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Looking for a little before bedtime reading that'll make your toe nails perspire? Well, The Smoking Gun dug up reports from Danielle Staub's 1986 arrest which was briefly mentioned in the book Cop Without A Badge. You know, THE BOOK.

The report on TSG is longer than a Xerox machine manual, but it's worth every second. For those of you with a serious case of ADD, here's the gist of the report (it's still long):

When Danielle was living in Miami in 1986, she worked as an escort (*cough*vagina vendor*cough*) and went by the name of Angela Minelli. One of Danielle's johns was Daniel Claudio Aguilar. Daniel was a major coke dealer for the Colombian Cartel. In June of that year, Daniel sold two kilos of the bad shit for $48,000 to some dudes. Danielle's neighbor, Carmen Centolella, brokered the deal. Before the deal became final, Daniel sent Danielle to Carmen's apartment with one kilo of coke for testing. The dudes who were going to buy the shit turned on Danielle, stole the coke and ran off!

Daniel blamed Carmen, beat his ass and then held him for ransom. Danielle was in on the kidnapping and made several calls to Carmen's father demanding $25,000 for his son's life. Carmen's daddy called the FBI. They traced the calls back to Daniel's apartment where they found Danielle. They arrested her ass and confiscated $16,000 cash and six kilos of coke. They also busted Daniel.

In order to save herself, Danielle turned on Daniel and agreed to work with prosecutors. She pleaded guilty to one count of extortion. When Danielle got out of jail, she received several threatening phone calls from a lady who said shit like, "Your life is at an end, honey." Danielle and the authorities both believe the threats were coming from Daniel's people. Danielle's apartment was also broken into several times.

During Daniel's trial, his lawyers pained Danielle as a prostitute coke whore. Daniel was found guilty and sent to prison. He got out in 1994.

When Danielle came off of probation in 1988, a doctor asked the court to keep her in a rehab program due to her drug history and lifestyle.

ESCANDALO! Teresa was right all along! You know after reading this shit, Teresa's Planet of the Apes hairline busted off forehead, crawled up to the nearest mountain top, pounded its chest and shouted "PROSTITUTION WHORE!!!!"

I would flip a table over this shit too, but I'd rather dance on top of one to celebrate Danielle/Beverly/Angela. Bitch knows how to live!

I just hope they turn this into a Cinemax (Lifetime won't do it justice) movie starring Pete Burns as Danielle.

VIA Gawker

File this under: Things I imagine when I mix the good shit, booze and Tylenol PM.

This is a video of Zachary Quinto falling down while walking his dog with a bloody butcher and a giant side of meat. The fuckery doesn't stop there. Zachary throws a hissy fit when his fancy sunglasses fall on the sidewalk. Then the walking meat dude gets caught between the bushes and a pole. Whatthefuck.

This really looks like the beginning of the most bizarre Japanese gay porn movie ever.

Maybe this is a viral marketing ad for Oliver Peoples? Or A1 sauce?

VIA ONTD

Shooting has already started for The Runaways biopic and here's Kristen Stewart in her full Joan Jett drag. If I was on Jerry Springer with her, I'd try to snatch that wig off her head only to find out that it's not really a wig. Jokes on me. Ain't that a bitch when real hair looks like it was made in a factory in Taiwan.

And I'm not really seeing Joan Jett here, are you? Bitch looks more like Samantha Ronson dressed as Leather Tuscadero to an all-gayelle costume party.

BONUS! Since watching bitches fall is Dlisted's favorite pastime, here's Kristen soaring through the sky and busting her knees on the concrete.

It's been pretty quiet on the "Over the Moon" front and I was beginning to think that maybe that horrific phrase slide back into the mouth of Satan where it belongs forever. No, it's alive and it's made a comeback thanks to stupid asses SJP and Matthew Broderick. And you thought moon jumping was only for cows! Damn them.

As some of your asses may know, SJP and Matthew's surrogate gave birth to twinsies last night and now we know their names!

"Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are delighted to announce the healthy arrival of their two daughters. Marion Loretta Elwell Broderick weighed 5 pounds, 11 ounces, and Tabitha Hodge Broderick weighed 6 pounds. Both Hodge and Elwell are family names on Parker's side. The babies are doing beautifully and the entire family is over the moon."

Based on those names, I'm guessing the surrogate gave birth to twin crotchety old memaws who sit on their porch all day yelling at the neighborhood kids for trampling all over their petunias. BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT for real! Those names smell like boiled prunes, corn starch and Polident.

Marion Loretta Elwell and Tabitha Hodge are probably OVER for their parents for giving them a couple of names that only belong on a social security check.

VIA E! News

Jennifer Aniston's spot-on Angelina Jolie impersonation - Hollywood Tuna

OMG! Kristen Bell has a tiny bit of cellulite. HAG! How dare her thighs show themselves in public! - Egotastic!

