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LeAnn Rimes 7-year marriage to Dean Rainbow Sherbet is currently on pause following a zillion rumors that she Sienna Miller-ed Eddie Cibrian (who also split from his wife). During a show at the Deer Valley Music Festival in Utah on Saturday night, LeAnn briefly talked about her split from Twinkle Face. And of course, she brought God into it:

"It is inevitable that sometimes in a relationship, you will have your heart broken. Sometimes you don't do anything, but sometimes you want revenge. Sometimes you don't, and that's when you just leave it in God's hands and know that He will take care of it."

Did God's hand also put Eddie Cibrian's married penis into your married vagina? And with that, my moving date to Hell just got moved up! Call the movers.

But seriously, LeAnn needs to quit it with that "heartbroken" and "woe is me" shit. BITCH, quit the apple pie act. Just say, "Listen, if you had a chance to get dicked by Eddie Cibrian, you would do it too." The truth. The end. Done.

The Keeper of the Unicorn Forest flew into JFK today and was greeted by not your typical Twitard. She doesn't look like Hot Topic just wet farted all over her. She doesn't have a fake "Edward Was Here" tattoo on her neck. She doesn't have a unibrow. And it also doesn't look like a panty milkshake waterfall is running down her leg (this is unconfirmed).

I mean, homegirl probably smells like Pantene, cocoa butter and three kinds of Victoria's Secret body spray, but she actually looks kind of normal? This bitch might be an impostor. RPattz should've tested her ass by asking her to recite every line from the New Moon trailer backwards. If she couldn't do that, bitch is faking it. Or maybe she mistook him for Samantha Ronson?

Rupert Everett's internal filtering system is broken and they don't make the parts anymore to fix it, so nothing is stopping pure fuckery from spewing out of his mouth hole. Rupert, who recently said Michael Jackson was a freak, has been dumped as contributing editor of Vanity Fair after he talked caca about the magazine's editor Graydon Carter in an interview with The Daily Beast.

In the interview, Rupert called Graydon a "weird character." However, he did say that he thinks Graydon is a good fuck, because he heard screams of passion coming from his room when they stayed in the same hotel once. In typical Rupert fashion, he followed the compliment with a kick to the ass bone, "The next day I went down to breakfast and Graydon came in and I thought to myself, well, now I understand why you are always acting so entitled and walking on air even though you're rather fat. It's because grazing the grass between your legs is this appendage of yours. I did rather politely tell him that morning that I thought he was a very good fuck."

Graydon apparently didn't appreciate being called "fat," so took a Magic Eraser to Rupert's name on the masthead. A source told the Daily Mail, "When his remarks reminded Graydon that Rupert was still listed, it seemed some housecleaning was in order."

This is not how you slag off your boss, Rupert. You wait until happy hour with your co-workers like normal people do! Although, Rupert's co-workers probably didn't invite him, because they use happy hour to whoop HIS ass with words.

And does being a big cunt most of your life leave your face looking like a discolored hemorrhoid (see above)? Hmm. I'm in trouble.

Amy Wino has knocked the crack demon off her back (that's what they say) and is doing better, but that hasn't stopped her ex-husband Blaaaaaake from blabbing about the time she almost went off to the great big crackhouse in the sky (or maybe it's further south?). Blaaaake, who is still selling out Wino for a check, said she pretty much died one night a few years back. Just another day in the life......

The year was 2006 and Wino wanted to celebrate the success of her album Back to Black. Celebrating for Wino meant going on a 3-day binge where she swallowed pubs whole and ate entire crackhouses. Blaaake said that on the night of day 3, he put her to bed, because she had not slept at all. That's when Wino started to do the infamous crackie shimmy. Blaaake told The Sun, "It was nearly midnight and I'd finally got her upstairs. We were sitting on the bed. Her eyes suddenly went blank. She started having a fit on the bed. She slid down on to the floor before I could stop her. She started quivering again and it suddenly grew into what seemed like a full-blown epileptic fit."

Just a quick question. Was Maryann from True Blood in the room by chance?

Blaaaaake was afraid Wino might bite her tongue right off, so he pulled it out of her mouth and gave her mouth-to-mouth. Yeah, I'm not a doctor nor do I play one on cable TV, but I'm sure Blaaaake was just breathing more of the bad shit into her body. You know his ass was not sober like a fetus. In fact, he was probably so fucked up himself that he accidentally blew air into her nose instead.

Blaaake went on to say, "I held her to me - and I thought she was dying in my arms... I couldn't bear for her to die in front of me."

