Call off the search (I'm shouting that to an empty room)!!! The mother of Jude Law's fourth baby friend has been revealed and it's not Rachel McAdams' sister (cue Rachel busting into Bro Franklin's offering time dance). The woman Jude sprinkled his seed in is 24-year-old model/actress/Tool Time Girl reject Samantha Burke.
Sources say DNA tests confirmed that the baby is in fact Jude's. Samantha's attorney released this statement to TMZ: "Ms. Burke can confirm that she did in fact have a relationship with Mr. Law and that she has informed Mr. Law that she is expecting his child later this fall. Since informing Mr. Law of the pregnancy, he has been nothing but responsive and supportive of Ms. Burke and the pregnancy."
TMZ also found Samantha's lonely registry at Babies'R Us. It says she's going to have a girl on October 6th named Cash Ka-Ching Money. No, she's going to name her Sophia.
Sarah Larson, I hope that you can hear me from whatever club bathroom stall you're passed out in when I scream, "THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE!" Samantha Burke cashed her check!
If you care, click here to see Samantha's modeling portfolio.
The Glittery of YouTube needs to stop production on all Beyonce-related material and pick up Shakira's new video for "
She-Goat She-Wolf." My ass needs to see them fluttering about in a cut up Capezio catsuit, grinding on their mother's guest bed, thrusting in a large-sized dog cage from Petco and... and... and... And what the hell are they going to use for that giant *fancy* sparkly organ cave Shakira's busting it in? That part looks like a lost scene from Ricky Martin's colon cam.
It's here! The Snuggie for dogs! It will terrify your dog more than Michael Vick's headshot!
The Snoggie gives your dog yet another reason to hate your ass even more and slowly smother you while you sleep! If you make your dog wear a Snuggie, don't be surprised if you wake up to find a tiny pillow in his paws. You asked for it! I mean, it's fine if you want to look like an asshole who creams your Snuggie whenever your latest "friend" from the Teddy Bear of the Month Club arrives, but don't take your dog down with you!
Although, if your dog gets cold while watching TV and sipping hot chocolate on cold winter nights, then maybe you should get him a Snuggie. And if you've actually seen your dog change the channel with the remote, then maybe you should go to rehab.
Don't even ask if I'm getting my dog a Snuggie! DON'T! Yes, I dress him up in a green Santa Claus costume every Christmas. Yes, I regularly put a blonde wig on his head and make him dance around to Britney songs, but I'm not pathetic enough to get him a Snuggie. As if.
However, the talking doggy tag looks like it could come in handy. You can record yourself saying stuff like (in a doggy voice of course), "You rook beautiful" and "I ruv you." That way when you get the sads, you can ask your dog, "How do I look?" All you gotta do is push the button and feel the warmth in your heart when you hear him say, "You rook beautiful." You're welcome, Aniston!
Or maybe this title should read "Jon Ate Kate And Is Wearing Her Hat As a Trophy." It's possible.
You know when Jon looked into the mirror and saw that purdy hat, those shiny earrings and a pair of heavenly boobies, he grabbed his ass and then asked for his own number.
Jon and Jon Plus 8 Egos. Times have changed!
Today is Thursday, which means it's time for your weekly brain colonic, because the new issue of GOOP is out. Although, let's leave this week's newsletter alone (it's about books, blahg) and talk about an interview Fishsticks Paltrow gave to People Magazine at last night's Champions of Hope Benefit Gala in NYC. Cacaness.
Somebody needs to hand me a sharp needle, so that I can pop the gigantic fart bubble Fishy has been living in. This ho said that she's a gift box of OMGamazing information and that people get on their knees and thank every God for GOOP. Fishy queefed, “People are so grateful that it’s free. It’s just nice to share what you have. And I have all this great information. It’s just a gift. People want me to do all this other stuff. But right now, I just really love doing the site. I love thinking about the letters, what I’m going to write about, what kind of information we can put in there.” You know where you need to put that information, Fishy? Fart to get a clue.
Seriously, what is she teaching the world?! How to roast a stupid ass dumb ugly chicken? Even Sandra Lee's drunk ass could probably teach us that. The keyword being "probably." And what's with this "grateful that it's free" mess? People who read every line of GOOP are paying dearly. They are paying with their soooooouuuuuuuuuuuuls. Seriously, ask for a receipt.
Here's a few pictures of Princess POOP last night wearing a dress decorated with Glamberace's glittery jizz load.
Jude "I Swear I'll Pull Out In Time" Law announced that he has a fourth baby coming around the bend this Fall, but wouldn't say who he knocked up. YourTango (via Star) is saying that Rachel McAdams' younger sister,
Hilary Swank Kayleen, is the woman who is brewing a little Jude Law baby in her womb. Apparently, Jude and Kayleen did fucky times last year without the help of a baby batter catcher mit.
