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Eddie Cibrian's wife, Brandi Glanville, has quit his ass and ran off into the loving arms of UsWeekly to shed a million tears! UsWeekly totally grabbed her titty while she was spilling her pain. You know it. Brandi cried to them, "Eddie and I have decided to take some time apart. I want to do what is best for our children (Ed note: And for her famewhoring gene). Eddie and LeAnn Rimes deserve each other."

In case you fell asleep during my last post about LeAnn Rimes (which is understandable since she's as interesting as dehydrated jicama), let me remind you what's up. So, LeAnn made some basic cable movie with official panty creamer Eddie Cibrian. It was rumored that the two were sexing on each other during filming. They both denied it. A couple of months later, Brandi got on the stage, took the mic and claimed LeAnn was "obsessed" with her husband. A month after that, LeAnn and Eddie were caught hanging out together in public. And here we are now...

Sources say that Eddie and LeAnn have been creeping around for a while now. For the past month, they've been using one of LeAnn's friend's houses to do fuck stuff in.

If I was Brandi, I wouldn't be blabbing to the media. Instead, I'd get me in car, go to the nearest glory hole, kick the dick out of LeAnn's husband's mouth and promise him a vintage Bob Mackie Cher doll to join forces. Don't get mad, GET THAT MONEY! If they need a prominent and well-respected attorney, Iris Finsilver is available.

Mickey Rourke's unconditional love for his true soulmate Loki lives on forever....on his feet. Last night in London, Mickey left a club wearing pimp slippers with Loki's embroidered on them. You know Mickey is also wearing a thong with Loki's precious mug on the crotch. When Mickey's thrusts his dick mound, it looks like Loki is barking.

And I actually went 3 full sentences without mentioning Mickey's spoiled chile relleno face. Oops. I lose.

Jon Gosselin's 22-year-old girlfriend Hailey Glassman talked to People Magazine about her relationship with Kate's former punching ballsack. Yeah, I'm a little disappointed that Hailey didn't choose to break her silence on an episode of Jerry Springer. It would've been more fitting. And Kate's possum hair could have made a surprise appearance and mauled off Hailey's lopsided meth brows. Sigh.

Anypeopleprobablypaidherinrocks, Hailey said she started getting feelings for Jon after he split up with Kate in May and spent some time at her parents' house in NYC, "If you had told me a few months ago, I wouldn't have believed you." Obviously, Hailey's parents are fine with Jon rubbing his fopa all over their daughter's body, "They think of him as part of the family. They think things happen for a reason. The most important thing is if someone fits in with my family ... This is perfect. It just fits."

When asked about what kind of things they do together, Hailey left out "eating pot brownies out of each other's sex holes" but did say they like to "watch movies, play pool and ping pong. We laugh a lot because I beat him at everything. He's a great cook. He cooks roasted veggies with special seasoning and sauces, and he grills pineapple with a butter concoction."

BUTTER CONCOCTION?! Does Hailey realize People is a family publication?! We don't need to know that she likes it when Jon spreads his dick butter concoction all over her grilled pineapple. Even Sandra Lee is frowning at that.

Lastly, Hailey actually WENT THERE with Kate. People asked Hailey about what Jon likes about her and she said, "I'm a huge believer in not controlling someone. I'll give my opinion but tell him to do what he wants to do. He said, 'I'm just not used to having an option.' I told him life is about options."

THIS BITCH! I want to like Hailey, because she's a mega stoner who would totally suck a dick for a $1 cashiers check, but she didn't need to bring Kate into this. Too soon. Set your timer for six months and try again.

Hailey shouldn't be surprised when she walks down the street and every possum in the neighborhood is hissing and clawing at her ass.

Maddox rolled into LAX today to probably catch a flight to Sweden just so he can buy his favorite sneakers. Or maybe he's flying to NYC to cut a hip-hop album. Or maybe he's going to Mexico City to single-handedly find a cure for the swine flu (better late than never). I don't know, but there is a method to his madness.

Oh and that scrawny lady who is always tagging behind him also came along. Why is she dressed like the homely administrative assistant in your office going to the company Christmas party? You know, the bitch who thinks a black shirt and pants is considered "dressing up." Bitch looks like a community theater usher.

Why couldn't this have happened to Kim Zolciak?! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Evan Rachel Wood is completely and utterly nekkid - Egotastic!

Vh1 Divas concert is lacking....divas. Were Gayken and Glamberace not available?! - Just Jared

RPattz is drowning and smothering the unicornies - Towleroad

Sienna Miller wraps her bull dozer vagina in acid wash jeans - Hollywood Tuna

Eva Mendes in the middle of Tommy Girl's fantasy - Popsugar

With the way JLo's career is going, it won't be long before she becomes a Dolphin cheerleader - Lainey Gossip

Polka dot Posh - Hollywood Rag

Half-nekkid wrestling is in this week - Cityrag

On Monday morning, the sidewalk outside of SamRo's house was covered with tan grease-stained leggings, because those two had another fight which ended in HoHan's shit getting chucked out of a window. The sidewalk was also covered with alley cats carrying forks, because when SamRo threw HoHan's panties out, they thought the buffet was open for business.

