It looks like Brad Pitt had a few dozen swigs of what we call holy water at last night's after-party for Inglourious Basterds in Berlin. Brad is making the exact same facial expression as Old Baby at the beginning of Benjamin Button. The Curious Case of German Beer!
OK! says that Brad didn't leave the after-party until 2 in the morning. Oooooooh, St. Angie is going to git him for this! She's going to punish him by making him sleep in the same room with her without his earplugs! That's torture since her hypnotic vagina hums all of Stravinsky's religious symphonies throughout the night. And it's always off-key.
Brad probably thought she'd never find out, but GOD is always watching. No, seriously, I think St. Angie pays God under the table to check in on Brad when she's not around.
I say let the old goat frolic through the drunk clouds every now and again. If I had a zillion screaming little deities at home, I'd be injecting liquid Percocet into my nipple holes every hour on the hour. So two (or twenty) beers is nothing.
The Jersey Shore Store (smells like hairspray crust, AXE tanning oil, taffy wrappers and low tide) in NYC unveiled their wax figures of both The Boss and Ol' Blue Eyes yesterday. At least they say it's Bruce and Frank, but I've crossed my eyes while trying to tell myself in a Jersey accent that it's them and I still don't see it.
Although, I'm a little distracted, because I'm trying to ignore the goose bumps on my no-no from looking at Bruce's wax statue. SUCIO! Seriously, when you're telling yourself, "I'd hit that candledick," it might be time for a slut-ervention. Call Candy Finnigan!
YES!!! I'm so excited....I'm so excited....I'm so....ooold. Yes, this People Magazine cover starring the cast of Saved By The Bell reminds me that I will soon be spending my days licking on Werther's Originals and talking to my Pantyhose Dolls in the retirement home, but who cares?! This is what all magazine covers should look like! The best part is that People used the "U DON'T EXIST" Photoshop tool to erase Screech from the 1989 cast photo.
Now if only there was a Photoshop tool to erase the images from his (NSFW) sex tape from my brain. Screech ruined Dirty Sanchezes for me.
VIA Cover Awards
Somewhere in the world, Latarian Milton is smiling from ear to ear in between snacking on chicken fingers, because his "hood rat stuff" way of life LIVES ON! This past Sunday in Utah, a 7-year-old boy stole his father's Dodge Intrepid and drove off! Fox13 says that the boy, we'll call Latarian II, busted through a stop sign and almost crashed into another car. He can be an instructor at the Linday Lohan School of Driving.
The ho in the other card realized that a shorty was at the wheel, so they called the cops. Buzz killers.
When the cops caught up with Latarian II, he turned down another street to avoid them. The boy led the police on a short chase through the parking lot of a local high school. The chase ended when the boy drove back to his house, parked in the driveway and ran inside to hide.
When his father asked why he stole the car, Latarian II had a very valid reason. He said that he was trying to get out of going to church!!! Cue all of us shaking our heads in agreement while saying, "Oooooh, okay then."
Seriously, the boy reacted in a perfectly natural way. Whenever someone suggests I go to church with them, I steal a Dodge Intrepid and drive the fuck off too.
And how do I submit both Latarian Milton and Latarian II into the next Indy 500? Team Hood Rat Stuff all the way!
Have the straight dudes of America turned on whore hero, philosopher and tongue aficionado Megan Fox? The NYDN says that they might have, because they have declared August 4th as "A Day Without Megan Fox." On that day, a handful of dude-focused websites (including Asylum, Double Viking and AskMen) will not post anything Megan Fox related. They say that Megan Fox mania has forced them to put her in the corner for a 24-hour time out.
The editor of AskMen said, "You can have too much of a good thing. We're joining in the media blackout and giving our readers a one-day reprieve from the woman we've been drowning in all summer."
What oh what are they going to do when the Megan Fox fuck tape hits the internet on August 4th? They will have to gnaw off each other's fingers to not write about it. Brains and nutsacks will explode. You know it's going to happen. The internet gods are a bunch of cunts!
And I don't think I can partake in this. I mean, if I don't look at a picture Megan Fox licking on an imaginary dick at least once a day, I'm afraid I won't wake up the next morning. Or I'm afraid I will wake up without a tongue.
