Oh shit. Ryan Jenkins, the contestant from Megan Wants A Millionaire who was accused of murdering his wife, was found in a motel in Hope, British Columbia. The police say Ryan's body was found by motel staff. They believe he offed himself, because his body was found hanging. Ryan was ID'ed through his fingerprints. Ryan's wife had to be identified by the serial number on her implants, because her fingers and teeth were removed.
Ryan was charged with the murder of Jasmine Fiore on August 20th, just 5 days after her body was found stuffed into a suitcase in Buena Park, CA. Ryan was hiding out in Canada after he escaped there by foot from the US.
For the second time in three months, LiLo's Casa de Cokey has been broken into by a bunch of thieves! When she got home from NYC this morning, she found out that some hos had ripped the safe out of the wall and stolen a bunch of watches. Apparently, it was all caught on surveillance video.
LiLo did the first thing you do when you've been robbed, she called Michael Lohan. Probably because she figured his ass did it.
Michael called 911 and then he called TMZ (of course). Michael said he believes it's an inside job, because Blohan's assistants conveniently forgot to turn the security system on. Then Michael said something that proves he's either: a) still on the bad shit b) got the crazies in a serious way c) is just trying to get his daughter to pay his car note or d) all of the above. This is what Michael said, "I am not going to put up with individuals violating my family. Lindsay is a charitable, generous person that always gives. This is a personal violation and it has got to stop." The answer is "D," right?
If by "charitable and generous," he means that she sometimes let's her friends snort a third of her line, then okay. The Saintress of 8 Balls is Lindsay Lohan.
Michael Lohan wasn't the only one who was going to get a little attention from his daughter getting robbed. Nope, White Oprah put on her shiniest shoes and tap danced over to People to sing her statement about the whole thing. White Oprah queefed, "Ali and Linds just left me in New York, and left people in charge to pack, as we are moving her to a safer place. She is okay, but upset."
LiLo needs to find a different surface to do her bad shit off of, because breaking dozens of mirrors has given her centuries of bad luck! But seriously, whoever broke in was probably just stealing their shit back from her.
Those dudes out there who love nothing more than to caress their huevos against a piece of rough weathered leather are in luck! The Real Housewives of Orange County's very own Lynne Curtin might be quitting her husband for good! That's what Radar Online says anyway. Apparently, Lynne isn't happy that they are about to be kicked out of their house for not paying $12,000 and she's blaming it all on her husband Frank.
A source (*cough*Tamra*cough*) said, "Lynne blames Frank for all of their financial problems. She thinks Frank has been hiding the bills from her. Frank doesn't want a divorce but he may not have any choice here.”
IN THIS ECONOMY, Frank's business isn't doing too well and he hasn't really had a job in 2 years. Leather polish doesn't come cheap and Lynne uses gallons of it to keep her hide looking shiny, so she's going to have to find a new wallet to fuck on.
Eff Frank! Lynne doesn't need his ass anyway! You know......since Steven Tyler is out of the game for a little while, Lynne should temporarily take his place so that Aerosmith's tour can go on! Nobody would ever know. All problems solved!
Quick! Put a cork in your fuck hole, because you know it's about to blooooow! You will not be able to contain yourself while gazing at these pictures of the scalding hot adonis that is Mickey Rourke!
You know you're going to eat a giant stuffed roasted chicken dinner tonight with all the fixings. You're going to lick every greasy bone while fantasizing about Mickey's rotisserie tittays. Do not deny it! My no-no lips just crumpled up into my love cave (copyright: Tracy). Although, that might not have anything to do with Mickey. Sometimes my ass lips observe Sundays. Go figure.
Here's Mickey and some piece making the sea creatures bust jizz bombs in Dubrovnik, Croatia.
Milla Jovovich, star of the epic shit show that is Return to the Blue Lagoon, married film director Paul W.S. Anderson (not to be confused with the dude who did Boogie Nights) in Beverly Hills yesterday. The two have been sexing each other up for around 7 years now. They have one 20-month-old daughter they named Ever Gabo, which kinds of sounds like "Forever Gumbo." Gumbo is delicious, so that name works for me. Anyway, this is Milla's third time at the marriage rodeo.
People says that Milla wore a vintage wedding dress and hair decorations you can buy yourself in the napkin ring section at Pier 1 Imports.
Judging by some of the pictures below, it looks like Milla ended her night by passing out face first in the wedding cake with her dress pulled up to her waist. Seriously, drunk brides are the best. If you're a bride, it's your duty to get boozed in a major way. It's what your guests want.
And I hope Milla serenaded her guests with this beautiful tune. I've been known to blast this mess on my iPod. It's like taking an air bath in one of Enya's queefs.
The former Crackie of Camden made a surprise appearance at yesterday's V Festival in England during The Specials' set! During the end of their set, their lead singer Terry Hall threw a few crack rocks on the stage floor and out came Wino! Since she was already there, she decided to pick up a mic and sing a couple of tunes with them! Wino didn't hawk any cokey loogies or bust any bitches in the face, so some say it was a successful performance for her. Personally, my nipples touch the sky every time Wino knocks a skank in the teefs for effing with her during a performance, but I understand that's not the way (but it really is).
Below is a clip of Wino performing with The Specials. This will make every drug dealer in the UK weep a million tears and question whether or not they are in the right business, because Wino actually looks sober-ish.
This performance was so important that even SpongeBob SquarePants traveled all the way from his gay ass Pineapple house to witness this monumental moment! Or maybe he was just there for the smack?
Nileen Namita, The true reincarnation of Queen Nefertiti - 20 years ago, this ravishing crystal gem realized she was Queen Nefertiti in a past life, so she began a long journey to becoming her true self! 49-year-old Nileen spent over £200,000 on 51 plastic surgeries in order to turn herself into the tranny plastic love child of Shelley Duvall and Christina Ricci's infinityhead . NO, in order to turn herself into the Beauty of the Nile!
Let's go over all of Queen Heifertittays surgeries, shall we? It's basically what Pete Burns has done every weekend: 8 nose jobs, 3 chin implants, 1 eyebrow lift, 3 facelifts, 6 mini-facelifts, 2 lip surgeries, 5 eye surgeries and 20 other minor tweaks. Strangely enough, I don't see any mention of a brain transplant or forehead extension. Hmm.
Queen Heifertittays says she isn't done fucking up with her face just yet, but she is happy with the way she looks now. She told the Daily Mail, "No one believes I am almost 50 years old and have had three children because my body and face look as through I am only 25." And with that, let's all get on our knees and worship the QUEEN OF DENIAL!!!!
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