Archives

So sorry to Justin Timberlake, Jared Leto and Bradley Cooper, but the role of the Green Lantern has been snatched up Mr. Panty Creamer himself: Ryan Reynolds. Variety says that Ryan will start shooting the movie this January for a June 17, 2011 release.

The Green Lantern is based on the comic about some ordinary human who was the power ring by an alien whose spaceship crashed on Earth. The alien was in town to find a human to take his place as the Green Lantern. Oh and obviously, the Green Lantern dude carries a battery powered lantern.

While my no-no agrees with this casting decision, I think the producers should change just a couple of things if they want this to be a blockbuster hit. So, instead of a stupid lantern, I think they should paint Ryan's peen green and stick a light bulb in its mouth. Yes, a lot of bitches will pay to see Ryan's sexy ass carry a lantern around, but more bitches will pay top dollar to see him wielding his bright green peen. And instead of wearing the power ring on his finger, he should wear it on his cock. Obviously.

P.S. -You know Tommy Girl's hongray Scientolohole just called its agent to request an audition for the role of the alien.

If you happen to be kayaking on the Atlantic Ocean this weekend, you might see Kate Gosselin's rabid possum hair dog paddling next to you looking all cunty-like with foam pouring out of it. That's because Jon is in St. Tropez with his whore and it's going to GIT 'EM!

Jon's whore happens to be Hailey Glassman, the daughter of the plastic surgeon who tucked and pinned Kate's tummy!

Jon is in St. Tropez to discuss a job opportunity with the premiere designer for dick bags: Christian Audigier (the Ed Hardy dude). Jon is seriously speeding down the "Early Mid-Life Crisis" expressway headed directly for DouchebagVille. I mean, diamond studs? CHECK! Shirt that looks like it was made using the vomit of drunk frat boys? CHECK! Hair plugs? CHECK! Girlfriend that looks like a salty, dehydrated version of Mariah Carey? CHECK! The only way Jon could take his douchebaggery to a higher level is if he put out a rap album. POPO NO!

You better work on your OMGSHOCK face for when you hear the news that Jon and Hailey were mysteriously mauled by a beastly creature with chunky highlights.

The Eiffel Tower was extra sparkly last night, because Shauna Sand clicked her exquisite lucite heels three times and was magically transported from Los Angeles to France! The Empress of Lucite was there, because President Sarkozy realized he made a major mistake by marrying Carla Bruni and asked Shauna to be the new First Lady of France. The true First Lady of France. It's what history intended. NO! The Empress of Lucite was in the city of lights, because her estranged husband Romain (the beauty hater) is on the French version of Big Brother called Secret Story.

While in the house, Shauna's ex has been slapping his buttery skin baguette all over Angie, a ho some bitches think is a Shauna look-alike. I'm sorry, but if the angels don't weep when you pucker your lips and mortal men don't kill themselves when you don't glance their way, you cannot be compared to The Empress of Lucite. No way.

Shauna was there with her new boyfriend, Antoine (who may or may not be a 4-year-old weasel with bad mange), to tell Romain that she has moved on. And Shauna tells him this in fluent French!!!! You haven't really heard the French language until it has passed through Shauna's elegant lips. I think every French speaking slut immediately went mute, because they knew they could never make the French language sound as eloquent or beautiful as Shauna does. It's like I'm gently being butt fucked by a croissant. Pure poetry. Somewhere in heaven, Victor Hugo just cut off his tongue.

Below is a translation from my friend Chloe of Shauna's conversation with Romain:

Host: Do you hear me? Romain, Angie, hello again!
Angie and Romain : Hey!
Host: Oh, you're cute! I've got someone special to introduce you to. She wanted to talk to you. She made a long travel. She comes from LA.
Romain: Ooh la la!
Angie: Gosh! She looks like me!
Shauna: Hello.
Romain: Hello.
Shauna: How are you?
Romain: Fine and you?
Shauna: Fine. Are you having fun?
Romain: Yes it's nice, and you?
Shauna: Haha.
Angie: She looks like me (Ed. note: Bitch, slap yourself for that!)
Romain : It's huge
Angie: I thought it was me... modified! (Ed. note: BITCH, stop it now!)
Shauna: Yes I'm having fun!
Romain: It's cool then.
Host: Shauna made the trip from LA to talk to you and to make up with you. She has something to tell you tonight
Shauna: Yes, i wanted to introduce you to Antoine.
Romain: I know him, we already met.
Angie: Hey Shauna, I'm glad to meet you.
Shauna: Me too. Pleased to meet you, Angie.
Angie: You're beautiful.
Shauna : You too.
Romain: I wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend, Angie.
Host: So everything is ok. I'll let you gather around for a nice dinner! Thanks for coming to France. Thank you Shauna. Thank you Antoine!

Unfortunately, Shauna did not destroy Angie by simply flipping her hair. No. Shauna has the heart of a million Care Bears, so she would never do that. She couldn't even a hurt a fly. Even if the fly is the gutter tramp version of her.

Elaine Miles aka Marilyn Whirlwind (the greatest receptionist in Alaska) from Northern Exposure. Sometimes when a dumb bitch is scratching at my last nerve, I take a page from Marilyn's note and simply throw their ass a shank-eye without words passing through my lips.

Below is a montage of Marilyn's greatest moments. Everyone needs a video montage.

Thanks to That's Important

Lil' Kim (34)
David Henrie (20)
Rachael Taylor (25)
Michael Rosenbaum (37)
Justin Chambers (39)
Jeff Corwin (42)
Greg Grunberg (43)
Lisa Rinna (46)
Bonnie Pointer (49)
Suzanne Vega (50)
Richie Sambora (50)
Sela Ward (53)
Giorgio Armani (75)
David Kelly (80)