Let's hope that "a bra" was on Brit Brit's shopping list - Just Jared

Megan Fox disappointed me by covering up at the Transformers premiere - Popsugar

This is what Megan should've worn instead (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Emile Hirsch works the ho stroll for a little attention - Lainey Gossip

It's official! The gayest movie ever just got gayer! Weeeeee! - Towleroad

Martian nipples - Cityrag

KFed should check if the taxman will accept old McDonald's cheeseburger wrappers in lieu of cash? - Hollywood Rag

The ratty tatty angel with the road kill wig will come back into my life on July 30th! - People

Actually, it's how I sit in a chair when certain circumstances (spoiler alert: rowdy ass sex) forces me to do so. Miley, however, is just doing that thing she does when she's trying to be sexy. Or maybe she's pushing out a caca balloon. I don't know, but apparently these pictures caused a bunch of little hos to freak out. Adam Shankman, the director of Miley's movie, posted this shit on his Twitter page and later defended the pictures by writing:

"Miley is a sweet angel who works tirelessly and endlessly, and is allowed to have fun in the make up room! Seriously! Lighten up or no more behind the scenes pics! She's like my angel little sister."

Why is everyone still surprised that Miley's pictures look like they came directly from a Craigslist ad. This is what she does! When homegirl isn't chewing on wood to keep her Chiclets sharp, she's doing this. In unison: She's just being Miley!

If you're the proud owner of a pair of magnificent chichis who can't sleep at night, because one mega titty suffocates the other, this is the product for you! Well, first you should try to put a dildo between your titties, but if you can't stomach the scent of pussy dust, try THE KUSH! For just $55, you and your breasteses will sleep soundly thanks to a piece of plastic the size of Tommy Girl's butt plug. The Kush will titty fuck you to sleep!

And if you're reading this, Aretha Franklin, put down the phone. There's no need to call to ask if The Kush comes in size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL (aka Size Rewood). I will be your KUSH. Yes, I will probably go brain dead due to the loss of oxygen, but I'm heading that way anyway!

VIA Videogum

After Jon & Kate's marriage has already been diced up and fed to wild boars (no relation to Kate's possum head), TLC is now making the decision to press "pause" on the show until August. The L.A. Times reports that the decision didn't come from the family, it came from the network.

Before you go and lick TLC's taint for being the mighty hand of morals and reason, I think they were forced to make the decision due to the fact that they just don't have enough footage for new episodes. A source said that this season, all the episodes were shot at the last minute and not completed until the day it aired. The next new Jon & Kate episode will air on August 3rd.

While watching last night's episode, I wondered how the camera dudes and production hos deal with all the awkwardness. I mean, I made the wrong decision of watching that shit completely SOBER. I haven't felt that uncomfortable since I ran into my 70-something doctor at a sex shop with a double-sided dildo and a leather harness in his hands. It made my pubic hair sweat.

I bet the cameramen and Kate's tortured possum head do lines of crushed down Valium pills together just to deal. It's like Thanksgiving dinner with your newly divorced parents every day.

And is TLC going to change the title when the show comes back in August? I'm thinking, Jon Plus 8 (Friday through Sunday), Kate All The Other Days. Or Jon & Kate Seper8. Or Jon H8s Kate. Yeah, let's go with the last one.

Here's some thrilling pictures of Jon taking out the trash and Kate getting gas yesterday. Tomorrow I will have even more interesting pictures of Kate popping her zits and Jon massaging his bunions.

When Elisabeth Hasselcrack isn't violently fucking us dry in the ear with her shrill voice, she's writing books on gluten free dieting. Or should I say, she's copying and pasting from other people's books on gluten free dieting and publishing it as her own. That's what Susan Hassett claims anyway. Susan is madder than fish grease (Ariel 4 ever) and has filed a lawsuit against Hasselcrack for copyright infringement and being a copy cat. Susan also should have filed a class action lawsuit against Hasselcrack for being an annoying bitch.

Susan says that Elisabeth's book The G Free Diet-A Gluten Free Survival Guide is a direct copy of her book which was published in April of 2008. TMZ says in a letter to Elisabeth, Susan listed a million similarities including chapter titles and tips.

All I needed to read were the words "Elisabeth Hasselcrack" to decide my verdict: GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY! Unfortunately, we're the ones who will really be punished. When this shit gets settled, we will never hear the end of Hasselcrack's whining about it.

With Hasselcrack's constant yapping and Sherri revealing her new "bikini body" in a few weeks, remind me again why I watch The View again?

Licking on tranny dick does a body good - ICYDK

Things that look like peens! I'd hit it X 7 - Urlesque

GOOBY (the story of Robin Williams' taint bush) is going to be the best movie to bong to of '09 - SOW

Megan Fox is not only the most prolific philosopher of the year, but she's also the sexiest woman alive (so says the always predictable FHM) - I'm Not Obsessed

Kate Hudson and A-Roidy are still bumping assholes - Socialite Life

Tranny trifecta - The Bastardly

England's finest rose talks about what makes her such a refined and classy lady - Holy Moly!

A Vh1 reality show starring a Simpson is coming! No, unfortunately, it's not Papa Joe of Love - Celebitchy