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Michelle Pfeiffer to Instyle (via P6) on being called a cougar:

"I so hate that term! Colette wrote these novels [about older women with younger men] so long ago, but even today they're ahead of their time in the way we perceive women's power and sexuality."

This cougar is not amused:

Here's non-cougar Michelle with her husband David E. Kelley at a screening for her movie Cheri (which is about a cougar) in NYC last night.

Ryan Reynolds is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and at first I thought the Photoshop wizards got carried away, but then I remember my no-no slobbering over his abs recently. So I googled it and got confirmation. Ryan's abs really do look like they were hand-painted by Brooke Hogan's airbrusher. How does hair grow on something that hard? I bet ScarJo has to put a pillow on his stomach whenever she rides him in reverse. If she doesn't, his concrete abs could split her ass bone in two. Ow.

Ryan must do sit-ups non-stop. Even in his sleep. Some bitches sleepwalk, Ryan sleepcrunches.

The first season of The Real Housewives of NJ was all about that damn book and I'm guessing the second one is going to be all about Danielle's supposed sex tapes! You know this was coming next. Unfortunately, Danielle's fuck tape partner is Steve Zalewski, the 27-year-old she dated on the show. The one who suffers from a serious case of BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT.

Steve tells Star Magazine that he has several tapes of Danielle doing sexy to him and herself. Steve says Danielle is a freak who wanted to bone all the time and everywhere. They did it in restaurant bathrooms and in a car parked at a police firing range.

Steve is peddling the tapes for a pretty penny, because he says Danielle owes him. Steve said, "She tries to look affluent. But sometimes she couldn't pay the household bills or buy food. Even then, she'd want to borrow 20 grand from me to buy jewelry! I'm definitely weighing my options as far as selling them and getting them out there. She cost me so much money, why shouldn't I make a few dollars?"

Why would Steve want to embarrass himself even more? Everyone is already making fun of his nasty ass because he's a 27-year-old who looks like a retired used car salesman with bad halitosis and permanently chapped nipples. Does he really want us all to see his wrinkly nalgas and seasoned nutsack?

As for Danielle, she would have a sex tape. It's the next step in whorevolution. Stripper, hooker, gold digger and then pornstar!

When Brit Brit and her Droopy Dog nipples walked into McDonald's in London today those whores better have got on their knees and started worshiping at her feets. Seeing Brit Brit at McDonald's is the equivalent of seeing Amy Winehouse in a crackhouse or Parasite Hilton in a free clinic. A god at their church! Actually, it's also like seeing Brit Brit at a Starbucks, Del Taco, AM/PM, Arby's and anywhere else they sell processed greasy deliciousness.

Billy Joel and his third wife Katie Lee Joel have separated. This is good news for Billy since he can slap Fishsticks Paltrow in the teefs the next time she calls him "William." He doesn't have to hold back anymore.

Billy and Katie issued a statement to the NYDN and confirmed that their marriage is lying lifeless in the gutter, "After nearly five years of marriage, Billy and Katie have decided to separate. This decision is the result of much thought and consideration. Billy and Katie remain caring friends, with admiration and respect for each other."

There were rumors a little while ago that Katie and Billy's marriage had hit the skids, because she was out dry humping fashion designer Yigal Azrouel. Their spokeswhore denies that their split has anything to do with Yigal. Some source close to the two said Katie and Billy's age difference fucked it up for them. He's 60 and she's 27. The source said, "They grew apart. She is very career-oriented. She loves going out. She loves the city. When Billy isn't touring, he'd rather be on Long Island with his motorcycles and boats."

You know what I think happened? Billy woke up one day and realized he's not married to a real human being! Did you see Katie on the first season of Top Chef? My toilet seat has a more sparkling personality than Katie. I bet the inside of that bitch's body looks like the game Operation. Plastic organs and shit!

If Billy wants to get out of paying alimony, he could probably argue that their marriage is invalid due to the fact that she's an inanimate object. There's not a court in this country who would disagree with him!

Behind-the-scenes shots from the making of the Pirelli calendar including the happiest sloth in the world - Egotastic!

Heather Graham, then Kristin Calamari, then Horsey Montag and now Doutzen Kroes. That dress is the biggest whore ever! - Hollywood Tuna

Reese Witherspoon's bitchface is not convincing - Lainey Gossip

JLo with a fake baby bump on the set of her movie Not The Baster But The Other One - Just Jared

Manwhore Adrian Grenier might be settling down with a chick who shares his initials - Popsugar

Katie Price's atomic bomb boobies destroy a sweater (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Marc Jacobs and his bearded lovah might make it legal in P-Town - Towleroad

Jacko is giving me serious fever in his fierce leopard pants - Hollywood Rag

When are Amy Wino's parents going to have a little conversation with Daddy Spears over cheese grits? - ICYDK

Kate Gosselin will spank her kid if she wants to - Celebitchy

If Sanjaya is straight, then I'll eat CHERYL BURKE'S mop bucket - SOW

Pugs in funny hats - Cityrag

Sandra Bullock considers herself a good actress - I'm Not Obsessed

Posh can walk to her car without toppling forward, because The Sun says she has had her enormous Ziploc titty bags removed.

This is apparently the third time Posh has tinkered with her chest area. In 1999, she took her natural 34A breasts to 34D. Two years later, she pumped them even more and took her breasts to a 34DD. A source said that Posh was sick of looking like she was produced at the Katie Price factory, so she went under the knife three weeks ago. Posh feels that her new shrunken chichis fit with her new image as classy fashion designer, mother of three and robot praying mantis.

It must be a relief for Becks, because now he can titty fuck her without breaking his boner. And I'm sure her old implants are more than happy at their new home, a bowling alley.

David Letterman made a joke about Sarah Palin's daughter. Sarah Palin got mad. David Letterman apologized. David Letterman apologized again. Sarah Palin accepted his apology. These people did not.

A group of protesters gathered outside of the Ed Sullivan Theater yesterday to demand that CBS deliver Letterman's head to them! I'm glad they did, because they are hilarious! In a totally scary way, but still hilarious. Most of them should be writing for SNL! I mean, where did they come up with shit like "David Letterman will rape you with his mouth"? Or "Do you know what schmuck means in Jewish?" Or "How dare he when he has a bastard son and a slut for a wife!"

If I saw them eating tapioca pudding in a diner, I'd think they were just a group of sweet old ladies who blush even when the word "dang" is used in their presence. Who knew!

Richard & Sal from the Howard Stern show pretending to make out in the background is just the cherry on top. They did it again.

Source: New York Magazine

The last time we saw Tori Spelling in a two-piece, she looked like a slightly slow snake having a hard time digesting a couple of partially-melted golf balls. Bitch must have been slapped with a clue, because she wore a bikini in Hawaii yesterday that was less offensive to the eyes. Tori still looks like she's only been eating dead flies and the ends of wilted lettuce, but at least she's pretty much covering her boiled orange titties.