They met in NYC when Kayleen came to visit her sister on the set of Sherlock Holmes. This might solve this blind item from CDAN:
This B+/A- movie actor had a great relationship with his C list movie actress co-star on one of his recent movies. It didn't lead to anything romantic for them, but the actress did invite her sister to the set. Well one thing led to the other and the next thing you know the sister of the C list actress was pregnant. When our actor found out, he dumped the sister and is saying the child isn't his. It made for a VERY tense time between the actress and the actor on their recent promotional tour.
However, Jude's spokeswhore told Life & Style that Kayleen McAdams IS NOT THE MOTHER.
A source told Life & Style that Jude did meet his baby mama in NYC while he was filming SH in January, but that it was just one of those "fuck, dump and bounce" sort of things. After Jude left town, the woman found out she had a case of the babies. She contacted Jude's publicist, they got a DNA test and that's that! The source went on to say, "The two of them are by no means together, but Jude isn't being a jerk about being a father. He's willing to take responsibility for his baby. And she's definitely keeping it. She's probably about seven months along right now."
Whoever, the lady is, she should name the baby Sherlock. It's the right thing to do. Homegirl should also stick a few Propecia pills in her vag, so the baby can grab 'em and eat 'em. I mean, look at Jude's "gone north" hairline. You can't be too careful!
If I already wasn't a member of The Church of Chicken Cutlets, I'd join Shiantology - I'm Not Obsessed
JLo is taking her never-ending birthday celebrations overseas - Lainey Gossip
I would totally love Vadge's new song if we both time-traveled back to the 90s, did Tina together and then danced with our shirts off in a sea of gays - Towleroad
New pap pictures of Sarah Larson 3.0 (or are we on 5.0 by now?) - Hollywood Tuna
Summit checks Rachelle Lefevre, accuses her of lie-tellery - Just Jared
Missy from Bring It On is in a bikini on FHM - Egotastic!
Plastic surgery done right. Unfortunately, Jocelyn Wildenstein is not included in this list. RECOUNT! - Cityrag
If you don't want anyone to know you're wearing a wig, maybe you should pay your wig maker - Hollywood Rag
Hmmmm...This reminds me that sometimes you can use Q-tips to knock the dingles out of your butt - Holy Moly!
OctoCrazy's mom is still living in a caca den, but at least her eyebrows are still looking gorgeous - Celebitchy
I think these pictures were marked wrong, because this looks more like Courtney Love's 30th birthday party - ICYDK
Stank pussy & sweet pussy - Popeater
This is a commercial for a completely unnecessary product called The Shake Weight. It is unnecessary because this shit already exists. It's called A DICK! To be blunt.
I wonder if The Shake Weight makes you lick the tip and moan like you're actually getting off on it? If you buy now, you'll get a set of mini vibrating medicine balls that you can play with in one hand while you're single-fisting The Shake Weight.
SPOILER ALERT: The "prestigious California university" that conducted the scientific study is DeVry.
Just take the essence of Prostitution Whore from The Real Housewives of NJ, stir in a drop Swan Brooner's tears of determination, throw in every single item Contempo Casuals made in 1988 and blend until creamy. After you pour it into a bowl and sprinkle a handful of Victoria Gotti's dandruff on top, you will have this picture! This is just more Photoshop fakery from Candie's!
You won't be seeing this one hanging in the middle of a Kohl's anytime soon, because it was an outtake. They probably woke up, smelled the Cheeto smegma and realized this picture looked it belonged in a catalog for mail order mob wives (please tell me such a thing exists).
Here's some un-touched pictures of Brit Brit with her soulmate Frapp (WITH WHIP!!!) yesterday in Los Angeles. It's always amazing to see pictures of Brit like the one above, because she never needs help from the Photoshop fairies. Behold her natural beauty!
Oh, look! It's a picture of Roseanne dressed up as Hitler in the new issue of Heeb Magazine. Eeesh. If this was anybody else, my eye balls would've already jumped out of their sockets and been on the next Chinatown bus to "Anywhere That Doesn't Have The Internets." But this is Roseanne. If you've spent two quick seconds on her blog, you'll know that she's a proud member of the "Y So Edgy" club. Roseanne's tongue is like a taser. I mean, look at this snippet from the article:
"As we wrap up the shoot, Barr puts her Swastika armband, one of the gingerbread victims and a Polaroid of herself in the costume in a Ziploc bag, making it look like evidence from some bizarre crime scene. She plans on bringing it to her 13-year-old son when she picks him up from school. 'Maybe this will make my kid like me,' she says with a sigh. "
And I think this picture has just become Tom Arnold's screen saver for everything.