And by "her," he meant his checking account and bad shit supplier.

Wino was rushed to the hospital where the nurses threw up their hands, screamed "CODE WINO" and then fed her ice pops, washed her crackhive in Pedialyte and called in the local priest to perform another crackorcism on her. Wino recovered and was released. Rinse and repeat!

What Poison Control texts victims to induce emergency vomiting. - sjf05

Runners-up:

Give her a big enough tip and she'll let you double dip. - City Barbie

Estelle was going to wear a dress made of pork rinds, but no one could tell she had it on. - starvis

Butterflies are free but this ass will cost you a combo plate. - Raul Duke

There's an ass crack in the full picture, so it's kind of NSFW. It also might be NSFW if you work for Dorito's competition (or maybe this is good for Dorito's competition). JUMP!

Dawnn Lewis - Dawnn is best known for playing Jaleesa on A Different World for six seasons. She was also in that show Hangin' With Mr. Cooper for a while. Since then, Dawnn has mostly been doing theater stuff. She was in Sister Act: The Musical a few years back and now she's in The Wiz in NYC. Dawnn also wore her hair like that at least one time in history. That is an achievement all on its own.

Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (32)
Cheyenne Kimball (19)
Nick Hogan (19)
Alex Rodriguez (34)
Pete Yorn (35)
Maya Rudolph (37)
Takashi Shimizu (37)
Triple H (40)
Maria Grazia Cucinotta (41)
Julian McMahon (41)
Juliana Hatfield (42)
Bill Engvall (52)
Yahoo Serious (56)
Maureen McGovern (60)
Peggy Fleming (61)
Jerry Van Dyke (78)
Norman Lear (87)

Last night in NYC, JLo had herself another 40th birthday party. Only this was supposedly a "surprise" party Skeletor put together. Nalgas, please! Where the hell did JLo think she was going when she put on that Cleopatra dress she snatched from a drag queen and that braided hair bowl that belongs in a Cinnabon counter? You know she planned that whole thing from top to bottom. I mean, only JLo's mess ass would come up with the name "An Evening For Lola." That is a wreck. And if JLo thinks we're going to start calling her ass "Lola," then she needs more people. Preferably people with prescription pads and straitjackets.

JLo tried to act all shocked when the car pulled up in front of the theater, but come on.... Bitch couldn't even pull of a natural "surprised" look when an anaconda was trying to bite her ass! She should've studied the look on her twins faces whenever she makes a monthly visit to their nursery. Now that's a real surprised look. I need to stop. It's JLo's birthday. So Happy Birthday, Jlo...A-FUCKING-GAIN (this is going to be a daily thing, right?)

Here's some more pictures from last night of the every day birthday girl, Skeletor and her guests including Leah Remini (ugh), Lizaaaaaa and Ricky Martin.

Birthday: July 3, 1966
Age: 43
Birth Name: Sandra Lee Christiansen

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 15, 2009
Claim to Fame: Your guess is as good as mine. No, Sandra Lee got famous by going to the grocery store, buying a bunch of stuff that is already made and then presenting it in front of Food Network cameras. She doesn't do anything! She might be a genius.

Where is she now? Probably still passed out face first in one of her tablescapes after having too many "semi-homemade" glasses of Hpnotiq and blueberries.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because she might be a drunky (and a crazy). And she's the last person on planet earth who should have their own cooking show. This makes her really hot. Below is just a sample of Sandra's amazing skills:

You too can get away with serving your family something that looks like it came out of an asshole if you just introduce it by saying, "LOOK AT THAT!!"

*Note: No, my ass didn't do HSOTW last week, so I'm playing catch up. You can punish me later. Just make sure I can at least sit on my side the next day.

Birthday: February 26, 1961
Age: 48
Birth Name: Miko Castaneda Brando

Original Date of HS of the Day: July 9, 2009
Claim to Fame: Miko Brando was to be a star thanks to Marlon's sperm and Movita's egg. Yeah, I didn't know until recently that Miko's mother was Ana on Knots Landing! Miko is best known for being Michael Jackson's bodyguard/friend. Dude was even in the Thriller video for a quick millisecond.

Where is he now? Hopefully, trying to break Bubbles free so that they can form a new pop duo sensation (with no help from Joe Jackson, thank you). For serious, Miko is probably helping Larry King cross the street right now. They are seem to be bestest friends.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because he wears Hawaiian shirts like a second skin and I can appreciate that. Also, his mother played fucking Ana on Knots Landing! Duh.