The fight all started after SamRo came home from a night out with Drea De Matteo (who kind of looks like something that came out of White Oprah's snatch). The Daily Mail says that HoHan showed up at SamRo's front door, demanded to be let in and the two had another lezzie brawl of words. HoHan called her partner in pussy a "liar," which was SamRo's cue to throw all her crap out the window. HoHan had to run out and collect all her clothes before taking off.

Throwing clothes onto the street? Really, Samro? I thought her ass was smarter than that. That's not how you hurt or punish HoHan! SamRo should've just sat HoHan down and made her watch all of Labor Pains without commercials. Now that's real torture.

Meet Kana, a Japanese girl who won a Harry Potter contest and got to travel to England to interview with the cast....including DanRad. After watching this, I still don't know how at least one of the following things didn't happen: a) Kana spontaneously combusts b) Kana devours DanRad whole c) Kana's heart jumps out of her body and shoves itself down DanRad's throat d) Kana rips off DanRad's skin when she touches his cheek.

But seriously, this girl and DanRad are adorable together. Mostly because they are the same size.

And here's a clip of Kana almost breaking into a uncontrollable seizure after touching Rupert Grint's eyelashes. I'd react the same way, because I bet his eyelashes feel just like Prince Hot Ginge's butt cheek fuzz.

VIA WOW Report

Leonardo DiCaprio and Jude Law are both wiping zit semen off of their nutsacks, because The Sun claims they are both playing around with Cameron Diaz.

Apparently, Cameron started her tour of wonky hairlines last week when she bumped it with Leonardo DiCaprio in London. A source type says that Leo is ready to pass his peen around after recently splitting with Bar Rafaeli. The source went on to say, "Cameron has been showing a lot of interest while he is in London filming. She was back at his rented apartment in Knightsbridge, west London, a couple of times last week after a series of secret dates. They were joking with friends that they played chess together."

As for Jude, Cammy was seen leaving a club with him in London on Sunday night. The same source who is yapping about the Leo shit said that Jude is trying hard to get a chance to pop Cameron's pimples with his wang, "Jude and Cameron have been good friends since they filmed The Holiday together a few years ago. Now they are both single, things are a bit different between them. Jude has been flirting with her and she has been playing along."

You know, I can't help but think at how hot a threesome starring these three would've been like 10 years ago. But now, thinking of Pizza Face Diaz rubbing it on these two just makes me hongray for a salami sandwich on sourdough with extra Thousand Island dressing.

Let's press the green button on the "Totally Random Couple" generator and see who comes out! Well, what do you know? We have Bai Ling and Lionel Richie! Pop Tarts says that 42-year-old (in alien years) Bai and 60-year-old Lionel had themselves a romantic date at the Viceroy in Santa Monica last Thursday.

A witness-type said that Bai and Lionel "laughed and flirted" with each other the entire night. Yeah, Lionel probably did most of the laughing when Bai told him that she almost cracked her neck bone trying to literally "dance on the ceiling" after listening to his song. You know she tried.

I know you're thinking, "What in the tootsie roll nipple Hell could these two possibly have in common?" But you don't need to have anything in common when it comes to love. I mean, Bai could fall in love with a plastic spork if she spiritually connected with it. And Lionel probably took one peep at her blog and knew he needed more of this in his life. Here's just a taste of Bai's brilliance:

I love the hot sunlight touches my skin.......feels sexy and delightful, like the butterflies wings landed danced then fly away with their gentle kiss, the touch...... Beautiful light wind and of cause the hot burning sad once again burning my body and my desire.......

Speechless but happiness in my heart..........

We all want to take her out for a date now....

If I should happen to drop dead in the next few seconds, I want the last words I have every typed to be: HEATHER MILLS IS A FUCKING CUNT. ... .......... I'm still alive. Although, I may not be so lucky the next time, because Heather Mills says that anybody who writes shit about her will become worm meat.

In an interview with The Observer (via Digital Spy), Heather queefed, "The truth always outs in the end - no-one gets away with those things. Certain journalists have written horrible things, and then they've got cancer, or they've had a tumour, or they've died. And it's terrible for them, but they've done really evil things. I truly believe things come back round."

I've been in Heather's cunty corner until she brought up the whole "karma" thing. Does Heather really want to hop there? If she really believes in that shit, why hasn't she been hit by a runaway bus in the middle of Abbey Road? Or lost a leg.... Oh, wait.