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If you happen to see a cloud of locusts flying through Southampton, it's because Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin were both seen there together....on a double date. Let's all join hands, because this is the end of days.

Guest of a Guest got the disturbing news from a friend who said, “Just saw skeeze-fest ‘09 John Gosselin and Michael Lohan walking through Southampton with blonde bimbos in tow." Michael, Jon and their skanks did some shopping and had lunch. No word yet on how many innocent victims barfed themselves to death at the sight of these two greasy anal beads.

This is some Night at the Roxbury shit! Seriously, I think we need to press the button and evacuate before it gets worse. There's a good chance that both KFed and Papa Joe will join this douche-tourage. Shit. That's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse right there. EVACUATE!

Here's a video of Kim Zolciak of The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta giving us a tour of her humble crypt. It's your typical circle jerk until Kim gets to a beautiful statute of a white angel (at the 1:52 mark). Kim says that the artist gave it to her for a discount and said it resembled her. Even her wig farted when she said that.

Kim, put down that wine and sip on some truth juice. We all know you got that shit at The Dollar Tree about 30-minutes before the camera arrived. I bet there's a slot in the back of that "statute" where you drop coins in.

Brad Pitt, half of the worldwide religion known as Brangelina, was asked by Bild if he believes in God. Brad said:

“No, no, no! I’m probably 20 per cent atheist and 80 per cent agnostic. I don’t think anyone really knows. You’ll either find out or not when you get there, until then there’s no point thinking about it."

That's ice cold, because you know God is St. Angie's close friend and confidante.

You can read the rest of the interview at Bild. The interviewer also asked Brad if he ever finds time to "make love" with St. Angie. Ha and ha. Brad said yes.

And I'm not sure if Bruno was the interviewer or not. It's a possibility.

Image VIA Worth100

This past weekend, Jon Gosselin was seen leaving a restaurant in NYC with a Star Magazine reporter, so it's no surprise that this week's cover story is all about how Hailey Glassyeyes and Kate are fighting because of him.

According to a source (*cough*Jon's newly grown nutsack*cough*), Kate thinks Hailey belongs in a dumpster. Now, I'm pretty sure that's where Hailey spends her afternoons, but Kate thinks she should stay there forever. The source went on to say, “Kate has no respect for her. And that’s putting it mildly.”

The feelings are mutual. Hailey can't wait to confront Kate about how she treated Jon in the past, "Kate had been putting Jon down for years. She treated him like a child and tore away at his self-esteem — and it always made Hailey feel so bad for him. The truth is, Jon was looking for a kind word from someone, a little positive attention — and Hailey was glad to give it to him. She feels that no one deserves what Jon had to put up with, being married to Kate. In fact, she can’t wait to confront Kate and tell her, ‘Jon never loved you!’ That’s how much animosity there is.”

Oh, Jon, I didn't recognize you in that St. Sebastian costume! Seriously, if these two twats are really going to fight over a puss-filled ass boil in an Ed Hardy t-shirt, then they both need to spend more quality time with my good friends Mr. Bong and Ms. Valium. And that's saying a lot.

P.S. - Kate's best friend forever (aka the possum on her head) is offended by the use of the term "CATFIGHT." Rude and racist.

.....you know some straight up undiluted fuckery is going to come pouring out (along with a little back-up nut soup). In an interview with the Daily Mirror, Rupert Everett doesn't hold his mouth hole back about everything from Fishsticks Paltrow to Obama to Michael Jackson. Let's see what Mr. Constipated Face had to say about the latter first....

"He was a freak. He looked like a character from Shrek. He was a black to white minstrel. He was crucified by that court case when he was accused of child molestation - that killed him. He personified the pain and anxiety of a black man in a slave country. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art. I think it was fortuitous that he died. He was supposed to be doing 50 concerts in London. It wouldn't have mattered how good or bad he was. He wouldn't have managed to do all of them and the press would have destroyed him."

What I think Rupert is trying to say is that the world threw so many caca nuggets at Michael Jackson that it's better for him that he's moonwalking through the clouds above free of all the shit. Si? Rupert just has a way of sounding like his words are coming out of a colonic tube. I can relate. Now, let's see what he has to say about Obama....

"We're living in very strange times. We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half-white man gone black. It's absolutely fascinating to watch."

And he lost me there! Let's see if he can get me back with his comparison of Fishsticks and Katie Price....

