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Drink an entire cup of holy water to cleanse your organs, give them a pep talk and get on the next plane to Mexico, because the bad shit is legal there!!!!!! Sort of. The Mexican government made it legal for you to carry around small amounts of drugs for personal use only. They said they only did it to prevent evil cops from taking bribes from small-time dealers.

You can legally carry the following amounts of drugs in your Lisa Frank fannypack when you're trolling around Mexico: "The maximum amount of marijuana under the new law is 5 grams—the equivalent of about four joints. The limit is a half gram for cocaine, the equivalent of about 4 lines. For other drugs, the limits are 50 milligrams of heroin, 40 milligrams for methamphetamine and 0.015 milligrams for LSD."

In other news, 97% of Hollywood, the entire state of Florida, every person with the last name Lohan and half the bankers on Wall Street just moved to Mexico. ARRIBA!

Mah Boo took a little break from writing me lengthy love letters with his silver peen (LET ME DREAM) to call into Watch What Happens Live last night to talk to The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak.

We all know that Mah Boo percolates for NeNe and she has nothing to worry about. I don't think Mah Boo will be hand feeding Kim's wig Bon Bons anytime soon. Speaking of the polyester shrub on Kim's head, Mah Boo actually said he had no idea she wore a wig until she admitted it on the reunion show. Fuck me on a tightrope, because Mah Boo is telling lies! You know he's been to a drag show or fifty, so I'm sure his wigdar is working just fine.

Mah Boo also asked Kim how she makes money and her answer was something like: "Well, I have a nursing degree and I waitressed full-time....five years ago. Big Poppa supports me now." Bitch, stop the foolery and just say it loud and proud: "I'M A WHORE!!!" It's totally what she writes down on her tax returns under occupation, so she should just be real about it. There's nothing wrong with sucking wang for wigs!

I leave you with the walking Museum of Wigs at JFK the other day.

It's hotter than a cat's pussy in NYC, so I can completely understand that Jennifer Aniston needs a big ass fan to keep her ovaries from shriveling up, but DAMN! While you're bitching about your job in your air-conditioned cubicle, think of the poor sap who spent all afternoon being a human fan stand. Jennifer should've taken some pity on that tortured soul and picked up a Twidildo instead. Freeze it, fuck it and stay frosty for hours.

If that was me, I would've "accidentally" tipped that fan onto her head, so that her prized locks would get tangled in that shit. I know, this is why I don't have nice things.

Here's more of Aniston on the set of that movie that will never ever finish shooting. And look, Jenny had herself a threesome with a hot black stud and a blonde bitch right there on the sidewalk. Git git git it, Aniston!

When the doctor finally delivers Kourtney Kardashian's baby, he's probably going to wonder why chunks of its umbilical cord are missing. You tell the doctor that baby had no other choice but to tears off pieces of it to stick in its ears, because Kourtney would not shut the damn hell up!

Since Kourtney announced that she is knocked up, she hasn't stopped talking. If you drive by her house, you'll find her standing out front, mindlessly blabbing to the air. If you threw a soda can at her head, she'd keep on yapping. She wouldn't even notice.

Some pregnant women get morning sickness, but Kourtney has morning/noon/night sickness, because she won't stop barfing up words!

We already know way too much, but Kourtney is still telling us more. Here's a few quotes from just the past couple of days.

Kourtney to Life & Style: "My baby saved my relationship!"

Kourtney to UsWeekly: "I think I'd pose nude while pregnant. I think so. I'd have to think about it."

Kourtney to UsWeekly: "You know what's weird? Like, I always thought, like, if I was pregnant I would eat like, McDonald's or like, Taco Bell all day long or something. I'm not craving those things. Like, I've been craving, like, cold stuff like frozen yogurt and smoothies and like, I've been eating way more fruit then I used to eat before."

Kourtney to E! Online: "I don't think I have ever changed a diaper."

Kourtney to E! Online: "I used to think, ‘Oh, just get a C-section and it's done and easy and whatever.'"

Kourtney to E! Online: "I got tuna on a bagel and pickles and sauerkraut and then bagel chips dipped in thousand island dressing. But after that, I literally went home because I was so tired. I made Scott come home and take a nap with me."

Kourtney to People: "Definitely you want to spoil your kids. But I want them to learn responsibility and want them to make their own money. My dad taught us that."

Kourtney to People: "I think I am strict. "Even [my younger half-sisters] Kendall and Kylie say, 'You are going to be the meanest mom,' because one time at Disneyland I yelled at Kendall because she was throwing a brat attack, because my mom wouldn't buy her a Tinkerbell shirt ... I was like, 'That's not how you teach your kids!' "

Kourtney to the birds flying by in the sky: "Blahblahblah....like blahBABY...like blahblahblahBABY"

RUDE! This is how Glamberace treats a perfectly good dildo? Wait, maybe it didn't sparkle. Fuckit, kick that shit back then! - Towleroad

Erika Christensen Twitters her titties - Egotastic!

