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"Actress" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!) Megan Fox has a message for all of you kids out there who are made of fun of because you are different. Fuck 'em, and then kill them, and then eat them.

So, basically, Megan Fox is telling you to Jeffrey Dahmer a bitch if they call you a name. Just blame it on Megan Fox. It will hold up in court.

P.S. - This is just an ad for her movie. Don't do that.

No, this is not a picture of Kate Gosselin's possum head in better days. This is an expertly Photoshopped picture of some kind of animal creature named Max. According to The Sun, Max is Britain's perfect pet! Max is also a perfect nightmare!

So, Scientists pushed aside less important projects like "finding a cure for cancer" and "finding out what exactly made Jon Gosselin turn full douche" to study what makes the perfect pet. They took to the streets and asked 2,000 people what kind of traits they look for when choosing an animal friend. Based on those results, they came up with this!

Max has the ears of a rabbit, the face of a cat, the body of a golden retriever and the tail of a horse. Max sleeps for 9 hours a day and he loves taking walks. And he will probably suck the life out of you when you sleep or chew at your toes when you're sitting on the couch.

You know, they should've asked my ass what traits I look for in a perfect pet. The perfect pet to me is one who doesn't piss on my shoes, who doesn't bark when I have a hangover and who will go out and get a job so it can support my ass. Can Max do all that? If so, send me two of him and I'll find a way to deal with his creepy looks.

Oh, well fuck. One of those Kardashian hos went and got themselves knocked up! E!'s Marc Malkin is saying that Kourtney "The Other One" Kardashian has a BABY!!!! growing in her womb. The father is apparently Khloe Kardashian. I told that bitch to pull out! No, the father is really Claire Cruise. Joking again! Apparently, Kourtney isn't saying who the father is. Probably because she doesn't know. Call Maury!

A few days ago, E! asked her if she was back with her ex-boyfriend Scott, she said, "You're going to have to see on the show." Coincidentally, Kourtney's reality show debuts on E! this weekend.

Yeah, Kourtney should name her baby "Ratings Ploy Kardashian."

Image: Bauer Griffin

Which singer is such a diva that she wears bright red lipstick to bed? She recently made her hubby go out at 10pm to get a replacement tube of her favorite shade. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

Do we even need to do this? Oh, fuckit, my guess is Clay Gayken?

Although the budgets on quite a few television shows have been cut over the last year, the principal actors still usually earn many multiples the salary of the show’s staff. That’s why it’s rather curious that one actress on a popular ensemble show seems to be economizing by raiding the craft services table. She makes frequent trips to the table, always taking two or three times as much as she plans on consuming, and stuffs the extra items in a bag which she takes home at the end of the day. Perhaps she’s planning on having the munchies later. (Blind Gossip)

Katherine Hagel?! And she takes the food to the homeless people on skid row where she trades it for their ciggies.

This aging rock star was recently spotted out and about holding hands and affectionately cuddling with a much younger woman. It turns out that it was actually his daughter-in-law. Because she is unknown, he is occasionally able to convince people that she is his latest conquest. He will do anything to be perceived as young and hip. The daughter-in-law is not too pleased to be used as a prop, but she is afraid to say so, as she doesn’t want to be responsible for her husband being cut out of the will. (Blind Gossip)

Ryan O'Neal probably thinks he's a rock star, so does he count?

Which Fame-Hungry starlet is claiming to be bisexual for attention and to further sexualize her image? Being drunk and making out with other girls at a party to impress the male guests, really doesn’t count as sexual preference, but she’s decided to use it to make her sound more sexy. Not Angelina Jolie. (BuzzFoto)

Noah Cyrus? But seriously, Megan Fox?

Okay, just because Brit Brit's weave looks like something a plumber would pull out of the Abominable Snowman's shower drain doesn't mean she's going to run off in a crazy haze and take a clipper to her head. Although, maybe someone should probably take a clipper to her head. Because that weave is looking like it's about to be picked up by the ASPCA and taken down to headquarters where they will shampoo it, dematt it, feed it and put up for adoption. Kate Gosselin will adopt it, because her possum head needs a love interest.

Here's Brit Brit buying stuff in Los Angeles yesterday. While she was shopping, she got a ticket. No, it wasn't a parking ticket. It was a citation for weave cruelty. Brit seemed happy about it (it's the meds).