"If I had the choice of being on a desert island with Jordan or Gwyneth Paltrow, I would choose Jordan. With Jordan you get the truth. She's treated like a quasi-hooker, whereas Gwyneth is seen as the patron saint of good living. Which one has more integrity? I would much rather have Jordan any day."

Aaaaaaaand he's got me back. Now that is a statement I can sign off on with confidence. Harvey will be my co-signer.

Sienna Miller seems really happy that she sprung a leak - Just Jared

Lake Bell let Scott Caan take the most unflattering picture of her titty area - Egotastic!

Speaking of unflattering titty areas... - Hollywood Tuna

Ashley Olsen or bridge urchin? That's a trick question - Popsugar

NYC's very own Naked Cowboy is running for mayor - Towleroad

Brigitte Nielsen and her pocket husband are looking hot (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Jennifer Aniston as Jennifer Aniston is missing from this list - Cityrag

Robert Downey Jr. is a fine escort - Lainey Gossip

LeAnn Rimes without her husband, whore or bra - Hollywood Rag

Down the Rabbit Hole could also be a working title (later changed to Down the Gerbil Hole) for Richard Gere's biography. But this isn't about Richard Gere, this is about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Here is the teaser trailer and it looks like it should've been called Johnny Depp in Carrot Top Land (with a stop off in Elijiah Wood-ville). I mean, it looks like the Mad Hatter is the true star of this CGI bukkake party. Alice who?

And even though Johnny has HoHan's puss whiskers over his eyes, I'd still hit it. Honestly, how does have that kind of power over genitals?!

This is how all orders of business (political and otherwise) should be conducted!

In South Korea, the National Assembly broke out into a first grade playground fight while voting on some media bill. One hot bitch took to the podium and was trying to stop the proceedings by killing ear drums with her screeches, but a mob of hotter bitches circled her ass! They were not the ones to eff with! How do you say "WHOOP THAT TRICK" in Korean?

As much as I love seeing these hos in day suits tugging at each other, the politicians in Taiwan still do it better:

Video VIA Buzzfeed

Which allegedly bisexual hotel heir is getting it on with an N.Y.-based male reality TV star? (Gatecrasher)

Barron Hilton and PC from NYC Prep? May I present Exhibit A......

The attorneys have finally hammered out an agreement! We’re finally getting close to the announcement of a split of this couple. Have you noticed how few photos there have been of them together lately? Half this couple is on a project that requires travel. The other half joins them fairly frequently, but it’s really just for the sake of the child/ren. They both have outside relationships. He has a new - albeit temporary - boy toy that his boyfriend is not too happy about. She has an extra man in her life but is afraid to be seen with him before the announcement. No need to feel bad for her, though. She is will be doing a happy dance soon enough. Dance, girl, dance! (Blind Gossip)

If this is blind to you, then you must be sipping on a seriously potent barley-tini.

This married B list actress from a hit network drama who dabbles in movies is cheating on her unsuspecting husband with a producer from her most recent movie. That relationship isn't that serious, but it is still cheating. You would think her husband would catch on since the only time she generally wears her wedding ring is when she is physically with her husband. (CDAN)

Just clear your throat, hock a loogie in the sink and there's my guess!

There’s a tough guy actor in Hollywood whose name is well known. He has a sequence of moves that he makes on a woman. If he is interested in you, he’ll first send you a text or email or leave a phone message to the effect of “I can’t bear another day without you”. Once he gets your address, he will then send you a stuffed teddy bear and some flowers. If you subsequently become intimate, he will insist that you call him some sort of bear nickname in bed. And to top it all off, if he really likes you, he will tell you that he would be happy to grow out his chest hair for you. (Blind Gossip)

Teddy Ruxpin? Baloo? Burt Reynolds?

The Summer of Death has claimed another legend! The hugely talented and naturally gorgeous Gidget passed away on Tuesday night from a stroke at the age of 15 (73 in dog years). Gidget's trainer confirmed the sad news to People, "She made so many people happy."

Gidget is best known to the world as the one and only Taco Bell chihuahua. A chihuahua named Dinky was the original, but he was quickly replaced by Gidget. Gidget was in several commercials, print ads for Taco Bell and even went on to STAR in Legally Blonde 2 as Bruiser's mom! How she was not nominated for an Oscar for that performance still boggles my mind.

Rest in peace, Gidget! My chihuahua and I will pour out a Pintos 'N Cheese (that doesn't sound right) today in Gidget's honor!