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When Bradley Cooper told reporters that he was only friends with Jennifer Aniston, she immediately barricaded herself in her cookie dough refrigerator room (you know she has one) and devoured half of her inventory. Jenny apparently thought she was dating Bradley and was DEVASTATED when he denied their love. When Jenny broke into Bradley's home in the middle of the night by crawling into the air vents to confront him about it, he said that he only wanted to be fweeeeeeends. That's when she ate the other half of her inventory.

A source (aka Maddox, again) tells the National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy), “It was a huge embarrassment for Jennifer — now she feels used an upset — her confidence has taken yet another knock and she’s back at square one in terms of dating. Jen was so happy to be dating Bradley. She saw him as a hot new guy who was finally a worthy replacement for John and Brad."

Jenny also thinks that by Bradley denying their "relationship" to the press, he has made her look desperate (which in Branganese translates into "Jennifer Aniston"), “It makes her look desperate — which is the one thing she dreads coming across more than anything else."

Oh, Jennifer! You could never look desperate. Yes, you make your fuck time partner jizz in a turkey baster instead of on your nalgas, but that's not desperate! That's being determined! Yes, you probably sent Bradley's parents an "I Can't Wait To Be Your Daughter-In-Law" card after your first date, but that's not desperate. That's kind-hearted! And yes, you've probably unofficially broken the Guinness World Record for staging the most faux-weddings with your stuffed animals, but that's not desperate. That's just pathetic....but kind of adorable (not really).

Here's NOT DESPERATE (I'm lying) Jen on the set of her movie The Bounty Hunter in New York yesterday.

Well, this is an odd couple. Last night in Malibu, MiserAlba and Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe had a meal together. Well, MiserAbla probably ate while Chupa just nibbled from a Ziploc bag filled with the eyelashes of babies and Nicole Richie's old dried-up fat cells. Chupa's diet explains why her mop looks like a scarecrow's armpit hair......

Seriously, what in the name of singed Barbie hair is that on her head?! I just want to throw a gallon of Gatorade over Chupa's head, because her hair is looking mighty thirsty. A bottle of lotion will instantly dry up just by looking at her hay head. Put a Wesson factory on it!

It's time for the latest episode of Murder She Wrote with special guest star La Toya Jackson! But I have a feeling Angela Lansbury does not want to be a part of this.

La Toya thinks her brother was murdered by his "shadowy entourage" and went off to tell the Daily Mail all about it. Sigh. La Toya should be volunteering her investigative skills (!!!!) to the L.A.P.D. and not talking to the press.

La Toya thinks that the evil doers believed that Michael was worth more money dead than alive, so they got him hooked on the bad shit. La Toya said, "I believe Michael was murdered. I felt that from the start. Not just one person was involved, rather it was a conspiracy of people. He was surrounded by a bad circle. Michael was a very meek, quiet, loving person. People took advantage of that. People fought to be close to him, people who weren’t always on his side. They got him hooked on drugs. He was pure and clean and then drugs came back into his system. I think it shocked his system so much it killed him. He had needle marks on his neck and on his arms and more about those will emerge in the next few weeks. I cannot discuss that any further as I may jeopardize the investigation. I can, however, say that I have not changed my mind about my feeling that Michael was murdered. It will all come out. You will be shocked."

LaToya says that there was no way Michael would have been able to perform 50 concerts in London. Michael was too weak and fragile, but the evil doers in his life were making him do it. Whenever his family would call, they would not tell him. They would do anything they could to keep his family away.

As for Michael's kids, La Toya is ready to knife fight Debbie Rowe (with cameras rolling, of course) to make sure Katherine Jackson gets custody. La Toya went on, "These are not Debbie’s kids. They don’t even know she’s their mother. Like everyone else in his life, she was motivated by money. She has always said she’s not their mother. My understanding is that she will now go after the kids. I know a few things about Debbie, and I will prevent that from happening."

Herm. I wonder what dirt La Toya has on Debbie? Debbie totally tried to tickle La Toya's pussy puff one night, right? La Toya is saving that drop of Clamato for her next tell-all.

According to La Toya, Blanket is not related to Michael at all, "They took eggs from a donor and I believe the sperm came from one of five donors picked from a book. Michael didn’t know who the mother and father were. I don’t know who carried the child and if the surrogate knew whose child she was carrying."

La Toya ended the interview by saying that her family will file civil lawsuits against anybody who supplied her brother with drugs, "I am going to get down to the bottom of this. I am not going to stop until I find out who is responsible. Why did they keep the family away? It’s not about money. I want justice for Michael. I won’t rest until I find out what -- and who -- killed my brother."

Why do I have a sinking feeling (it could be the Mexican dick I had last night) that Vh1 is thisclose to announcing their newest reality show: The La Toya Ladies Detective Agency.

It's still hard for me to fully hate on La Toya, because she has blessed the world with sparkly gems like this:

Logan Campbell: A 23-year-old Taekwondo athlete from New Zealand who has opened a "high-class" whore house in order to raise money to compete in the 2012 Olympics! Unfortunately, Logan is only peddling pussay, but if you make an offer on his peen, he might just take you up on that!

Logan says that his parents practically killed themselves working two jobs in order to get him to the Olympics in Beijing, so he decided to get the money for London 2012 by selling snatch. Logan calls his brothel a "high-class gentleman's club" and thinks it will raise him around $200,000. Logan says his parents gave him the side-eye at first, but after he introduced some of the hos to his mother, she "realized they were just normal people supporting kids and stuff."

The HBIC of Taekwondo New Zealand says this could affect Logan's chances getting into the Olympics, because the deciding bitches not only look at performance. They also look for athletes who will serve as positive examples to our youth.

Um. What's more positive than this? Logan is giving his parents' checking accounts a break and is also helping needy vaginas and dicks. Logan should really get together with Michael Phelps and open the ultimate house of fun: Campbell & Phelps' House of Pot & Pussy!

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