before it. I found myself raising my pinky halfway through, because it felt like I was having tea with the Queen of England. CoCo proves that she is the meaning of refinement at the 5:06 mark. This is definitely the work of Merchant Ivory Productions.

Since the mainpage of this site is a den of cheap snankness, I put Lady CoCo's work of fine art after the jump. It is too pure and special to be associated with trash! JUMP!!!

If Norma Rae had a pair of gorgeous eyebrows, traveled around town on a power chair, loved sparkly stickers and had a dozen empty White Castle containers under her bed, her name would be Ariel Wade! Ariel Wade of Minnesota is getting ready to rumble against White Castle for discriminating against her when she was just trying to buy some deliciousness!

It was just after midnight when Ariel zoomed on over to her local White Castle on her electric mobility scooter. Ariel wheeled on up to the drive-thru window, but they refused to serve her! They turned down a hongray disabled woman! And might I add, a hongray disabled woman with truly spectacular eyebrows!

The dumb whores at White Castle told Ariel that the window was only for people in cars. They made Ariel MADDER THAN FISH GREASE! Even though that makes zero sense to me, I'm still going to recycle that term as much as I can. I mean, fish grease has never looked "mad" to me. Lazy and a skeezy, maybe. But not MAD.

Ariel didn't let White Castle get her down. She rolled on over to McDonald's. They served her, but told her not go to through the drive-thru again.

When White Castle was contacted about the incident, they said that drive-thru is only for cars, because they don't want pedestrians to get ran over. White Castle also apologized to Ariel and offered her free food, but she SHUT THEM DOWN. Yes, Ariel turned down free food. She really is madder than fish grease.

Ariel has hired a lawyer and will do whatever it takes to make sure every person in this country can get processed, greasy food no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. I will fight the fight with Ariel, because this is a cause that is near and dear to me. Everyone in America should be able to get their arteris clogged at all times.

I also need to echo the statement left by a YouTube commenter about Ariel: "I guess it's debatable whether she is in the right in this case, but somehow the way she expresses herself about it just makes me love her. I'll bet she has some drag queen friends."

I bet she has chola drag queen friends. I think I love her too.

Which stateside shambles of a celebrity brought more than a suitcase with them on their recent trip to London. The woman was found to have nits in her eyebrows by a make up artist on a shoot. GROO! (Holy Moly via Blind Gossip)

This is a serious situation. Lice eggs in eyebrows?! A crime against eyebrows is a crime against EVERYTHING. My only guess is HoHan and somebody please through RID on her firebrows now!

This television actor has a reputation as being a great family guy. In fact, he seems like one of the last few genuinely nice guys left in Hollywood. The truth is quite a bit seedier. You see, he’s supporting a stripper on the side to the tune of $20,000 per month. Sure, that’s a lot of money - and it’s sad that his wife likely doesn’t know what’s going on - but there’s one fact that makes this really difficult for all the parties involved: the actor is actually totally and completely head-over-lucite-heels in love with the pole girl. (Blind Gossip)

You see what the power of the lucite can do? I have no clue, but The Empress of Lucite's exquisite lucite heels are definitely sparkling something extra today after hearing this rumor. Just for cacas, I'll guess Kevin James?

Which female fans of a highly desired actor are wasting their time? No, he’s not gay, he’s actually celibate but it hasn’t been leaked for fear of running his sexy screen god image. (NW Magazine via Blind Gossip)

The keeper of the magical unicorn forest, RPattz?

Bad Drug Behavior - This former B list television actress was on a hit initial show and now has said goodbye to that and has dropped to a quick C. Anyway, she is known for her love of meth and at a wrap party at the end of the season, our actress decided that she was going to drive her B- list aging comic co-star's SUV through a garage door at the party. A closed garage door. After she had crashed through the door and dented the wall of the kitchen someone asked her why she had done it, and she said just because it was something she had always wanted to do. Nice. (CDAN)

Stephanie Tanner strikes again! This has Mischa Barton's methface written all over it, but I have no idea who the pepaw is?