Hey, didn't Hugh Grant pretend to work for Horse & Hound magazine in Notting Hill? That's all I got - Popsugar

Ashley Greene and Vanessa Hudgens sharing tips on how to leak your own nekkid pictures at just the right time - Hollywood Tuna

Sookeh and Beeehl Compton buying coffee beans - Just Jared

Hayden Panatroll is bumping it with the owner of Pink Taco. That whole sentence should be illegal - Holy Moly!

This source needs to get their facts straight! Paula Abdul didn't want a "private jet," she wanted a private vet who would freely prescribe her Ketamine! I reached far for that one - I'm Not Obsessed

Katie Price is truly a lady in every way (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Squinty Z needs to do something about her hitchhiker hair - Lainey Gossip

Ashlee Simpson's chin looks like it's made out of silly putty - Cityrag

Big shock! Jude Law has got the memory of a big whore - ICYDK

This is how The Weasel is trying to become relevant - Popeater

And the Honorary Oscar of 2010 goes to...SHILOH! - Celebitchy

GISELE BUNDCHEN ISN'T PREGNANT, SHE'S JUST A FAT MAN-STEALING BITCH (Disclaimer: Bridget Moynahan wrote that) - Hollywood Rag

Aubrey O'Day working her baby head cleavage - Popoholic

Kanye West and Susan Powter walk the stroll - Socialite Life

I know, I know, but I had to. It was lying there, glistening in the light, just begging me to pluck it. It was too easy. And by the by, this was one of UsWeekly's top stories today. I love it. TGIF!

Let's see, if you want two hot pieces to follow you around wherever you go, you have to do the following: sell your soul to the devil so you can age 300 years without dying, get a vampire/zombie hybrid to turn you, get a job making millions of dollars selling overpriced shit and dress like an old-timey piano player who happens to be a major Cher fan. Hmmm. Seems easy. I better get to work!

Here's the Crypt Keeper of FABULOUSNESS with two walking sex sticks in St. Tropez yesterday.

I'm sure that while they were filming Interview with a Vampire, Tommy Girl snuck into Brad Pitt's trailer one day while he was taking a long stoner nap and cut a lock of his dick bush so that he could rub it against his glazed b-hole every chance he got. Well, that lock of pubies will be going into the fire, because Brad Pitt is talking trash about Tommy's fine work!

In an interview with the German magazine Stern (via People), Brad Pitt said that Inglourious Basterds is the greatest Nazi movie of all-time, "The second World War could still deliver more stories and films, but I believe that Quentin put a cover on that pot. With Basterds, everything than can be said to this genre has been said. The film destroys every symbol. The work is done, end of story."

I haven't seen Basterds, but judging by the trailer, it looks like the only thing this movie destroys is the Southern accent. Brad Pitt makes Anna Paquin (aka "Sookeh Iz Mahn") sound like she was born in a giant bowl of grits floating in the Bayou.

And when asked about Tommy Girl's Valkyrie, Brad Pitt went there, "It was a ridiculous movie."

Yes, Brad, because you as a baby suffering from Ali Lohan syndrome wasn't all sorts of ridiculous? Really, Brad, really? In the battle of ridiculousness, I don't what was more ridiculous: Brad Pitt as a pepaw toddler or Tommy Girl's poodle hair. It's a toss-up.

This headline wrapped me in a pink faux-fur throw, handed me a glass of pink champagne in a pink crystal flute and whispered the lyrics of Brit Brit's "I Was Born To Make You Happy" in between blowing pink bubbles in my face. This is exactly why I spend 99.9999% of my day skipping through the internet. I feel like I've just won Mega Millions.

But pink fluffiness aside, this is a serious and sad story! A dog friend is missing! Brian Dortort of Wilton Manors, FL said that he was at a gay bar called Georgie's Alibi (no-no explosion #1) with his pet chihuahua Hudson Hayward Hemingway (no-no explosion #2), when a man with Britney Spears' name tattooed on his arm or neck (no-no explosion #3) asked if he could hold the dog. When Brian turned around, HHH was gone along with his carrying case (no-no explosion #4)

Brian is asking for the public's help to find little Hudson Hayward Hemingway! Brian says HHH is a 4-month-old Chihuahua about the size of a softball, light-cream colored with a pink belly, pink ears and pink earrings (no-no explosion #5,6,7,8,9).

And now while you're searching for Hudson Hayward Hemingway (SPOILER ALERT: he ran the fuck away when he got the chance), I need to chase down the mobile clinic that just left the front of my building, because I think I might be having a seizure.

Source: NBCMiami VIA Buzzfeed

When I downloaded these pictures of White Oprah Sr. in NYC yesterday, my laptop immediately crashed. It knew that there was really nothing more to say about this mess. I mean, not only is LiLo standing in front of a gay bar I once got kicked out of for giving a handjob to some dude wearing a toupee (it was a dark time in my life), but she still looks like a Southeastern lot lizard circa 1987. AND let's not get into the power bottom ass lips on her face or her glittermeister friend's Jackie Collins-approved bedroom slippers. Let's do it like my laptop and shut it all down!