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This is the most hurtful, disturbing and ridiculous news I've heard all morning! 24-year-old Kristin Hardy has officially divorced her 85-year-old BILLIONAIRE husband, because he wanted to fuck every minute of the day. Get our your abacuses, class! It's math time: 85-year-old heart + billions of dollars + copious amounts of Viagra + overexertion = AN EASY MARK! Why must I cry?

Joe Hardy, the founder of 84 Lumber, and Kristin were married in 2007 (after dating for a few months), but split up only 3 months later. Kristin says that the marriage immediately went south when Joe gave her a list of things she had to do.

Joe wanted her to spend more time with him and less time with her son from another relationship. Joe demanded that she not text message in front of him, walk around the house in sessy lingerie and give him sex whenever he wanted it. Kristin told The Mirror, "I just could not believe what he wanted me to do. He'd lean over while we were watching TV and grope me. That's not how married couples behave. He expected a feel of tit whenever he wanted, French-kiss him constantly and parade around the house in sexy underwear."

The day after she got the list, Kristin left Joe and went to live with her mother. According to the pre-nup she signed, if Kristin walked away from the marriage, she'd get a box full of NOTHING.

Kristin, who is now engaged to a 28-year-old IT consultant, said she married Joe for love and not for money, "I did not marry him for his money. People were calling me a gold-digger but that could not be further form the truth. I married for love and it is as simple as that." STOP! STOP! STOP! PUT IT DOWN! I can't listen to this anymore. You are hurting me, Kristin! Don't make believe that there's people out there with morals and self-respect. I'm not listening anymore....lalalalalalalalaaaa!

Okay, Joe sounds like a regular Creepy McGrossyOldHands, but what did Kristin expect!? She married a man old enough to be her grand pepaw after only dating him for a few months. It's not like they were the second coming of Brit Brit & Chester Cheetah (the love affair of our time). If only I was in Kristin's life, I'd tell her ass what to do.

All she had to do was tie Joe to the bed, spoonfeed him a delicious Viagra and caramel square shake, blindfold him, stick a vibrating rubber vagina over his geriatric peen and then take her kid shopping for diamond-covered toys. Rinse and repeat.

And if Kristin is truth-telling and really married an 84-year-old billionaire for love, then homegirl needs ten lifetimes of therapy. Marrying a creepy old man for money = SANE. Marrying a creepy old man for love = CERTIFIABLE.

(Thanks Soraya)

A newly peroxided MiserAlba slipped a bikini bottom over her grouchy nalgas and spent the day at the beach in Malibu on Saturday. You know her ass cursed at the sand for being so sandy, got cunty with the water for being so salty and flipped off the seagulls for being so seagully. MiserAlba should use her laser beam bitch glare to trim the mangy poodle on Cash Warren's belly. It needs a trim.

Yesterday in Beverly Hills, Marky Mark married the mama je'e of his three chirruns, Rhea Durham, in a Catholic ceremony at the Good Shephard Church. Actually, since it was a Catholic ceremony they were probably named "husband & wife" only a few minutes ago. Catholic weddings go on for eoooooons. Every time I go to one, I'm told to bring a few granola bars for sustenance, a sleeping bag, a copy of War & Peace, a catheter and a shot of adrenaline to wake me up for the last couple of minutes.

Marky and Rhea got married in front of about 20 guests. Rhea wore a nightgown by Marchesa and Marky wore a bitchface. Marky and Rhea's 5-year-old daughter Ella was the flower girl. Now, I know some of your asses might be wondering how they could get married in a Catholic church if they already have three kids, but that doesn't matter! The greatest Catholic wedding I ever went to was the one where the bride (I'm not naming names) wore white with a veil and was about 6-months knocked up. As she walked down the aisle of the Catholic church with the priest staring at her baby bulge, I nearly bit my tongue off to keep from laughing. It was amazing. I skipped the open beer bar at the reception, because I was already drunk from the irony of it all. Simply beautiful.

Anyway, I hope Marky reunited with the Funky Bunch to perform at the reception. You know everyone who went was only there for the free booze, the cake and to see Marky bust his wedded ass to "Good Vibrations."

Melissa d'Arabian From The Next Food Network Star - Tonight is the finale and a new Food Network star (SPOILER ALERT: Their show will be canceled after 3 episodes) will be crowned! It's down to Melissa and that dude with the forehead that goes on for eternity (and a few eternities after that). My ass is rooting for Melissa from Texas, because she has no formal training (she'll tell you that a zillion times) and she's a stay-at-home mom, which means she's probably a pill popper, which means she might have a few on-camera meltdowns if she gets her own show. This is what I'm looking for in a Food Network star (i.e. Sandra Lee).

Apollonia (50)
Hallie Eisenberg (17)
Danica Stewart (26)
Nadia Bjorlin (29)
Edward Furlong (32)
Sam Worthington (33)
Jacinda Barrett (37)
Kevin Smith (39)
Mary-Louise Parker (45)
Cynthia Stevenson (47)
Victoria Jackson (50)
Anthony Crivello (54)
Joanna Cassidy (64)
Wes Craven (70)
Peter O'Toole (77)