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If my little 6-year-old cousin handed me these pictures and said, "Look what I colored! And I stayed in the lines," I would totally believe her. I would also pat her on the head, give her a losing scratcher ticket (they don't know the difference) for a job well done and then immediately marinate my hand in a bowl of Purell. Kids have cooties. I would never guess that these are actual pictures taken with an actual camera. Photoshop fuckery to the extreme.

This is one of those "fuckit" jobs too. The hos at Candie's handed these pictures over to the Pshop artistes at 4:45pm on a Friday. They just slapped this shit together so they could hurry up and get to happy hour. Fuck, they probably did this job at happy hour. I mean, look at that white fence. Fences aren't supposed to look like that in real real. Although, the fence still looks better than Brit Brit's Kim Zolciak-approved wig. There's a tightrope...

And what is with Brit Brit's horse obsession? This is some Equus shit! Cheeto-uus!

Tomorrow morning, the Staples Center in Los Angeles will be filled with thousands of people for Michael Jackson's memorial, but his bestest friend Elizabeth Taylor won't be there. Liz Twittered this afternoon that she didn't want to be a part of it. I loved that she used the word "whoopla." And I bet she says it the same way she says maaaaariage.

You know, it makes sense that Liz isn't going to show up. I think the memorial is more for the fans. It's bordering on a "public whoopla," but we'll see tomorrow. However, if there's a red carpet and Giuliana DePandasAss from E! is asking all the celebwhores who they are wearing, I'm throwing my TV out the window and sending Joe Jackson the bill!

The memorial will be televised on most major networks at 10am Pacific. So far, the list of performers and speakers include: Usher, Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, John Mayer, Rev. Al Sharpton, Shaheen Jafargholi (from Britain's Got Talent), Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson and Brooke Shields.

The keeper of the unicorn forest has been spending time in NYC while he shoots a movie and he's anxiously counting the seconds until he can take his sparkly ass out of here. Gatecrasher says that RPattz has had it with NYC and its certifiable vaginas.

A source said, "He's so over everything. He's overwhelmed by all the girls — they terrify him! He says girls grab his neck and clothing all of the time, and he’s not used to that. Fans don’t do that to him in London. Everyone there is a little cooler about the fame thing, which is what he’s used to. He’s embarrassed by the way girls throw themselves at him. The girls here are stalking him. He stayed in two different hotels over the course of four days just to try to escape the fans who were following him. He's afraid that if he gives a hand, they’ll take the whole arm. He’s being advised by security not to encourage the crowd, so he doesn’t even look up anymore."

He also probably hates it that random strangers keep dropping quarters in his coffee cup when he's standing on the street. I'd have the sads too if my coffee always tasted like dirty metal.

Poor RPattz. it sounds like you need a place to rest your magical forest hair that's free of crazy bitches. Might I suggest my No-No Hotel? It's kind of crowded and you'll have to wear a gas mask, but nary a vag will bother you!

The City of Stockton, CA needs to bottle their own water and sell it at bars across the world (preferably one near me), because it's obviously some potent shit! It's got hos seeing things with their own eyes! You see, a neighborhood in Stockton believes that the image of Michael Jackson is on that tree stump. They need more people.

The dude who owns the tree said Michael's image suddenly appeared on the tree stump the day he passed away. That weekend, crowds began to gather around the stump. One neighbor said, "Michael Jackson was an icon to us. To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus, to some people. I think they're both about even."

Michael visited Stockton 20 years ago after a school shooting.

Raise your hand if see Michael on that tree stump. If you're raising your hand, then I'm guessing a bong is in the other. Or your fifth cocktail of the day. I squinted my eyes and even look at this upside down. I still don't see Michael Jackson! I kind of see an evil bunny rabbit with abnormally long whiskers and no ears, but I don't see MJ.

Source VIA The Awl

Does RiRi realize that there's a starfish sucking on her tit? - Hollywood Tuna

Kara DioShutTheHellUp got married. I hope her new husband owns a pair of really thick ear plugs - Just Jared

A bunch of fresh tampons and maxi-pads - Lainey Gossip

Lady GagMe with one of her caca knobs out. And that 4th grade solar system craft project on her head gets an F- - Egotastic!

