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Guess what, everyone?! Hailey Glassman is only licking on Jon Gosselin's under titty butter, because she wants to be *famous*. Yup, that's what it feels like when I gently tap your nipple with the OBVIOUS stick.

A source close to meth brows told UsWeekly that she has tried to get on The Real World and The Bad Girls Club, but they obviously didn't take her ass. Since she couldn't get on a reality show by auditioning, she figured she'd fuck her way to one. The source went on to yap, "I think after realizing she had a connection to Jon through her father and that Jon and Kate's marriage was rocky, she saw an opportunity to get famous."

You know, part of me was thinking that Hailey was a down low member of Peta who was only using Jon to get close to Kate's rabid possum hair, so she can save it and release it back into the wild.

Here's Jon and Hailey at the airport in Nice, France today wearing garments made by the claws of Satan's minions using the asshole skin of fallen douchebags.

Whitney Houston is in London tonight to prepare for her big fat comeback. Although, in that satin robe, Whitney looks more like she's preparing for a hot oil rubdown and an Epsom salt bath. Other than that, she looks good. Yes, mark today's date in your calendar as the day I gave a compliment while completely sober. Actually, not completely sober. I did just eat a week-old orange and I'm sure that shit fermented a bit.

This is a trailer (SFW) for Hustler's porn parody of HoHan's life. In some circles, this would be consider "making it." The porn-version SamRo is even in this, but the ho playing her isn't even trying! Bitch didn't bleach her hair or flash one of SamRo's signature "I'm holding a queef" smirks. If you're going to play SamRo, commit! Chick needs to hang out with Christian Bale.

And I wonder why Hustler didn't try to get White Oprah to make a cameo? She would've done it for 2 drink tickets to TGI Friday's.

VIA Gawker

Tony Romo sent Jessica Simpson down the gutter of broken hearts right before her birthday and some source tells Radar that it was all because of John Mayer and his homewrecky text messages. Dun! Dun! Dun! Dun!

It's always John and his text messages. I'm telling you, if you ever get a text message from The Mayer don't even look at it! Delete it immediately. If read you it, you will lose your man, your job, your dog will turn on you and your favorite dildo will melt. Destruction!

Jessica learned this the hard way, apparently. The source says that everything between Tony and Jessica was handjobs and rainbows until he looked at her cell phone on Thursday night. “They were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it. Tony found messages from John and went ballistic. Tony dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it," said the source.

Okay, let's be serious for a quick minute. I doubt John text messaged Jessica. Did the texts say shit like: "Snd me pics of ur boobies" or "Wut u wearin"? If so, that wasn't John! That was Papa Joe and his trickery! Damn him!

It's that important time to pick the sixth Hot Slut of the Month (Yeah, time flies when you're binging and bonging) who will compete for Miss Hot Slut of 2009! June is officially "Potty Training Awareness" month, so let that little tidbit help you with your choice. Your choices are:

Danielle Staub - The prostitution whore with glorious eyebrows from The Real Housewives of NJ
Quween on the Scene - "Pos-a-rassi" fighter and friend to all
Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill - An important part of everyone's teen years
Orit Fux - The elegant jewel of Israel
Jane Velez-Mitchell - Gayelle news shouter

Voting is in the sidebar to the right. Vote with your life...as always. The winner will be announced on Thursday!

I am 1% hetero (that's 1% more than I thought). How hetero are you? Note: You need a Twitter account for this shit - Stockholm Pride via Buzzfeed

Troll nipple alert! Blink and you'll miss it - Egotastic!

