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Skeletor took the night off from hunting virgins for their blood to take JLo to her big 40th birthday party in NYC. It might have been JLo's night, but Skeletor is the one who really got lucky. Bitch got to touch one of her tetas! You know this is the farthest he's gotten with JLo since he stuck his brittle wang bone in her real quick to make the Dragon Tales twins.

Normally, JLo would fart on him for pulling this kind of move in public, but she didn't know what was going on. First of all, because of the 10 tons of make-up on her eyes, she couldn't see too good. Second of all, she really didn't have much feeling in her chichis, because her tight ass girdle cut off all circulation to them.

Happy Belated Birthday to JLo! And Happy Titty Touching Day to Skeletor!

OctoCrazy's reality show dreams (and our nightmares) have finally come true! Octo's show was announced a while ago, but she has officially signed contracts for every one of her ten zillion BABEHS. Octo filed documents in court yesterday asking a judge to approve the contracts.

UsWeekly says that Octo and the production company came to an agreement which states that each kid will make around $250 for each day of filming. All 14 kids will make $125,000 for 36 days of shooting in the first year. They will make $75,000 for 21 days of filming in the second year and $50,000 for 14 days in the third year. This will give them a grand total of $250,000 for 71 days of work.

Those babies are getting theirs. Or should I say they are getting theirs, and then Octo will snatch the checks out of their chubby little hands so she can make a down payment on a new uterus. She'll install her new uterus into her lips. SHIT! Octo would never stop if she could carry babies in her lips. 2 stones....

And OctoCrazy's pimp game is for real! Snoop Dogg needs to curtsy before her! I don't think it's too soon to give Octo a pimp cup, a full-length chinchilla coat, a fedora with a feather in it and a cane. Bow down! Octo just may be PIMP OF THE YEAR.

When Jon Gosselin finishes up the 8 episodes he has left on his contract with TLC, he may roll away to shoot his own reality show. You know, because the solo reality show he stars in daily on every blog (GUILTY), website and message board is just not enough.

A source close to Jon told E!, "Jon has a lot of things going on now with his career*. Of course his main concern is his children, but he is focusing on his private and his professional life. He is looking into some major international endorsement deals and it looks like he is going to have his own show."

Hmmm.....let's see. MATH TIME! Douchebag who attracts slutty methfaces + a toilet full of Ed Hardy + the drunk glow + male pattern baldness = Bret Michaels' successor! Vh1, roll out the welcome mat, pop the Hpnotiq and break DJ Lady Tribe out of the methadone clinic!

* - HA

This young lady's mug shot from TSG is truly hurtful. I can only imagine what she was about to do before she got busted. Homegirl was probably sitting on her bathroom sink in front of the mirror, just about to connect the dots with a fine-tip Sharpie when the police came in and broke her buzz. The poor thing was probably thisclose to becoming an elegant flower. She could feel the transformation happening and then BAM!

You can tell by the look on her face that she's crumbling inside, because she has braille brows. And that is not the look she was going for! I bet you that she even asked the cops for a marker instead of a phone call and they denied her ass. Cruel and unusual.

She should really consider suing the city for police brutality!

Jello 1-2-3 - The greatest food invention after Totino's Pizza Rolls! So, Jello 1-2-3 was this magical orgy of textures that came out in the 80s (duh). It was like unicorn semen (sorry).

You would mix some powder crap with water in the blender and then let it take shape in the fridge. I ate that shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Unfortunately, not everyone worshiped it the way I did, because Jello quit its ass and stopped making it. There's a few recipes on the internet for Jello 1-2-3, but none of them recapture the deliciousness of the original. I've tried. I think all the chemicals and preservatives made it amazing. Maybe that's why they got rid of it. It was slowly gnawing people's brain cells. Make sense (example: ME).

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