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Jon Gosselin is back at home after getting a fugover at Ed Hardy's House of Early Midlife-Crises. No, Jon was really apartment hunting in NYC, but he really does look like he's just been baptized in douchewater. Doesn't he realize that he's on TLC and not Vh1?! Sorry, Jon, but the diamond *studz* and totally sick t-shirt (that's what the salesperson called it) still won't make you look like you fit in at a frat party. But enough about that bag of dirty tampons. Let's focus on the ravishing creature next to him. Apparently, she is one of the nannies. I die.

Let's call her Yvette. She pronounces it Eeeeeeee-vette. I'm sure Jon and Kate found Yvette working in the dressing room section of a 5-7-9 and knew they had to have this kind of beauty around them at all times. I bet Yvette smells like Aqua Net, Exclamation and bubble gum lip gloss. And you know she still listens to Expose on CASSETTE! The nanny of my dreams.

I hope Yvette is teaching the kids how to obtain the perfect scrunched curl in your hair. Apply gel, scrunch, apply gel, scrunch, apply gel, scrunch.....etc..

Here's more of Jon and Yvette outside of the Gosselin's home yesterday afternoon. What's going on in the 3rd and 4th thumbnail below? After Jon visited Ed Hardy did he stop in at Abuelita's House of Discipline?

Vadge, Rocco, Lourdes, David and her gang of nannies, assistants and gays arrived in London yesterday to prepare for the arrival of the newest member of the family: Mercy. According to UsWeekly, Mercy popped into London this morning after leaving her native Malawi last night. Vadge sent a private jet, a nanny, a child nurse and one of her assistants to pick up her newest baby friend.

I know you're casting a judgmental gaze upon Vadge for not going to Africa to pick up her own daughter, but don't! First of all, at least Vadge didn't send Mercy by FedEx like I thought she would. Second of all, Mercy probably told Vadge that she'll meet her in London. That way Mercy can easily sneak a few cocktails in on the plane before coming face to face with her new mother. Homegirl knows what she's in for.

P.S. - That precious poodle in the pink shorts is giving me fevah!

Peter Andre didn't care about effin' up his make-up when he burst into tears at the airport in Cyprus yesterday. The Sun says Petey broke down immediately when he was reunited with his mommy who flew in from Australia. A source said, "He was stunned to see his mum at the airport. She's been really worried about him, especially as he's lost so much weight. She wanted to see him for herself and comfort him. It was all too much for Pete and he just broke down."

Peter should really only be crying tears of joy, because look who is with him in Cyprus. It's HARVEY! Whenever Harvey is around, nobody should be sad. A smile from Harvey is like being embraced by a Snuggie made from rainbows. He also has the same effect on people when he tells them to "fuck off."

The one who should be crying is that gay slut Katie Price! While Peter gets to spend time with the greatest child on earth, she's spending time with the worst straight-for-fame hooker ever. Yes, Katie is still slutting around Ibiza with that supposedly straight dude ( insert queef noise here). You know what's making my soul cry? Those jeans tucked into those fugly ass boots! I'd have to keep my eyes up while sucking the peen, because if I looked down, I'd choke on my own laugh.

That Mormon girl from Dancing with the Has-Beens has been cast as Ariel in the remake/murder of Footloose. I guess she also sings country songs or something. The casting isn't a done deal just yet, because they are trying to work out scheduling details with Julianne since she is sooooo busy. Filming starts in March. No word on whether or not Julianne's adorable dog is going to be playing Rusty. I think we should start a petition.

Chace Crawford has already been confirmed as the glittery nymph who will flutter about as Ren McCormick. Kenny Ortega, who directed all three High School Musical movies, will control the puppet strings on this shit.

I don't even need to bother watching this in a movie theater when it comes out. I'll see it eventually. I'll be forced to watch it when I'm finally put on the Chinatown bus to HELL.

Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill - It's the nectar of the gods! If you haven't barfed up this stuff at least once in your life, then you haven't really LIVED! It doesn't take much either, because it gives you the voms after a few glasses. I'm not too sure, but I think Strawberry Hill took my drunk cherry a trillion years ago. That is truly special and beautiful. It brings a tear to my eye..... and is making me kind of thirsty.

You can try other fine flavored wine products out there, but none of them will make you look like the truly elegant lady you are quite like Strawberry Hill.

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