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La Toya Jackson took a little time out from getting to the bottom of EVERYTHING to release a tribute song for her brother Michael Jackson. La Toya recorded the song before her brother's death and had originally planned to dedicate it to her entire family (cut to Joe Jackson raising one of his brows). You can download "Home" on iTunes starting July 28th.

All proceeds from the sale of the single will go to The Make La Toya Relevant Fund. Jokes. La Toya will donate every single penny to AIDS Project LA, which was a charity Michael supported.

Apparently, La Toya will not take off her deerstalker cap or put down her magnifying glass to promote or market the single.

Maybe it's because I have a soft spot for songs that sound like they should be sung by cartoon princesses trapped in towers, but I actually like this (?). I can also blame the entire box of mini powdered donuts I just swallowed whole. Ask me tomorrow when the sugar drunks wears off.

VIA The Examiner

It looks like somebody woke up on the right side of the bathroom floor....where they passed out the previous night after having a liiiiiiiittle too much of the wrong stuff. HoHan usually growls and bites at the paps, but she had the smiles outside of her house yesterday. Homegirl was up to something! She came armed and wasn't afraid to shoot.

The pappies totally thought she was cooling their asses off when she squirted at them, but she had the big laugh when they realized the "water" was actually recycled snatch syrup. HoHan got 'em good!

Most nights I sit in my living praying that a giant wiener crashes through my window and taps me on the ass, but note to the heavens above, this is not what I mean. Yesterday afternoon in Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin, a chick rammed her giant plastic wiener into someone's front door. Sounds like a regular night at SamRo's house....

The police told The Associated Press that the driver was trying to turn a Wienermobile around in the driveway, but hit the house when she thought she was going in reverse instead of forward. Nobody was home at the time and the driver was not injured. A spokeswhore for Oscar Mayer said insurance will cover that mess.

The Wienermobile was stuck in the house's vagina most of Friday. That's what it gets for not using lube. You learn the hard way.

And it looks like the wiener didn't use a condom, so expect that house to pop out a baby sausage in about nine months.

The callback auditions for American Idol start on August 6th and Paula Abdul might be missing from the judges table! This time, the reason for Paula's absence will not be because she's passed out face-first in the toilet in the ladies room No. Paula might not be there, because the hos in charge of Idol have yet to send her a proposal for a new contract.

Fur Tittays Cowell just signed a new contract for around $100 million, but the producers have forgotten all about the little crazy who can.

Paula's manager told The Los Angeles Times, "Very sadly, it does not appear that she's going to be back on Idol. I find it under these circumstances particularly unusual; I think unnecessarily hurtful. I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do. She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on. She’s hurt. She’s angry. I think at this point we’re going to be considering everything, including some kind of a competition show. She has tremendous ideas for a whole variety of shows."

The word "hurtful" doesn't even begin to describe the atrocities the producers are putting Paula through! I might have to down a few cups of Paula's "weekend brew" (made with Darvocet dust, Diet Mountain Dew, dextromethorphan oil, fermented peaches and a drop of Simon's nipple nectar, ) just to deal with this awful news. If you can't get a hold of Simon's nipple nectar (Gaycrest, you are excused from this conversation), you can use garter snake saliva instead. But I digress.....

Paula is the Krazy Glue that holds the show together! I mean, you can replace Randy with one of the Budweiser Frogs and Kara DioJUSTSTOPALREADY with Jigsaw from Saw, but Paula is irreplaceable!

I use this quote from Paula often, but this time it really rings true: "I scratch my head and I wonder, 'Where is god when you need him?,' because this does not make sense!"

Crystal Pepsi - All the way back in the early 90s, clear was the shit. Seriously, if you could've made your doody clear back then, you would've done it. Pepsi rode that trend when they came out with the caffeine-free Pepsi Clear in 1992. It was a complete failure. It only lasted a year or two, but my stupid ass still fell for it. Pepsi was supposed to taste just like the real crap, but it didn't to me. It tasted like something that would come out of a lab rat's peen hole. I still drank it, because I thought it made me look all Jetson-like and shit.

And the commercial also hooked me for some reason. I'll blame that on the dude in a speedo flying through the clouds like some kind of gay superhero who got his powers by drinking clear piss! RIGHT NOW!

Vin Diesel (42)
Chace Crawford (24)
Ryan Cabrera (27)
Priyanka Chopra (27)
Kristen Bell (29)
Kelly Reilly (32)
Elsa Pataky (33)
Wendy Williams (45)
Elizabeth McGovern (48)
Audrey Landers (53)
Richard Branson (59)
Martha Reeves (68)
James Brolin (69)
Paul Verhoeven (71)
Nelson Mandela (91)