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Last night in NYC, JLo had herself another 40th birthday party. Only this was supposedly a "surprise" party Skeletor put together. Nalgas, please! Where the hell did JLo think she was going when she put on that Cleopatra dress she snatched from a drag queen and that braided hair bowl that belongs in a Cinnabon counter? You know she planned that whole thing from top to bottom. I mean, only JLo's mess ass would come up with the name "An Evening For Lola." That is a wreck. And if JLo thinks we're going to start calling her ass "Lola," then she needs more people. Preferably people with prescription pads and straitjackets.

JLo tried to act all shocked when the car pulled up in front of the theater, but come on.... Bitch couldn't even pull of a natural "surprised" look when an anaconda was trying to bite her ass! She should've studied the look on her twins faces whenever she makes a monthly visit to their nursery. Now that's a real surprised look. I need to stop. It's JLo's birthday. So Happy Birthday, Jlo...A-FUCKING-GAIN (this is going to be a daily thing, right?)

Here's some more pictures from last night of the every day birthday girl, Skeletor and her guests including Leah Remini (ugh), Lizaaaaaa and Ricky Martin.

Birthday: July 3, 1966
Age: 43
Birth Name: Sandra Lee Christiansen

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 15, 2009
Claim to Fame: Your guess is as good as mine. No, Sandra Lee got famous by going to the grocery store, buying a bunch of stuff that is already made and then presenting it in front of Food Network cameras. She doesn't do anything! She might be a genius.

Where is she now? Probably still passed out face first in one of her tablescapes after having too many "semi-homemade" glasses of Hpnotiq and blueberries.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because she might be a drunky (and a crazy). And she's the last person on planet earth who should have their own cooking show. This makes her really hot. Below is just a sample of Sandra's amazing skills:

You too can get away with serving your family something that looks like it came out of an asshole if you just introduce it by saying, "LOOK AT THAT!!"

*Note: No, my ass didn't do HSOTW last week, so I'm playing catch up. You can punish me later. Just make sure I can at least sit on my side the next day.

Birthday: February 26, 1961
Age: 48
Birth Name: Miko Castaneda Brando

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 9, 2009
Claim to Fame: Miko Brando was to be a star thanks to Marlon's sperm and Movita's egg. Yeah, I didn't know until recently that Miko's mother was Ana on Knots Landing! Miko is best known for being Michael Jackson's bodyguard/friend. Dude was even in the Thriller video for a quick millisecond.

Where is he now? Hopefully, trying to break Bubbles free so that they can form a new pop duo sensation (with no help from Joe Jackson, thank you). For serious, Miko is probably helping Larry King cross the street right now. They are seem to be bestest friends.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because he wears Hawaiian shirts like a second skin and I can appreciate that. Also, his mother played fucking Ana on Knots Landing! Duh.

While you were buying economy-sized condoms, suppositories and a jumbo bottle of Chardonnay at Wal-Mart in Cooper City, FL yesterday, you might have run into Brooke Hogan in the tube sock section signing copies of her van door portrait called Redemption. After the autograph signing, I hope you stuck around to watch Brooke demonstrate how to achieve a perfect tuck using a BVD jockstrap, frozen Otter Pops and Equate brand panty liners.

Last night, Brooke put her tuck game to the test by performing her famous drag show at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel with her mini-boyfriend Stack$ (pronounced: a-hole).

Thanks to all Brooke's hard work and dedication this weekend I'm sure her album will go double aluminum foil. At least!

The picture above is Satan's screensaver for the week. FYI. So...

Jon Gosselin is still taking up space in Southampton with fellow douchemeister Michael Lohan. The two took their growing douchemance to some polo game in Bridgehampton yesterday. Jon spoke to both People and UsWeekly and even though he denied dating The Other Kate, he still gave different stories about his love life (puke, wipe, puke, wipe, etc....).

This is what Jon told UsWeekly: "My heart is always with Hailey."

This is what Jon told People: "At this point ... I'm single – per se. I'm just a regular guy who just wants to have friendship and good times. And I like meeting people. She's (Hailey) always a good friend of mine. Her family is so good. They took me in and I lived there for a while. I love them to death. She doesn't like this [craziness]. She loves me for who I am and not for what I do. We are going to chill out for a while and see where it takes us. I'm not looking for anyone."