Rachelle Lefevre, who played the role of Victoria in the first two Twilight movies, has been replaced with Richie Cunningham's daughter Bryce Dallas Howard. Summit issued a press release that said Bryce will take over the role for Eclipse. They said Rachelle isn't able to shoot the movie due to "scheduling conflicts."
Uh. Huh.. "Scheduling conflicts" is bullshit talk for "bitch got fired" or "bitch wanted more cash" or "bitch was sick of Twitwards getting in her life" or "bitch wanted to do real acting." Let's be real.
I can only imagine how the Twihards are going to handle this. I remember when I almost choked a ho when One Life to Live replaced Asian Blair Cramer with White Blair Cramer. My soul wasn't right for months after they pulled that shit!
And as much as I appreciated Bryce Dallas Howard's amazing work in Lady in the Water, I think the Twilight bitches cast the wrong ginge. If they really wanted to make Eclipse a phenomenal blockbuster sensation, they would've given international supermodel and scene stealer Phoebe Price the role. I mean, nobody can pose with an inanimate object (I'm looking at you, Kristen Stewart) the way PP can! It's totally going to flop now.
Kid Rock will not be invited to Ashton Kutcher's Twitter circle jerk anytime soon, because he is completely against it. In the new issue of Rolling Stone (via Page Six) Kid Pebble (copyright: Tommy Lee) farted out, "It's gay. If one more person asks me if I have a Twitter, I'm going to tell them, 'Twitter this [bleep], mother[bleep]er. I don't have anything to say, and what I have to say is not that relevant. Anything that is relevant, I'm going to bottle it up and then squeeze it onto a record somewhere."
You know what this means, if you ever run into Kid Rock, it is your duty to ask him if he Twitters. When he calls you a "mother[bleeper]er (whatever that is)," keep asking him about it. Yeah, he will eventually break a bottle of Colt 45 on your head and order his bodyguards rip out your kneecaps, but it will be worth it. While you're laid up in a hospital bed attached to a morphine drip (YAY!), he'll be marinating in a jail cell somewhere muttering to himself about "[bleeping] Twitter." Do it for mankind!
And Twitter does not appreciate Kid Rock ruining its shocking "YUP, I'M GAY" People Magazine cover. Thanks for fucking up Twitter's big surprise coming out party, Kid Rock!
The crazy house doors swung open and Mischa Barton skipped on out so that she could go fly to NYC to begin work The Beautiful Life. She plays a pill-loving supermodel on the show. It was over a week ago that Mischa was put on Code Cheeto (aka a 5150) after she had a meltdown after watching her performance in a few episodes of The O.C. NO. Some say Mischa danced too much with the bad shit and it effed with her brains. It was probably just research for her show. RESEARCH: The Tatum O'Neal excuse!
Mischa's rep has never said what the real reason for Mischa's hospitalization was, but he did say, "I can confirm that she's left the hospital with the intention to resume production."
Here's Mischa with that fresh rehab bloat leaving LAX with her doggy friend yesterday and also smoking in SoHo last night. And she's smiling! Although, that might just be the medication at work. I know that when someone catches my grouchy ass smiling, I just say, "It's the medication! The medication! It's an awful awful side effect of the meds. Ignore it."
Jennifer Aniston forces her cat to attend another "Cooking for Couples" class with her. - Disraeli Ears
The genie misunderstood when I made my third wish for a hot pussy to grind on my meat. - The Vinyl Villager
He knew that if he wanted to impress spaghetti cat no simple ragu would suffice - Shants
I told Randy Jackson to cut it out with that "yo, dawg" shit. I said you're pissing me off. I did. but, oh no, he had to go and "yo, dawg" one more time. - jazzfish_77
Joseph from Hell's Kitchen - On last week and last night's episode, this hot bitch, who was a food specialist in the Marines, got cunty with Gordon Ramsay while nominating two dudes for elimination. Gordon, a cuntmeister himself, asked a simple question, but Joseph "is not no bitch" so he refused to be run down! It got to the point where crazydumbhot Joseph ripped off his jacket and threatened to take Gordon outside to the parking lot. Swooooooooon! My nipples got heavy and I felt tingly. It was like the beginning of a really hot gay porn (sans Gordon's microwaved raisin face). Watch the fuckery below and tell me that when Joseph shouted "I ain't no fucking bitch, chef," you shouted back, "I'll be yo bitch!!!" Okay, maybe it was just me.