Janice Dickinson's crotch. Happy Monday! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Holly Madison is using all her energy to suck in her stomach when she really should be focusing on fixing those wonky ass eyebrows - Hollywood Rag

David Beckham knows how to wear a pair of white panties - Popsugar

Alaska has their own KFed - Towleroad

If I check Google Earth every second, will I catch Johnny Depp running nekkid on his private island? - Cityrag

Megan Fox knows how to sell a movie - Popoholic

Adrian Grenier is topless. Don't worry, your chonies will stay dry - Popbytes

Win a date with Aaron Carter! Does he provide the meth or do you have to? - ONTD

Every morning I wake up hoping that there is some kind of news about Janet Wood! My wish was granted today, but unfortunately it's not good news. TMZ says that Joyce DeWitt had too many of those fizzy delicious drinks with umbrellas in them before getting behind the wheel of a car in El Segundo, CA on July 4th.

Joyce basically held up giant flag with the words "I IZ DRUNKS" written on it when she drove right through a police barricade! Not the brightest thing to do if you're driving under the influence of the sweet nectar. Bitch pulled a Chrissy Snow!

The po po smelled her drunk bref, gave her a few sobriety tests, arrested her ass for DUI and set her bail for $5,000. Come and knock on her cell door (but only between the hours of 1pm and 5pm Monday through Friday).... Sorry, it was right there and I had to take it.

UPDATE: I've added Joyce's beautiful mess of a mug shot. I think Janet was trying to recreate Phil Spector's legendary mug shot. The eyes have it!

This is a beautiful and touching mini-novella starring Jenny the Pug and her lil' stuffed pug dog babies. Follow Jenny as pushes a baby carriage (complete with parasol) all over Portland, Oregon. Jenny is a good mama je'e, because she knows that the sun could melt or fade her babies. Jenny is a better parent than half of the bitches out there! If this whole "Mother of the Year" thing doesn't work out for her, I'm sure she could get a job as the Joffrey Ballet's prima ballerina.

This makes me feel like I'm being hugged by a Care Bear, but if you ever catch me uploading a video like this starring my own dog, get me some dick ASAP. It would be a cry for help!

VIA Ursleque

Apparently, Goldie Hawn thinks that her daughter Kate Hudson needs to stop bouncing on A-Rod's veiny roid stick. Goldie also thinks that Kate needs to stick some Fen Phen pills up her cooze, so it won't be as hongray for dick! Kate is not listening to her mother. She is obviously still busting vagina bombs all over A-Roid's dude tittays.

At a Yankees game on Friday night, Kate was front row cheering on A-Roid as he hit his 564th home run.

I'm actually a little surprised that these two twats are still together. Maybe it really true true love? Hah. And HAH. I'm also a little surprised that I've never really noticed that Kate looks like the bastard love child of Brit Brit and Dopey.

Fucking shit fuck fuck shit fuck fucking fuck! THIS BITCH. Lady CaCa is really doing this! You know, a few days ago I saw pictures of her with the same eyebrows and figured that it was just a one-time thing. I thought that even her fool ass would realize that she is not worthy of such exquisite eyebrows. BUT here she is again! The Sharpie Corporation needs to send a cease and desist to Lady CaCa right away! Also, the cholas and the old crazy ladies of the world need to file a class-action lawsuit against her for copyright infringement!

I'm serious. I'd rather see Sharpie eyebrows on CHERYL BURKE'S floppy nalgas than this bitch. Anybody but this trick ass skank ho! Something must be done.

For a while there, Jared Leto was looking like a member of the most broke ass Nirvana cover band of all-time. Jared probably got sick of Courtney Love chasing after him while shouting about FRAUD and the evil doers at AMEX, because he finally took a Flowbee to his hair! The return of Jordan Catalano! May our fuck holes unite in song: HALLELUJAHZ!

Is it just me or does Jared's hair look like the spawn of Kate Gosselin's rabid possum in certain angles? YES! That's one way to keep Jon Gosselin from humping your back in a dimly lit bar.

Here's Jared trolling Malibu the other day with Heidi Montag's former fake boss Brent Bolthouse. Why do I know this piece of utterly useless information? Weep for me.