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Before we start, the true beauty all the way to the right owns this picture and she knows it. Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to messy ass Melanie Griffith.

Melanie's rep tells Star Magazine that she has shuffled off to Lindsay Lohan's old snorting grounds, Cirque Lodge in Utah. Melanie's rep is trying to pass it off like some kind of tune-up. Dude farted in our eyes when he said, "She is there to reinforce her commitment to stay healthy. This is part of a routine plan that was designed between her and her doctors years ago."

But a source close to Melanie claims Antonio Banderas threatened to quit her ass if she didn't quickly back away from the bottle. Those are fightin' words! The source said, "The reason Melanie checked in was her husband was demanding that she get clean and sober. He told her that if she didn't get the help she needed it would be the end of their marriage."

Another source added that Antonio is holding her hand as she tries to get the bad shit demon off her back, "Melanie's struggling right now, but Antonio has been checking in on her as much as he is allowed, making sure she gets back on her feet."

You know, if I had to choose between Antonio Banderas' peen and booze, I'd probably choose the wang too. I mean, a bottle of Jack isn't going to make that pussay pop. Well, unless you put a little lube on the end of the bottle and... Okay, I'll stop.

Heidi Montag on who she looks up to:

"I grew up watching Britney Spears. That’s someone I inspire to be, you know, like, career wise. I think the world is ready for the next pop star and I’m ready to be the next pop galaxy, so here we go.”

In the words of Heidi's long-lost, prettier twin sister Chrissy Crocker: "LEEEEEEAVE BRITNEY ALOOOOONE!!!"

And what in the name of Spencer Pratt's butt tampon is she talking about? Heidi should inspire (we're speaking her language) to have at least one working brain cell before she goes off making such big plans.

VIA Access Hollywood

Shit just got real. The L.A. County Coroner has ruled Michael Jackson's death a homicide. The L.A. Times reports that a search warrant filed in Houston states that after an autopsy was conducted, deadly amounts of of the anesthetic propofol were found in Michael's body. This means that Michael's doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray, will most likely face criminal charges.

Dr. Con had admitted to detectives that he gave Michael 50 milligrams of propofol every day. Dr. Con also said he was afraid Michael was starting to get addicted to the shit, so he tried to wean him off. Dr. Con?! More like Dr. Obvious!

Dr. Con lowered the dosage to 25 milligrams, but also mixed in a little lorazepam and midazolam.

On the morning of Michael's death, Dr. Con said he tried to get him to sleep without using propofol, so he gave him a valium at 1:30. When that didn't work, he gave him a shot of lorazepam thirty minutes later. And when that didn't work, he gave him a shot of midazolam thirty minutes after that. As the hours went by, Dr. Con kept feeding Michael various drugs, but nothing was working. At 10:40am, Michael demanded that Dr. Con give him a shot of propofol. Dr. Con gave in. After he gave him the propofol, he went to the bathroom. When he came back 2 minutes later, Michael was not breathing.

The cops found 8 bottles of propfol in Michael's home, but none of it traces back to Dr. Con. They aren't sure who purchased it or where. Other pills and vials found in Michael's house were prescribed by various doctors including Dr. Con, Dr. Arnold Klein and Dr. Allan Metzger.

All I can say is that...LA TOYA JACKSON WAS RIGHT!!! We should never ever doubt anything she says ever again! La Toya Jackson knows. Always.

On last night's episode of Police Women of Broward County (love that shit!), I learned a new favorite excuse. It all started when Officer Paltrow O'Day Manzo rolled up to the front of a convenience store, because she heard some bitches were smoking the good shit. When she checked one of the ladies, who we'll call Mary McTittyWeed, a bit of heaven's weed fell out of her bra. CAUGHT. Or was she?

Mary played that "huh...wha...how" shit. Then Mary confirmed to all of us that she's the genius of all geniuses with an IQ of over ten zillion when she said that the wind must have blew the weed into her bra! THIS BITCH! Mary said she was hanging out with her sister-in-law, who was smoking weed, and her stash must've taken the wind express right into her bubby area. Unfortunately, the cops didn't buy it after finding another stash in her purse and they took her to the jail house. Mary was totally telling the truth. The wind should have been arrested, not her.

The "wind" excuse will work for almost any situation. Let's say you get caught sucking a peen belonging to your best friend's man. Just say, "Oh, I was gazing at the beautiful stars above with my mouth open and the wind blew his dick into my mouth." See, it works!

One of Beyonce's former wig holders performed at the Miss Universe pageant last night and someone snatched the W from her name in the opening credits! It's RoWland, not Roland! Hmmmm...I smell moth balls and wet cardboard. Basement Baby, how could you?! Daddy Knowles put her up to this! He made her break into the Miss Universe Pageant control room and eff up Kelly's good name! Always trying to keep her down. That "w" belongs to Beyonce now. Beywonce.

But seriously, if this ever happened to Beyonce, Daddy Knowles would pull every plug in the building and throw Donald Trump's cotton candy toupee into the fire.

And if you care, here's Kelly performing during the "evening gown" portion of the pageant. Actually, don't care, because it was terrible.

