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DIVORCE! Yeah, I totally thought the big announcement Jon & Kate are going to make on their show this Monday is that they are sending the beast on her head back into the forest to live with its relatives. Naw, they are reportedly going to announce it is OVAH between them. If you didn't see this coming then I'll have what you're having, because you are on some serious shit.

A source (aka COMMON FUCKING SENSE) tells Radar that they were originally going to announce their separation on July 15th, but it's been fast-tracked. Jon will kindly ask for his nuts back next week by filing for The Big D!

Jon & Kate haven't really been around each other the past few weeks. Mostly because whenever Jon comes around, Kate's hair starts growling. And when whenever Jon's no-nut area is around Kate, it starts whimpering. It drives everyone crazy.

Does this mean TLC is going to give them two shows now? To be honest, I wouldn't mind a second show starring Kate and her possum head. They could travel the country in a Winnebago and get into all kinds of trouble. It would be like Milo & Otis.......except cuntier....and with chunkier highlights.

This is a preview for Fox's More to Love which is just like The Bachelor, but with "real" people. And no, it doesn't take place in a Claim Jumper's.

The first part makes the chicks look so pathetic. All the single BBWs I know don't cry about how they desperately want to find love. They cry when Hometown Buffet cuts us off, but not over being alone in life. You're never alone in life as long as pie exists.

Come to think of it, the scrawny skanks of The Bachelor are also this pathetic, right? I guess that's just a universal thing. Black, white, skinny, fat....it doesn't matter. Being on a network reality dating show will automatically make you seem like you're a cat hoarder who spends her Saturday nights re-enacting the wedding scene from Muriel's Wedding with your stuffed animals.

With all that being said, I will still be watching for the drunk fuckery.

You know Lady CaCa is flipping out at her stylist right now, because she has this same outfit in her closet just waiting to be worn. Bruno beat her to it! It's okay, Lady CaCa, your dick is still bigger than the fake one on Bruno's costume.

Bruno continued to douse Europe with his brand of faggotry with a stop in Madrid today. When in Madrid, dress like a versatile bottom bull with a jaw-breaking dick! I think Katie Holmes is off the hook, because Tommy Girl just fell in love.

"Don't Stop Believin'" is one of my favorite songs and obviously I'm very un-original, because it's everyone's favorite song. That song is eeeeeeeeverywhere. It's like the anthem of the damn world! Every bitch covers it! Every bitch also sings it at karaoke. Don't act like you haven't! I think it's the unspoken rule of life that you have to sing it publicly at least once. Ellen Page, Alia Shawkat and Har Mar Superstar of Whip It! decided they needed to follow that rule and uploaded their own version to YouTube.

I'm pretty sure this is supposed to suck in a completely ironic way. You know how those hipsters do it. I got through the whole thing, but it wasn't easy. Every time I hear this song I still think of that scene in Monster where a fugly-fied Charlize Theron and Alien Head Ricci awkwardly slow dance in the skating rink. So picturing that scene while listening to Ellen Page's "cat in heat" yodel totally confused me.

I just wish Ellen & Co. went with another Journey song that needs a little loving. Maybe "Only the Young." What's wrong with that song? Does it have big hips and an overbite? Is that why nobody pays it any attention? But I shouldn't talk.

I've tried to quit "Don't Stop Believin", but it's impossible! I tried to leave it and search for something else that hasn't been around the block a zillion times, but I can't!! I'm whipped.

Why did I have to read about Morgan Freeman allegedly Wood-Allen-ing his step-granddaughter?! If I dip my head in a pot of boiling bleach will it burn away that image along with 99% of the skin on my face? I might be willing to try it.

I hope the National Enquirer was just telling jokes when they wrote about 72-year-old Morgan Freeman's 10-year-long affair with his 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines. Please let them issue a statement that they thought April Fool's Day got moved to mid-June for some reason.

A source tells the Enquirer that E'Dena is the granddaughter of Morgan's first wife Jeanette. Morgan and his second wife Myrna raised E'Dena ever since she was a little girl. The affair reportedly started when E'Dena was a teenager. The source went on to say, "Myrna said E'dena told her that when she was a teenager, she and Morgan went to dinner at a friend's house one evening. Both had been drinking, and when they returned home, Morgan attempted to have sex with her. They stopped just short of having intercourse. E'Dena explained to Myrna that she stopped Morgan from going any further."

Myrna told Morgan to step off E'Dena and he promised he would. Without Myrna knowing, Morgan's relationship with E'Dena continued for years.