Maybe Gerarld Butler just had a little gas and Jennifer Aniston is helping him out by pushing out a fart bubble? - Lainey Gossip

Solange's son better be getting paid for this - Popsugar

As long as Russell Brand makes Jonas Bros jokes, I'm okay with this - Just Jared

Jessica Simpson's sex tape (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Where's a fiery meteor when you need one? - Towleroad

The Travelocity Gnome has the clap now - Hollywood Tuna

HoHan turned my jeans from kindergarten into a purse - Hollywood Rag

It's time for another game of "Guess the c-toe?" - Cityrag

Moviefone asked DanRad what he thinks of Dumbledore becoming a gay icon and this is what he said:

"It's wonderful. I grew up around gay people my entire life, basically, that's possibly why I'm quite camp, and some people think I'm gay when I meet them, which I think is awesome. It's always good to keep them guessing [laughs]. I don't go on any blogs or chats or anything, but my friends are demons for them, and apparently someone said 'Daniel Radcliffe is gay. He's got a gay face!' [laughs] I really don't know what a gay face is. But I think it's wonderful that Dumbledore was outed as gay ... Half of me thinks Jo Rowling just did that to see if she could piss off the right wing, but I'm not sure how true that is. I think she had it planned, I think she always knew he was gay."

You know, I'm still mad at DanRad for not properly showcasing his peen when I went to see Equus last year, but quotes like this have me inching closer to forgiveness. And if anyone is guessing about DanRad's possible dick-loving ways, just look at the suit he's wearing in the picture above. WELL! You were thinking it too.

Whenever I watch the local news, I find myself screaming "Why the dick is this on the news?!" at least once. You probably scream the same thing after reading this site. Well, except you don't say "the news" you say the inter---- Anyway, we're getting off track!

So this was on the local news in Greenville, South Carolina and the blonde anchor lady introduced it by saying "This is the story we've been waiting for all day!!!!!" It's not a story, bitch! It's a poor squirrel hopping around with a Yoplait cup stuck on its head! And they laugh! They are laughing at animals in distress and littering! These two anchors won't be laughing when they find themselves spending the rest of eternity with a Yoplait cup on their heads.

On a different note, I feel like that squirrel most days, so he is not alone.

VIA College Humor

Which openly gay TV star likes to show off his stuff at the gym by walking around sans towel - and referring to himself as "porn-worthy?" (Gatecrasher)

John Barrowman (I've heard stories)? I'll also throw in Doogie Hoser (typo and it stays), Robert Gant or Tuc Watkins?

Which media star who impregnated his mistress is said to have another girlfriend infanticipating? (Rush & Molloy via Blind Gossip)

Jesus, let this be Mel Gibson!

What sleaze ball celebutard who is a waste of space and a criminal was at a party in the past week and spotted putting something into the drink of a woman. He claimed ignorance, grabbed her drink, chugged it down and then left the party. (CDAN)

So basically this dumb bitch drugged himself?

This star known for her good looks more than her acting ability has a celebrity boyfriend. They’re on and off for the cameras all the time, but let’s say for today’s sake, that the two are very much together. We wonder what he would say to the fact that she is pursuing a foreign singer with everything she’s got. We suspect it’s not for a relationship, but because the singer isn’t responding how she would like and she’s used to having her way. Not Vanessa Hudgens. (BuzzFoto via Blind Gossip)

Megan Fox, David Austin Green and Rain? Click here for exhibit A.

Nothing will make your genitals quiver faster than a dude hitting it from the back with his jeans around his ankles, a cowboy hat on his head and his grandma's cardigan over his shoulders. Right? But seriously, what was GQ going for here? I think they might have been inspired by (NSFW) Lurid Digs.

Seriously, I don't know whether to jump on that shit or clean up his room. That's the problem with being a clean freak. It sneaks up on you at the worst time. You could be trying to get your fuck on when you suddenly notice a pile of clothes just lying on the floor in the corner. You try to ignore that shit and get yours, but you can't help it. You just want to scream "YES! YES! I'M CUUUMMMMING! Now foldyourfuckingclothes!!!"

That being said, if the dick is top notch, you'll be so blinded that you won't even see the mess.

Anyway, here's more Channing Tatum in GQ. It looks like Mimi's ab artiste has been busy, because homeboy looked like this a couple of months ago.