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No, no, no, no, no....I'm not talking about the artist currently known as RiRi. I'm talking about the glittery gold goddess behind her! Homegirl is like a sexier, fresher, hotter version of Brooke Hogan! You know, if Brooke Hogan took her estrogen pills every day the way she's supposed to! The gold goddess is getting it. Even RiRi had to put on her sunglasses, because her eyes couldn't take the sunshiney rays beaming off of the gold beauty.

Here's Alien Princess RiRi with her little brother and the gold goddess outside of The Lion King on Broadway last night. RiRi styled her hair like Zazu just for the occasion. And apparently, the paps told RiRi about DJ AM's death, so that why she looks so shocked. Yes, the paps are the new Twitter.

On Thursday night in Los Angeles, a discarded tampon and a pre-owned butt plug got into a fight at Guys and Dolls nightclub. We've already heard Brody Jenner's version of the douche battle royale and now here's Joe Francis'.

Joe tells E! News that contrary to Brody's version, he never delivered a massive beat down on Jayde Nicole. Joe said that he was minding his own business when Jayde pushed at him and threw her drink all over him. Joe said he might of "accidentally" pulled her hair when he turned around to confront her, but never punched her in the face or kicked her. The next thing Joe knew, Brody was beating his ass and ripping his shirt off. For some reason, that last part didn't make my b-lips tingle. It made them wrinkle up even more.

Joe said that the security tapes will show what really happened, "I'm the victim. Brody hit me in the face. I've never hit a girl in my life and the accusation disgusts me." Then Joe said that Brody has a million issues including having "smallest penis in Hollywood." This coming from one of the biggest DICKHEAD in Hollywood.

In Brody's defense, Joe does have a face that was produced by Everlast, because you just want to punch it. I'm sure that most of you are sitting on your fists right now (use lube) to keep from punching your monitor. It's a natural reaction to seeing Joe's butt plug of a face.

As for Brody having the tiniest peen rod in all the land, bring us proof, Joe! We know you have a giant picture of it hanging in front of your dildo chair.

Noel Gallagher packed up his ego (in 3 dozen trunks and 25 refrigerator boxes) and walked out on Oasis last night and he claims this is the end of the end.

Oasis was supposed to play the Rock en Siene festival in Paris last night, but a few minutes before, the crowd was told that the show was canceled due to an "altercation" with the band members. That altercation turned out to be a cunt battle between Noel and Liam. Yeah, squeeze your ass cheeks and try to feel surprised.

The Sun says that one of their regular fights turned into a an all-out bitch war ending with Liam smashing one of Noel's guitars. That was Noel's cue to exit Liam's LIFE. Noel didn't miss one beat and quickly posted this little queef-covered statement on Oasis' website (I guess they didn't lock his ass out yet):

"It's with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight. People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer."

Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan."

And this is how Liam feels about it all:

I think it's safe to say that we all co-sign that response.

Mischief the cursing cat (not verified) of Australia - Robert 'RJ' Duncan of the Northern Territory of Australia claims his cat has a Dlisted-approved vocabulary. According to Robert, Mischief can say up to seven words: mum, no, now, what, why, fuck and prick yet. Robert says that Mischief has been known to call him a "fucking prick" on many occasions.

Robert, who might be on the wrong stuff, said, "He can't say 'dad' yet, which is a bit of a prick. That's how he got the word 'prick' I reckon, because I say it a lot. In the evening time, if you don't drop whatever you're doing and pay attention to him, he calls you 'fucking prick'. If he really cracks the sh-ts, he'll piss in his drinking water just to let you know he's really shitty."

But when the Northern Territory News arrived so that Mischief could curse them the hell out, the puss wasn't say shit. On a second visit, Robert got Mischief to say "mum." Yeah, so Robert could be pulling all of our dicks (and probably is), but even a story about a swearing pussy works for me. I'm easy.

A Professor of Pussy in Australia is giving a side-eye to Robert's claims and thinks something in the milk ain't clean, "Cats don't engage the lips and tongue in the way a human does, which is needed to make consonants. I find it very hard to believe — their mouths aren't that mobile. How does a cat say a 'p', anatomically? I don't think it's possible."

If Mischief really can curse a trick out, then all we need to do is teach him the "cunt" word and he can be Dlisted's official spokespuss!

(For Amanda)

Today would have been Michael Jackson's 51st birfday, so join Bubbles and Detective La Toya by raising a glass of (insert your sweet nectar of choice here) to him!

And the rest of today's Birthday Sluts are:

Carla Gugino (38)
Meshell Ndegeocello (41)
Frances Ruffelle (44)
Rebecca De Mornay (47)
Mark Morris (52)
Robin Leach (68)
Joel Schumacher (70)
Elliot Gould (71)
William Friedkin (74)
Richard Attenborough (86)