George Clooney has sent his last piece back to the cocktail waitress factory and is now getting finger banged (you know how he does) by Italian TV presenter Elisabetta Canalis. Radar says that George and Elisabeth have been on a few dates together in Rome while he's getting ready to shoot a movie there. Also, George mainly lives at his pad in Lake Como, Italy.
30-year-old Elisabetta currently hosts the Italian version of MTV's Total Request Live. But she's hosted other shit and even had a bit role in Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo! Take that, Sarah Larson!
I looked high and low to see if Elisabetta has any experience serving cocktails and came up with nothing!! Bitch better doctor her resume and start practicing balancing martinis on a tray! If Elisabetta wants to stick around as George's facial hair, she better learn the trade! George will put her to the test! If you spill even one drop, you're out!
I'd rather watch a butt nugget slowly dry in the sun than watch 30-minutes of a reality show starring Tobey Maguire. So I'm sure a reality show starring his family will bring the bores even more. Page Six that some bitch who needs to take a class at the Learning Annex on WHAT NOT TO PUT ON TV is a producing a show about the lives of Tobey's mother and younger brother. They are even biting off White Oprah by calling the show Growing Up Maguire. That strange feeling you're feeling is called second hand embarrassment. If you haven't already caught a case of the Zzzzs from reading this news, read on...
The show will follow Wendy Maguire as she makes "sacrifices to shield her children from the downside of the entertainment industry." And she does this from the bottom of the entertainment industry barrel known as reality TV (that's a compliment).
The good bitches at Ambien are probably biting off their toe nails out of nervousness this morning, because this bore fiesta could put their asses out of business.
You're still asleep, right?
Now that Blaaaaake and Wino are officially over, he's queefing out a bunch of tales about their druggy shenanigans together and this one co-stars fellow professional snorter Kate Moss! A couple of years back, Blaaaake and Wino were partying it up with Kate at the Gramercy Hotel in NYC. The sweet nectar was flowing, but Kate was in the mood to go skiing, so she asked Wino to fish a bill out of her purse. Wrong move, Kate......
Blaaaaake told The Daily Mail, "Kate had told Amy to get a $10 note out of her handbag to snort lines with. But Amy told me she found two grams of cocaine in there – so she nicked them. We did some in the toilets and had sex, but we did the rest in front of everyone."
Good move, Wino....
Blaaake said that Kate never noticed, because she was under a booze spell as usual. But really, what's 2 grams to Kate? Bitch snorts that in her sleep.
And if BloHan ever invites Wino over for a "snack," she shouldn't be surprised if the little crackie shows up with a shopping cart.
This is the second time in one month that Debbie Rowe has been seen wearing the enchanted and mysterious Three Wolf Moon t-shirt! Since then, hundreds of people have donated their lives to serving her, money randomly falls on her from the sky and she even found her vagina on the first try. Debbie is never taking it off.
Besides, I doubt she can take it off! It's stuck to her like a magnet. The wolves feed on Debbie's nipple crust, under titty butter and pit juice for protein and nourishment. They're all good and they will be there forever!
Here's more of the wolf master visiting Dr. Klein's office yesterday. Yes, THAT Dr. Klein.
The L.A. coroner's official toxicology report on Michael Jackson is due any day now and it may be what investigators need to charge his personal doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray, with manslaughter. Dr. Murray has been the focus of a manslaughter investigation, because investigators believe that he's the one who gave Michael Jackson the deadly dose of Propofol. The police believe this, because apparently, Dr. Dumb Fuck admitted it two days after Michael's death. That's what TMZ claims anyway.
An LAPD source told them that Dr. Murray regularly gave Michael Propofol to help him sleep. And I thought I was hardcore by taking a Tylenol PM with a shot of whiskey to help me go off to dreamland.
The day Michael died, Dr. Murray gave him an IV drip of the powerful anesthesia. Dr. Murray did it without monitoring Michael by an EKG which apparently is a huge no-no in the medical community. The police source went on to say that they believe Dr. Murray even took a little nap while administering the drug. When he woke up, Michael was already dead from heart failure.
LAWD! Did Dr. Murray buy his license from the internet? I bet he graduated first in his class from Dr. Sandeep Kapoor's School of Medicine.
Dude is fucked. Hopefully.
Who knew Kim Carnes could have a comeback with her new song 'Homer Simpson Eyes.' - tastycar
Okay, now that we've all done the secret hand signal, the meeting of "Dudes Who Have Never Seen A Nekkid Chick" will come to order. - ISprainedMyUvula
The greatest threat was that Kim Jong Il's hand signal for Launch Missiles was so close to Bring Me Another Hooker. - jazzfish_77
After catching Roger the chronic masturbater for 23rd time this month, HR came up with this idea. - Raul Duke
Francis, host of Cooking with Dog on YouTube - Francis is a poodle who teaches us how to make Japanese dishes on YouTube. Well, actually Francis just sits there (like Sandra Lee!) looking hot while some lady does the cooking and some dude narrates it. But if you've had a few puffs of the good stuff, you'd probably think Francis was actually talking. I did. Below is Francis teaching us how to cook fish-shaped cake. You can check out his YouTube channel for more.
Oh and give Francis a few claps for each of his glamorous hairstyles. Bitch should also get his own beauty show.
Alexis Arquette (40)
Soulja Boy (19)
Dustin Milligan (24)
Nicole Narain (35)
Elizabeth Berkley (37)
Lori Loughlin (45)
Sally Struthers (61)
Jim Davis (64)
Got an ass so stanky that it makes flies commit mass suicide (don't look at me)? Got a pair of feet so rank that all your socks disappear from your drawer in the middle of the night? Got a coochie so rancid that the Department of Sanitation declared it a toxic waste zone (Paris, this one goes out to you)?
If you answered yes to one of those questions and are allergic to water and soap, this product is for you! It's called the Aspray and it's like Fabreeze for your bits! Apparently, this is a real-life product created by someone named Doc Bottoms (which is also one of Tommy Girl's pet names).
I'll skip this shit and just stick to shoving a Little Tree up my ass when my stuff gets too musty.
Also, I hope that in the sequel to this infomercial, they explore the special relationship between the plumbers at the 0:07 mark. Brokeback Pipes!
First it was LeAnn Rimes and her baby gayfaced husband, then it was Joe Jonas and his eyebrow soulmate and now it's Kim Kardassian and Reggie Bush! Fart it ain't so! It's the week of break-ups! So if your fuck time partner says they "need to talk" and you're not ready to quit the ass, tell them you got the oink flu and to check on you next week.
Kim Kardassian's spokeswhore confirms that she's no longer letting Reggie motorboat her naaaaaalgas (so big needs extra As). A source claims, "Nobody cheated. This is just a case of conflicting schedules and their lives going in different directions. It was a totally mutual decision."
The fact that this "source" states nobody cheated, means somebody passed their genitals around on the down low. All signs point to Reggie. Dude plays football for a living, so he probably wet humps anything with nipples. Note to self: The next time you come across Reggie Bush, flash them nipples.
And I love the whole "scheduling conflicts" shit! Like that bitch does anything. Yes, Kim, being useless is more than a full-time job.