The source wants all to know that it's technically not incest since they aren't blood relatives,
"but Morgan is trying desperately to keep his divorce out of open court so all the shameful facts won't become public."

I know most of you stopped at "National Enquirer," but they sound serious about this one. Maybe we should all just pretend this is a work of creepy fan fiction and then slowly back away until we get further evidence? Okay, I won't dip my head in bleach just yet, but in the meantime.....

MustthinkofkittensMustthinkofkittensMustthinkofkittensMustthinkofkittens

The big decision Jon & Kate will make on Monday is that they have finally decided to release the possum on her head back into the wild - SOW

Tila Tequila as you've never seen her before!!(sarcasm)!! - Hollywood Tuna

Courtney Love is still America's answer to Amy Wino (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Eva Mendes is topless and drenched in lube for Calvin Klein - Egotastic!

Brangie continues to heal the world with their millions - Just Jared

Beth Ditto does realize we're talking about Peaches Geldof and not peach cobbler? - Holy Moly!

The old dude is wondering if he should try and hit on KD Lang or not - Towleroad

Lauren Conrad reveals something that is just as shocking as Ricky Martin loving the wang - Popsugar

Carnie Wilson wearing the finest duvet cover Z Gallerie has to offer - Socialite Life

Hillary Clinton is Team Aniston - Hollywood Rag

John Stamos was the greatest john Denise Richards ever had - Celebitchy

Being a tranny herself, Cher should fully support Chaz - Cityrag

Vadge is more insane than I thought, because she's asked Fishy to GOOP-ify her nursery - Lainey Gossip

Wake me when that other one has jumped off of Grey's Anatomy - ICYDK

The mob of horny Twitards almost killed RPattz again - I'm Not Obsessed

Ricky Martin hasn't been shimmying his glitter maker in the spotlight for a while, because he's been too busy raising his matching twin babeh boys. But Ricky took some time out from mopping up baby barf to speak (EXCLUSIVO!) to Spanish-language magazine TV Aqui about stuff.

The magazine didn't come out and ask Ricky if likes sausage in his butt taco, but they did ask if anybody had his heart at the moment. Ricky said that his "his heart could belong to a woman or a man."

Yeah, this is Gayken and Glamberace shocking. I just hope that if Ricky Martin ever decides to officially "come out" on the cover of a magazine, he does it on a Spanish-language one. I can already envision the really hot words they would use on the cover: ESCANDALO! EXCLUSIVO! LA VERGA! I will get that headline tattooed on my ass cheek.

VIA Queerty

All day I've been blabbing about leaky sex parts (what else is new?), so I'll just go stick my ass in a bowl of ice and let these pictures of Lt. Hot Ginge at helicopter training do all the talking. Top Ginge takes my no-no's breath away. I'm stopping!

If you aren't on your way to the emergency room, because your genitals exploded upon first sight of this scrumptious and delectable pepaw, read on. This is Donald and he will be the breakout star of Vh1's new reality show. Mark my words! You know you want to see this creampuff get crunk and slap a dude or barf on a bitch.

Donald is just one of the "millionaires" willing to shower Megan with cash on her new show Megan Wants a Millionaire. Megan is that one bikini-wearing ho with the pancake-face from Rock of Love and I Love Money.

Starting in August, the show will follow 17 millionaires as they try to buy their way into Megan's heart. Each week, Megan will quit a bitch who isn't paying up.

This is going to be some Rick Rockwell shit. Can you say "tax lien from the IRS"?

Vh1 has released pictures of a few of the supposed millionaires, but I've posted the hottest bitches below. None of them can fill a pair of panties faster than Donald, but they will still make you all puckery.

Katie and Peter have only been split up for a few weeks and she already has a new main extra-spicy unicorn at her side. How quickly they forget about the gay who wasn't afraid to tell you that those heels made your ankles look fat or how they cried beside you while watching Steel Magnolias. The fucking audacity.

Katie's new purse holder is model Anthony Lowther. The two have been running around all over Ibiza this week. They have been seen kissing at clubs, but I think Anthony was just trying to fix Katie's lipstick.

These two are so close that they are even sharing each other's clothes! Although, Katie should think twice about that, because Anthony's chesticles look way more delicious and succulent in that blouse than hers ever could!

Here's more of Katie and Anthony spreading the glitter in Ibiza last night and the night before. I would go into convulsions if I ever saw Anthony in those elegant crushed-velvet lucite boots! It would destroy me in the best way.