This B+ director is known around Hollywood as King Peen. The nickname comes from one of his movies and also because he has what has been judged to be the biggest peen in town. He is happy to show it to anyone. Not in a sexual way but as kind of like a Ripley's situation. (CDAN)

The only way to know for sure is if you run into Paul Thomas Anderson (director of Boogie Nights) ask to his wang. If he punches you in the teefs, move on to Bobby Farrelly (co-director of Kingpin) and ask him the same question. If he kicks you in the crotch bone, then try Terry Gilliam (director of The Fisher King). And then David O. Russell (director of Three Kings) and so on and so forth. We can't stop until the ginormopeen has been found!

This former A list movie actress has a nickname of Deputy Dawg. Yes, spelled like that. She got the nickname because of a movie she was in which featured police. Oh, and the dawg part came because as she made her way through cast and crew sleeping with them she would bark like a dog during sex. The name stuck. (CDAN)

Star of Police Academy 4, Sharon Stone? The cougar barks!

This very large, former A list television actor and now movie actor got his nickname Flash because he likes nothing more than to wear boxers around the set and makes sure his fly always stays open. (CDAN)

James Gandolfini? And it's gross that this made me percolate. I need to be cleansed!

Which reality TV women party so hard every night that reporters gripe the ladies don't get out of bed to do phone interviews in the day? (Page Six)

The Police Women of Broward County, of course. Durr.

My second favorite magnificent chichi owner (next to Queen Aretha) Jennifer Tilly and her built-in flotation devices - Hollywood Tuna

Zac Efron, is that a mini-concealer stick in your sweats or are you just happy to see us? - Popsugar

After the whole Lady CaCa fiasco, Katy Perry is just making sure nothing's falling out - Egotastic!

I'm so ashamed, because my slut gene tingles for Wilmer Fucking Valderrama. Sucioness - Just Jared

Wino & Dreamy: Together again (and no crack pipes were harmed) - Holy Moly!

We're doomed: These two douchebags are actually going to be parents (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Amy Phillips does Chupa better than Chupa does Chupa - Cityrag

Sookeh and Beehl Compton go flying - Lainey Gossip

X-Factor's newest sensation like the peen and the puss - Towleroad

CoCo is BOoty Derek - Hollywood Rag

This is what Linda Hogan looks like when she doesn't shave - SOW

News you can lose: Cindy Crawford has cellulite - I'm Not Obsessed

Eddie Cibrian's wife is still talking - ICYDK

Nahla Aubry is smarter than me - Socialite Life

THE ALIENS WON: Brad Pitt claims he never slammed Tommy Girl's masterqueef of a movie - Popeater

Skeezemeister Michael Bay directs a new Victoria's Secret commercial. Of course - Popoholic

I'd rather see Susan Boyle play Robin Williams - Celebitchy

Another day, another pictures of Becks with his nipples out - Popbytes

(Image: Fame)

Birthdays: Everyday!
Ages: Ageless
Birth Names: Dashaun Williams, Devon Webster, Malechi Williams, Leiomy Maldonado and Jorel Rios

Original Date of HS of the Day: August 18, 2009
Claim to Fame: Vogue Evolution has been throwing the glitter around in the underground "vogue ball" scene in NYC and now they are taking their magic to the mainstream by performing every week on MTV's America's Best Dance Crew.

Where are they now? SPOILER ALERT! During last night's episode, VE was voted on to the next'round. Don't expect to unclench your glazed b-hole just yet, because these hos are going all the way to the top (not that kind of top).

Why are they HS of the Week? Because it's about time the Glittery Gays of the World get their due in the spotlight. Tommy Girl doesn't count! Below is VE's performance last night for the martial arts challenge. This is some Crouching Titties, Hidden Peen shit!

At yesterday's V Festival, Lily Allen showed off her surfboard tittays by wearing an ensemble fit for a Hunts Point vagina vendor. It's Hookerpatra!

Yes, most toddlers have bigger chichis than Lily, but slutwear is for everybody! It really is. If you've got a massive "gut over bagina," throw some mesh on it and hit the streets. If you've got three ass cheeks, stuff 'em into some spandex and call it a day. And if you're like Lily and you've got bubbies the size of lentil been seeds, then throw on a bodysuit you found in Frederick's training bra section and git it!

HO SHIT: It's everyone's right (sarcasm).

The rumors about Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston doing lovey dovey stuff together off-camera just won't die! Last month, Gerry shot down the whispers by saying he wasn't a chinny chaser. Or something. Well, now People is saying that Gerry and Jenny got all touchy with each other in NYC on Saturday night.

One source said that the big dudeslut and the eternal cat lady started out their night by having dinner at Freeman's on the Lower East Side. After they finished there, they farted on over to the lounge at The Jane Hotel where "witnesses" say they were "holding hands." What the witnesses didn't say is that both Jenny and Gerry's pr whores were on either side of them holding a pistol to their heads while screaming "HOLD HANDS NOW!" I mean, she has a movie coming out, he has a movie coming out, they are filming a movie together...it all works out!

I refuse to believe that a huge whore like Gerry holds hands in a bar. That's a little too sweet for his ass. Sluts don't hold hands, they hold genitals and tittays. So, all publicists involved need to hold a pow wow over a bong and try again.

Here's Gerry and Jenny on the neverending shoot for The Bounty in NYC today.