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They tell me this is Shakira, but it looks more like something you get when you rub Brit Brit and Sasha Fierce together. Actually, I think when you rub those two together you get pork grease, condensed labia leche and bronzer.

Shakira took a crash course in "How To Ho It Up To Sell Records" and I'm all for it. If the video is anything like this single cover then I can't wait to see what the glittery gays of YouTube are going to do with it. They better have an ice pack on their nuts right now, because their tuck game will have to be on point.

VIA ONTD

AEG, the promoters for Michael Jackson's show in London, have released this 1-minute rehearsal that was taken just two days before his death. In the video, MJ is doing his thing to the song "They Don't Care About Us" in full costume and with fans. FANS! It's not a Michael Jackson performance unless there's WIND involved. A lot of it.

Also, there's more details on Michael's memorial and funeral. E! says he will be buried at Forest Lawn in the Hollywood Hills. The Jackson family says that there were never plans for a public viewing despite reports.

A public memorial will be held at the Staples Center this Tuesday at 10 in the morning. They still don't know if the memorial will be broadcasted on TV or the internet.

You know people are camping out right now! In fact, they should just close L.A. down completely, because it's going to be chaos upon chaos. My mom said that she's going to be sitting in traffic until September. I don't know how that's different from any other day, but okay....

I fully encourage everyone out there to express your sluttiness through fashion, but making your titties look like a couple of stale cupcakes covered in sugar flowers is not the look. Cheryl Cole of Girls Aloud wore this fuggery to her birthday party last night in London. Unless your name is Johnny Weir, you do not wear fringe, mesh and applique flowers together.

And my memaw would not be pleased with this, because it looked like Cheryl ripped apart her favorite living room lamp shade to make this dress.

LOOKING LIKE A PROUD WHORE: Cheryl Cole is doing it wrong.

This is the future. Except there will be trillions of them. - Buzzfeed

Hayden Pantywhatever in some adorable Osh Kosh B'Gosh shorty shorts - Hollywood Tuna

The Pope has frowned upon some sexy ass Bishop for partaking in a little butt sex action with convicts - Guanabee

Brit Brit and her Cheetolings are on a boat - Popsugar

SPOILER ALERT: The "friend" HoHan is talking about is white, flaky and Colombian - Lainey Gossip

Now this is talent - Towleroad

There better be a shower scene with Wentworth Miller and Christopher Meloni - Just Jared

Denise Richards and her cunt bulge hit the beach - Egotastic!

RiRi learning a skill in case this whole "Alien Princess" thing doesn't work out - Hollywood Rag

The Real World's Coral and her magnificent chichis. Although, she's no Aretha.... (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather)

Jonah Hill wishes he was half the man Chaz Bono is (or will be) - Cityrag

Debbie is binding down her titties down, putting on her gloves is ready to fight a bitch for the custody of Prince Michael and Paris. Or as Debbie probably calls them: "Checking and Savings Account." Let's be really real.

According to NBCLA, Debbie told them in a 90-minute telephone interview that she wants "her children." Debbie said she's willing to do whatever it takes including submitting to a DNA test. Debbie also wants to get a restraining order against Joe Jackson to keep him away from the kids.

In Michael Jackson's will, he named his mama je'e' as his children's legal guardian. Diana Ross was named as a back-up. Michael also clearly stated that he didn't want to leave Debbie Rowe a cent.

Maybe I'm being overly harsh (proof that the world is still spinning), but Debbie already cashed that check a while ago. I would understand if she just wanted to take them to Chuck E. Cheese every now and again to get know them better. Really, I don't know what to think. It's a shitty situation all around. On one hand, Debbie is crazy. On the other hand, Joe Jackson is crazy too. Sending the kids to Florida to be raised by Bubbles is looking like the best option.....

Megan Fox's internal filter is clogged up with jizz (and other man-made particles), so she tends to say exactly what she's thinking all the time! Example time! Megan said this a little while ago about Transformers, "I can't shit on this movie because it did give me a career and open all these doors for me. But I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting."

Um. Thank you, Professor Whory McObvious! We didn't already know that. I mean, if you see the words "MEGAN FOX" on a movie poster, then you know you're not going to witness the second coming of Laurence Olivier. Only Megan Fox could make a CGI robot look like they've trained most of their life at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.

The director of Transformers has slapped Megan right back for her comment. Michael Bay told The Wall Street Journal (via UsWeekly), "Well, that's Megan Fox for you! She says some very ridiculous things because she's 23 years old and she still has a lot of growing to do. You roll your eyes when you see statements like that and think, 'Okay Megan, you can do whatever you want. I got it. Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck. before I put him in Armageddon. Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did Transformers -- and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from Bad Boys. Nobody in the world knew about Megan Fox until I found her and put her in Transformers. I like to think that I've had some luck in building actors' careers with my films."