Big deal! I can catch an entire Apple Store with my ass - Towleroad

The P'Shop Awards: Milla Jovovich in Maxim - Hollywood Tuna

Don't show this to Paula Abdul - Popeater

Jill Zarin to Mischa Barton: Put a brawawn - Egotastic!

There goes the neighborhood - Hollywood Rag

Is it considered a secret if nobody gives an eff? - Just Jared

Panty creamers galore - Cityrag

SHAME: Justin Gaston is a weepy 11-year-old girl inside the body of a 20-year-old hunk of man - Lainey Gossip

Hollywood's newest trend: The Secret Love Child - Celebitchy

Naomi Campbell and her seriously sessy billionaire boyfriend are living the life - Popsugar

This is an upgrade from Christie Brinkley's last husband (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Paula Abdul is temping now - ICYDK

Reunited: June Lockhart and Lassie - SOW

IN THIS ECONOMY, Oompa Loompas have been forced to work the streets as tranny hookers - Holy Moly!

Dancing with the Meth Faces - Socialite Life

Judy Jetson wore it better - I'm Not Obsessed

This is real love right here. Witness it! There is no stronger love bond than that of a gold digger and a big bag of money in the body of a pepaw. I'm actually getting a little teary eyed (while you're getting a little vommy throated). This is so beautiful.

Larry King took his money hongray wife Shawn out for a little steak the other night despite the fact that he was having eye issues. TMZ says that Larry wore the patch due to cataracts, but I think he's just being modest! I think Larry injured his eye doing some kinky stuff with Shawn down in their sex dungeon! This looks like the result of a good old-fashioned "dildo in the eyeball" accident. Go on, Larry!

The media is continuing its search for the biological mother and/or father of all of Michael Jackson's children. Yeah, I thought the mystery was solved when Claire Cruise came forward claiming to be their mother. But apparently, The Mirror didn't get the memo, because they say Blanket Jackson's surrogate mother is a Mexican nurse named Helena and they say the egg donor was an unknown woman who was paid $3,500. Um. That "unknown woman's" real fake name is CLAIRE CRUISE. Get it right!

According to their asses, this Helena woman was paid $20,000 to carry Blanket. The sperm came from Michael and again, the egg from an unknown donor. Some source added, “He chose Helena because she had a latino background but she was also a US citizen and had quite fair skin. She was around 5ft 4ins, slim, aged around 30 and had long, dark, straight hair. He said she was strait-laced, almost a girl next door type. There were no dramas with her. She knew what she had to do and got on with it.”

Here's a video of Claire denouncing The Mirror for not acknowledging her. Okay, the video is actually of her proposing marriage to Leonardo DiCaprio, but since she effed up the sound it can be whatever you want. Shit, pretend she's announcing to the world that she's the mother of all of us! Don't forget to get her a gift next Mother's Day!

I know you don't even see RiRi in this picture, because your eyes are firmly planted on the ravishing beauty in the middle. This goddess' beauty is so bright that RiRi has to put her shades on and look the other way. But RiRi should really face the brightness and take a good look, because this is how it's done.

Everything is perfect on this beauty from her "take me higher" eyebrows to her titty bib to the sparkly sperm (RPattz?) under her eyes. She's like Posh and Sporty Spice for the price of one. Ladies and gays, if you see this celestial being at a party, go ahead and leave, because you cannot compete!

To help you bring your heart rate back down from staring at perfection, I've added some more pictures of RiRi at her publicists' birthday party and also leaving Barney's earlier in the night.

Kate Hudson has been a regular fixture at Yankee games for a little while now. Below are pictures of Kate with the other baseball players' girlfriends and also at a different game with Goldie and Kurt. It seems like shit is getting real between Kate and A-Roidy. It's getting so real that Kate is ready to have a roid baby with him.

A source tells InTouch Magazine, “She just turned 30 and she’s ready to have her second child. She wants Ryder to have a sibling, so she brought up the idea to Alex and told him that they would make a beautiful baby together, and that she would assume all financial responsibility." The source added that A-Roidy told her he's just not ready for another kid, but Kate is still pressing the issue.

Okay, Kate actually thinks they will make a "beautiful baby" together? Bitch really is dickmatized. With her dwarf-like features and his roidy sperm, their baby will look like this:

If that doesn't make Kate eat birth control pills by the hundreds, I don't know what will.