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Hollywood has been trying to eff with Heathers for a while now. Winona Ryder was yapping about a sequel for a long time, then there was talks about a remake and now comes the worst idea of all worst ideas. Heathers: THE TV SHOW! This is obviously Hollywood's way of fucking us slowly with a chainsaw.

Variety brings us the bad news. They report that Mark Rizzo and Jenny Bicks (a writer from Sex and the City) are working together on this crap. They plan to update it and bring back all the characters from the movie. The casting alone is making me vommy. They are totally going to destroy us all by casting Ashley Jizzdale, Tater Head Willis, that Kristin Calamari chick from The Hills, the Miss Lolitas and one of the Jonas hos.

Can we just declare Heathers a historical site, which means evil bitches can't renovate it or fuck with its foundation? If that's not possible, somebody pour chocolate syrup all over Heathers: The TV Show and tell Martha Dumptruck dessert is served!

Celestia, the rightful Queen of Planet CRAZY, trashed her ex-husband Coley Laffoon on Letterman last night and now he's responding. And he's really really sad-faced about it!

Coley, who you know was wearing a pair of pajamas he had on for 3 days straight, told UsWeekly, "After coming home from showing two different clients two different condominiums, I was disturbed to see Anne taking out her personal frustration on the father of her child on national television."

HA. HA. And HA. I love how he's making sure we know he has some kind of job and isn't sitting around waiting for the mailman to stroll up with another check from Anne. I mean, you know he was really trying to beat the last level on Fallout 3. Which is totally a full-time job in itself.

Coley also responded to Anne on his Facebook page, "I wish Anne Heche could see that public bullying isn't good for the soul or positive for her child. It's mean."

Coley should've just echoed what the majority has already said about Anne by issuing this statement: "CRAZY BITCH." It's simple, to the point and doesn't take a lot of keystrokes. Then Coley could have gone back to making skidmarks and organizing his animal crackers by species.

Everyone is hurting their hands these days! First there was Shia LaDouche, then Malcolm in the Middle, and now George Clooney! Obviously, hos in Hollywood need to invest in the Male Machine. Jerk that junk without the risk!

So, George's rep tells People that he wrecked up his hand in an accident in Italy, "There was an accident and he did break his hand. He was not riding a motorcycle, it was not in Switzerland ... He was on his property in Italy and he shut the car door on his hand."

Shut the car door on his hand? Is that what we're calling it these days? It's okay, George. Sometimes a bitch loses their balance and falls off the bed, taking your fist with them. It happens. Next time, do your fisting stuff on a hard, sturdy surface. Hopefully, the other bitch's ass made it out without a scratch.

George's rep added that he got treatment in Switzerland and is doing FINE now, "The doctor has given him 30-40 years more to live, and no live animals were harmed during the wrapping of the hand. The only reason he went to the hospital was to get a temporary cast put on."

Oh, we've got a fucking hot one here! It looks like Groucho Marx was reincarnated as George's spokeswhore!

Last week, there was a mind-boggling important story about Brangie buying gerbils in France for their chirruns. Yeah, I know you already tattooed that story to the inside of your brain, so you can remember it for all time and forever. It's that important. Well, a week later, here's the pictures and they are equally (if not more) important! Go ahead and cancel your plans for the rest of the day, so you can print out all these pictures out and put them in your family album. That's not funny, because you know some Brangaloonies do that.

Why does Brad continue to dress like a pepaw mechanic who cleaned up real swell to go have dinner at the Sizzler? And why is Saint Angelina wearing a dress made from a saloon lamp in my grandma's "fancy" living room?

And in the last thumbnail, those gerbils don't look that excited about the possibility of being adopted by the chosen ones. They probably aren't looking forward to spending the rest of their days wearing all-black.

Early this morning on Twitter, John Mayer challenged Harvey Levin and TMZ to track down his mug shot from when he was arrested for driving with a suspended license in Georgia in 2001. John offered up $25,000 to TMZ's charity of choice if they could deliver it on a platter.

The Smoking Gun also heard John's call for attention and posted the goods a few minutes before TMZ did. Now they are both scratching and shaking at each other over John's $25k reward. Oh, John, just don't bleach your asshole for one whole month and give them both the money.

Even in his mug shot (which looks like the before picture in a Proactiv commercial), John Mayer has to try to finger bang a bitch with his eyes.

Last night in Bucharest, Vadge got booed. For some of you, that little tidbit might be enough to keep you smiling in the soul for the rest of the day. So go with it. For the rest of you, Vadge got booed, because she told Romania that they need to stop discriminating against gays and gypsies. Tramps and thieves are still okay, I think.

Anyway, not everyone was loving Vadge's words and some showered her with boos. They need to watch out, because Madonna is bumping it with Baby Jesus! Baby Jesus could destroy them all with his sexyfaces and killer poses.

Speaking of Baby Jesus, whoever booed at Vadge should've saved it for this audacity below. In case you haven't seen it, here's a 15-second preview for Vadge's new video "Celebration" featuring Baby Jesus and Paul Oakenfold. At first, I booed, then I laughed, then I dry heaved, and then I don't really remember what happened after that. Paul Oakenfold's moves did not agree with my stomach. They should stamp a surgeon general's warning on this shit.

VIA MTV

Excuse Their Beauty: My new favorite blog and also my new favorite site to get fashion tips from - People of Walmart (via Buzzfeed)

One of LiLo's used dirty q-tips or Jenna Jameson? - Hollywood Tuna

MK Olsen needs a Sharpie - Popsugar

What in the Forces of Nature Hell is that on Sandra Bullock's body? - Lainey Gossip

Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are halfway hugging, which totally means they are getting married and having triplets - Just Jared

Divine is laughing from heaven at this - Towleroad

RiRi continuing to wear outfits she stole from Jordan Knight's glass closet (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ginger Spice is looking hot - Egotastic!

Tori Amos is my kind - Hollywood Rag

Duh - ICYDK

If you want to fuck Tony Romo just become friends with his girlfriend - Celebitchy

The Seinfeld hos reunite on EW - I'm Not Obsessed

Well, at least Tater's dress is pretty. Not really, I'm just trying to be nice here - Socialite Life

Mickey Rourke looking super sessy as usual - Holy Moly!

When noobs take over - Cityrag

QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: My ass has to run to the free clinic (see this post), so I'll be out for a quick minute. I'll be back later this afternooooooon.

Who was photographed at LAX yesterday wearing a t-shirt made out of Jon Gosselin's pubic hair and the butt dingles of a dozen d-bags? The answer is after the jump. This hurts. JUMP!