I think it's safe to say that we can also file the above quote in the "Ridiculous Things" category. Bay, please! Is he actually taking credit for turning Nicolas Cage into a big star?! Does Michael Bay's memory leave out everything that was made before 1996? Two words: VALLEY GIRL. Deborah Foreman should get the "thank you" fruit basket from Nic Cage. Not Michael Bay.

Here's a bunch of amazing highlights from a 1994 documentary called Wildwood, NJ. This shit really makes me wish that I grew up in New Jersey! These classy and refined individuals could have taught me so much about life! I wasted my best years at Barbizon, when I could have been educated by the masters of elegance. I mean, the below quote has just been downloaded to my brain area and I will use it as much as possible:

"Women always have a strike up on men. We've always got our bodies (if you keep it in shape) and we've always got the check to cash."

There's your new pick-up line and you can easily re-work it a million ways. Try, "Hey, can I cash my check at your check cashing place?" Or "I want to bounce my check on your dick."

Shit. I may just take a bus to Wildwood this weekend, because I'm sure these ladies are still hanging out at the boardwalk. You know, because it's different, it's different. Every night, it's different.

And I bet you they look exactly the same! My fashions icons.

Although, that skanky bitch at the 2:20 better watch her bangs. I'll cut them right off if she talks shit about eyebrows again.

VIA Best Week Ever

This is some "Poor Unfortunate Souls" shit and that is the highest of compliments! I mean, Beth Ditto's mesmerizing cholita eyebrows are a work of high art! This is the real reason why the Sharpie was invented! Seriously, they should teach this shit in all schools. Fuck 2 + 2, our nation's children need to know how to achieve stunning brows like this.

Beth is a brave bitch traveling without a couple of Brinks guards, because I know a few hardcore cholas that would cut those things right off! Although, Beth could probably knock them the fuck out just by rolling her dice.

Here's Beth and her holy eyebrows at the launch of her fashion line in London yesterday with some overgrown Oompa Loompa.

Terrence Howard drowned in his own saliva after watching this - Videogum

Doogie Howser should host everything - SOW

Hayden Panettiere is not apologizing for being a dumb fuck - Popeater

Dakota Fanning proving that she can strut for her life on any episode of RuPaul's Drag Race - Socialite Life

Peter Andre surrounded by a bunch of skanky tits. Some things never change. - Holy Moly!

Paula Abdul will follow-up her poignant and important performance in her Rush Rush video with a guest-starring role on some Lifetime show - Scandalist

Wake me when Karen Duffy guest stars on Gossip Girl - I'm Not Obsessed

Pauly Shore is planning to sue Bruno. The reason? He wants everyone to know he still exists - ICYDK

Tameka Foster says she dick slapped Usher's nalgas just a week before he filed for The Big D - Celebitchy

The professional listmakers at Forbes put together their annual "Hollywood's Top-Earning Actresses" issue and predictably these two twats were at the top. Maddox's nemesis made $25 million last year, but it still wasn't enough for the #1 slot. That went to St. Angie who brought in around $27 million. You know St. Angie really made less, but she asked God for a loan so that she could move ahead. But the joke will be on her after she sees God's interest rates.

Forbes says that Angie made a shit load for Wanted and also got a big upfront payment for her upcoming movie Salt. Jenny made most of her cash from Friends residuals and that movie about the doggy with the red Xes on his eyes.

Somewhere in the world, Robin Givens and Juliette Lewis are simultaneously scratching their heads wondering what went wrong, because they both gnawed on Brad Pitt's taint. Together, they probably made $27 in Arby's coupons last year.

Here's the rest of Forbes list. There's really something wrong in the world when Kate Winslet is bringing in less coin than the bitch who was in Forces of Nature.

1: St. Angie - $27 million
2: Jenny Aniston - $25 million
3: Meryl Streep - $24 million
4: Sarah Jessica Pony - $23 million
5: Pizza Face Diaz - $20 million
6: Sandra Bullock - $15 million
7: Reese Witherspoon - $15 million
8: Nicole Kidman - $12 million
8: Drew Barrymore - $12 million
10: Squinty Zellweger - $10 million
11: Cate Blanchett - $8 million
12: Anne Hathaway - $7 million
12: Halle Berry - $7 million
14: ScarJo - $5.5 million
15: Kate Winslet - $2 million

VIA The Hollywood Reporter