Hmmm....so this sort of sounds like all you single ladies out there might have a chance at licking on Jon's Bluetooth headset. If you want to be in the running, you better slip on your finest Ed Hardy t-shirt (a dirty diaper dipped in vomit will also work). It will also help your chances if you wax your eyebrows with a piece of duct tape so it looks like they just escaped a meth lab explosion.

Maybe Jon should let Hailey know what's going on. After she saw those pictures of Jon with The Other Kate, she fell into a planter again! Hailey needs to stop burying her emotions in plants. It's not healthy or very green-like.

Somebody please water her!

A little while ago, Tori Spelling invited her mother to her daughter's 1st birthday party. Candy never met her granddaughter, so Tori thought this might be a good time. Candy turned that shit down, because cameras from Tori's reality show were going to be at that party. Candy already queefed about it to the media a zillion times, but she's not done. Oh no. Porky Pig's long-lost twin sissy slithered into her letting writing room and punched out an open rant which she *exclusively* gave to TMZ. Yeah, so the next time your mother tells you off under her breath in front of everyone at Thanksgiving dinner, just be thankful that your mother is not Candy Spelling.

This is the ball of farts the over-aged lunatic wrote. Sprinkle a little Pepto dust in your eyes, CLUE LIGHTS and read on:

EXCLUSIVE TO: TMZ.COM
TO: MIDDLE-AGED REALITY SHOW STARS (LIKE MY DAUGHTER)
FROM: CANDY SPELLING

I Know many middle-aged people have issues about their parents and their upbringing. I did. My memories didn't match all those of my mother, and, funny thing, it's the same way with my daughter.

Life has consequences. What you say is on the record. Other people have feelings.

I have a vested interest in this subject. My daughter, Tori's, two-part season finale revolves around my granddaughter's first birthday party and how she has made what seems like an agonizing decision to invite me.

Cue music. Cue sideways glaces. Clue Lights.

I did get an invitation just in time for the RSVP deadline. I'm sure its delivery will be on next week's episode with some comment about my house or driveway or street or something they won't like. I wonder if that will be spread out over one part or two. Sigh.

A big party wasn't how I envisioned meeting my granddaughter for the first time; but, hey, this is Hollywood, and my grandchildren have become reality show props, too. At the time I emailed "yes," I didn't realize I was being set up for a two-parter, even though it was clear I was being invited to be part of a segment for my daughter's reality show.

Spoiler alert. Don't read this if you plan to sit through an hour of people looking at their watches and saying "she's late." I decided my first meeting with my granddaughter should be on home video, not primetime cable; so I emailed that i would not be attending.

She goes on to blab more, but this is the gist of it.

When even TMZ stops publishing Candy's ridiculousness, she's going to have to shout her rants on Hollywood Blvd. like an authentic crazy person does. I can't wait for that day to arrive.

And this almost made me feel a little bad for Tori, but then I remembered how her soul-bruising acting skills pretty much ruined The House of Yes for me......

Alexis Cohen aka Glitter Girl was hit by a car and killed early Saturday morning in Seaside Heights, NJ. She was only 25. The police say they are treating her death as a homicide and currently looking for the hit-and-run driver.

Alexis first auditioned for American Idol during season 7. The judges didn't give her a golden ticket which caused her to launch into a rant where she told Simon Cowell to fuck off and said she was going to pursue actressing (!!!!).

Alexis cleaned up her look and auditioned again the next season, but she was also rejected. And she once again, delivered a giant F U to Simon.

I'd like to think that Alexis is sitting up in heaven, still flipping Simon off.

Maru - The most famous Japanese cat in the entire universe!

It took my ass long enough, but I'm finally giving Maru the credit he so thoroughly deserves! Maru is most famous for his box catrobatics and for getting stuck in things, but he does so much more than that! He's a model (above), a soul saver, a metaphor painter and MORE! If you haven't checked out his site or YouTube page yet, please grab a bong and do so. Below is one of my favorites:

Mick Jagger (66)
Taylor Momsen (16)
Tamyra Gray (30)
Kate Beckinsale (36)
Jeremy Piven (44)
Sandra Bullock (45)
Kevin Spacey (50)
Dorothy Hamill (53)
Helen Mirren (64)
Darlene Love (68)
Joe Jackson (80)
Blake Edwards (87)