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Got an ass so stanky that it makes flies commit mass suicide (don't look at me)? Got a pair of feet so rank that all your socks disappear from your drawer in the middle of the night? Got a coochie so rancid that the Department of Sanitation declared it a toxic waste zone (Paris, this one goes out to you)?

If you answered yes to one of those questions and are allergic to water and soap, this product is for you! It's called the Aspray and it's like Fabreeze for your bits! Apparently, this is a real-life product created by someone named Doc Bottoms (which is also one of Tommy Girl's pet names).

I'll skip this shit and just stick to shoving a Little Tree up my ass when my stuff gets too musty.

Also, I hope that in the sequel to this infomercial, they explore the special relationship between the plumbers at the 0:07 mark. Brokeback Pipes!

VIA Gawker

First it was LeAnn Rimes and her baby gayfaced husband, then it was Joe Jonas and his eyebrow soulmate and now it's Kim Kardassian and Reggie Bush! Fart it ain't so! It's the week of break-ups! So if your fuck time partner says they "need to talk" and you're not ready to quit the ass, tell them you got the oink flu and to check on you next week.

Kim Kardassian's spokeswhore confirms that she's no longer letting Reggie motorboat her naaaaaalgas (so big needs extra As). A source claims, "Nobody cheated. This is just a case of conflicting schedules and their lives going in different directions. It was a totally mutual decision."

The fact that this "source" states nobody cheated, means somebody passed their genitals around on the down low. All signs point to Reggie. Dude plays football for a living, so he probably wet humps anything with nipples. Note to self: The next time you come across Reggie Bush, flash them nipples.

And I love the whole "scheduling conflicts" shit! Like that bitch does anything. Yes, Kim, being useless is more than a full-time job.

CoCo uploaded these stunning pictures to her Twatter of her at some event in Maryland this past weekend. CoCo most likely wore this sophisticated ensemble to high tea or a ladies luncheon with the First Lady. I mean, where else would you wear a crotch-smothering, titty choking, denim bell bottom catsuit that lets everyone know you aren't wearing panties?

I think our world leaders need to get together and vote to make this the official uniform for Planet Earth.

19-year-old Joe Jonas and his 22-year-old girlfriend Camilla Belle are no longer rubbing against each other's eyebrows or plucking loose hairs together, because they have broken up. Camilla's rep confirmed the tragic news to People: "Yes, it's true. Joe and Camilla have broken up. There is no third party involved and they care deeply about each other and will remain friends."

Um, I think the third party involved was Camilla's vagina, because it had the grouchies due to Joe refusing to tickle it. He would rather spend his nights trying out new hair products. Wait, is Joe the gay one? I always get confused. Will the gay Jonas Brother please just wear a name tag that says: "Hello, My Name is The Gay Jonas Brother"? It will make things a lot easier.

Seriously, though, I think there was a very important reason for Joe and Camilla's break-up. If they didn't end things, Joe would've never gotten misty-eyed during his concert last night and this video would not exist (WARNING: This may cause you to stick sharp foreign objects in your ear holes):

And just for record keeping purposes, this is my eyebrows' favorite couple of all-time and forever:

Swimmer Ricky Berens unintentionally wore Gay Al Reynolds' favorite glory hole outfit while competing at the FINA World Championships in Rome - Towleroad

Dear Alex Skarsgard, please stay away from all scissors and clippers - Lainey Gossip

Ali Larter's bare nalgas are just hanging out on the sidewalk. No, they really are - Egotastic!

Our Lady of Cheetos gets a Frapp delivery from Sam Merlotte - Popsugar

Melissa Rycroft shouldn't do this ever again - Hollywood Tuna

After this picture was taken, the doggy posted a "RED ALERT: DO NOT LET JESSICA SIMPSON IN" note on his doghouse - Cityrag

Avril Lavigne is a couple of steps closer to starring in a Girls Gone Wild video (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Michael Phelps looking seriously sexy in some Chico's swim panties - Just Jared

Jakey gets his weave, chest mop and nipples wet in new Prince of Persia stills - Just Jared

Lisa Rinna's stomach isn't looking like something that fell out of Jabba The Hutt's ass. Progress! - Hollywood Rag

My chair is now full of glitter, because I just read about the fairy tale wedding of this century! The legendary Peter Pan Dude finally got married to Princess Dorothy after announcing his engagement over a year ago! If you have no idea who this is, then you need more internet in your life! Educate yourself by spending at least 10-minutes on his site's fashion page. Marie Osmond's dolls wish they looked that precious!

Peter Pan (government name: Randy Constan) married biological female Princess Dorothy at the Tampa Bay Renaissance Festival this past March surrounded by middle-aged ravers, grown men in tights and fairies. The magical ceremony was officiated by King Henry VIII and the two recited lyrics from a Led Zeppelin song as their vows. Instead of exchanging rings, they pinky swore. Because according to Peter Pan, a pinky swear "after all, is unconditionally forever, and something not done unless one really really really means it!"

This sounds just like my backyard wedding to my G.I. Joe action figure when I was 8 (okay, it was last summer), but way better! I mean, I recited the lyrics to a Samantha Fox song instead.

A million sparkly congratulations to Peter Pan Dude and his beard...I mean...BRIDE! BRIDE! That's what I meant. It was a slip of the finger.

May the rest of their days continue to be filled with bowl cuts, mesh fairy wings and lots of glitter! And may Peter Pan Dude continue to document it on his website, because I live for that shit.

And do your soul a favor, visit the couple's wedding page. It's the only thing you need to see today. Cancel everything.

VIA Urlesque

A teaser trailer for TRON (working title: NERD PORN) was shown at Comic-Con over the weekend and I can only imagine how many keyboards were destroyed by geek jizz during the viewing of this. Mother's basements were rocking hard all weekend.

You know, after watching this, I thought to myself that this is the longest Daft Punk video ever. And it really is, because they are doing the music for this!

As much as I love this trailer because it probably took the cherry of thousands of middle-aged nerds, it still is lacking a very important individual: TRON GUY!

This shit doesn't come out until next year, so hopefully everyone involved in this movie will fix this issue and add him STAT. This needs TRON GUY!

VIA Best Week Ever

Unfortunately, that title is misleading. This isn't a post about Stepford Katie breaking free from Tommy Girl. Not this time. Try again later.

Radar says that Stepford Katie escaped from a real flame! The weepy robot is in Australia shooting that movie about evil garden gnomes (not a documentary) when a car she was filming in caught on fire! Katie was filming a scene inside of the car when its battery exploded. There was smoke and fumes everywhere. Katie got away in time before the heat short-circuited her hard drive.

A crew came in to get the fire out and filming resumed. You know, the easiest way to put out the fire would've been to ask Katie to recreate the dance tribute to Judy Garland she did on So You Think You Can Dance. That fire would've put itself out.