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"Where is God when you need him, because this does not make sense." - Paula Abdul

Quick! Fill the bath tub with Paula Abdul's CODE BLUE cocktail (everything in the medicine cabinet and Diet Pepsi), because my world has just shattered! Paula Abdul announced on her Twatter that American Idol will lose its brightest (aka craziest) star. These are the tearful words Paula wrote:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon. What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me. It truly has been breathtaking, especially over the past month.

American Idol, we're fucking done professionally! How dare they kick Paula to the gutter (where she will probably find a few lude pills - SCORE FOR HER), but keep that useless flap of skin Kara DioYOUKILLEDPAULA! SCRAGS BITCHES! This is a travesty! And where was Simon in all of this?! While he was soaking his tittays in a bowl of cocoa butter, Paula was getting pink-slipped! All he had to do was give up his tight t-shirt budget, so they could give Paula a few more coins. Damn all of them!

It's like I'm blowin' morphine-covered kisses in the wind and Paula isn't there to catch them anymore. Sads.

OK! Magazine asked the keeper of the unicorn forest what he looks for in a lady friend:

"I like people being forward. Gosh, I don’t know. I like strong people, chiseled abs… I don’t know, I take what I can get!"

And with that, every Ab Roller and wet vac (for DIY lipo) on this planet just sold out! Just picture thousands of crazed Twitards burping out their lungs after doing a dozen crunches with a cardboard cutout of Edward in front of them for motivation. The most exercise they do on a daily basis is a few vagina bounces while watching Twilight in slow motion. RPattz is single-handedly curing teenage fopa!

Right before his death Michael Jackson was working on a clothing line with of all people, clothier to douchebags Christian Audigier. Last night, La Toya Jackson took a break from getting to the bottom of EVERYTHING to have dinner with Christian at Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills. Does this mean that a La Toya Jackson clothing line is upon us?! REJOICE! Just from peeping at La Toya's elegant ensemble, I know shis is good news. The world needs a clothing line for Barstow pussy peddlers turned Reno strippers turned Texas trophy wives turned Boca retirees.

If you're ever feeling brave enough to ask Method Man for an autograph, you better strap a bullet-proof vest over your chest, pray to the Three Wolf Moon and have your best running shoes on, because you may get shot at. TMZ says that a woman in Houston is suing Method Man for shooting her with an air gun when she asked him for an autograph after a show in November 2008. LOL.

Mary Anderson said that after she tried to get Method Man to sign something for her, he whipped out an air gun and started firing pellets. Mary says she was hit around six times. Okay, I've never been shot with an air gun, but I'm guessing it hurts more than when the dick misses the hole. That means it hurts A LOT. And Mary, if someone keeps shooting at your ass, that's your cue to ruuuuuuuuun.

(Read this in a Jackee Harry voice, because it's the only way) Maaaary is suing for money. Of course.

Isn't Method Man a stoner of epic proportions? Shouldn't he be hugging on everyone and asking them if they are carrying any Fritos on their persons? Dude must have had the wrong stuff in his bong.

Candy Spelling needs a shot of Lithium in her tongue, because she is bipolar as fuck. Last week, Candy sent off an open rant to TMZ about how Tori is a middle-aged reality TV whore blah blah blah oink blahz snort blahz. TMZ must have stopped returning her cries of crazy, because this week, she ran off to USA Today and had this message for her daughter: "I love you, and I always will." Candy, do not drag Dolly Parton into your mess!

Candy went on to yap that she wrote the letter to TMZ, because she didn't like how she was portrayed on Tori's reality show. Candy also said why she never talks to Tori, "My daughter doesn't like the telephone. She doesn't answer. I text her. I have left messages. I've looked for her at the trough. I've e-mailed her, and she doesn't respond." And she went on, "It could be years of disappointment. Maybe someday she'll get it. She's my daughter. I may not approve of everything she does, but I love her." And on..... "They (her grandchildren) are living a different life than my children lived as they grew up, and I wanted them to know some of how their mother grew up, and some of our wonderful memories."

Does Candy ever shut the dick up? Tori can't talk to her mother, because every time she opens her mouth to say something, Candy probably starts yammering on and on and on.... No wonder the Spellings had like a million rooms in their houses. It was so the entire family could escape Candy's constant yammering. Someone put an apple in her mouth already! LUAU

And why should Tori bother picking up the phone when she's going to read about it in Life & Style, the PennySaver, Craigslist, her fortune cookie etc... etc... etc.....

Image: Fayes Vision/Wenn.com

Katie Price's road runner vagina moves fast. Bitch has only been separated from Peter Andre for a quick minute and she's already got herself a new regular piece. I'm not even mad at her. Dick is like oxygen to us sluts! A day without a dick is like a day without sunshine (or fake tan diarrhea in Katie's case).

Katie confirmed to OK! (via The Sun) that she's bumping bits with cage fighter Alex Reid. Yeah, he fights in cages for a living which is why his face looks like Harvey Price's personal trampoline. Only a face like that can truly handle Katie's labia lips.

Katie said, "Everyone I get photographed with at the moment I'm supposedly sleeping with! But I can confirm I'm seeing Alex Reid and no one else. I wasn't seeing him or texting him while I was with Pete. I didn't know him then - I've only been going to the fight school since the break-up. That's all I'm saying about him for now."

A few days ago, Katie and Hammer Face flew off to Spain together for a little frolicking and fucking. Hopefully, they also relaxed by soaking in a hot tub filled with bleach and OxiClean (Billy Mays Nevah Forget). Katie and Alex both looks like the almost rotten tangerine I found in the back of my fridge when I was moving. LAWD. Bitch, looking like an Oompa Loompa's dehydrated butt nugget is never cute.

It's that time of the month! No, not THAT time of the month. Although, voting for this shit is kind of like getting your menstrual cycle. Don't make me list the similarities. Anyway, please take a moment from devouring your free lava cake AND TACOS to cast your vote for Miss Hot Slut of July! This time around, we have a former drunk, someone who always has drunk face, a current drunk and a pussy who acts drunk. Here are your finalists:

Jane Velez-Mitchell - Gayelle news anchor and lady mullet fan
Miko Brando - Son of Marlon, MJ's former bodyguard/bff and Hawaiian shirt fetishist
Sandra Lee - Grocery store shopper, cocktail guzzler and tablescape artist
Maru - Internet star, box lover and catrobat

Voting is in the sidebar to the right. The winning slut will be crowned on Thursday!

VINTAGE PEEN: In case you've never seen it, here's Joe DiMaggio's tiny little "squint to see it" bat - (NSFW) OMG or The Daily Beast

The MTV VMA Nominations are full of CaCa - Idolator

JLove is still in her bikini and playing tennis while wearing wedge heels. No, this has not been staged. Not at all. - Egotastic!

4 words you love to hear after lunch: Brit Brit's butt sweat - Cityrag

Mayor Stu has been told to cover up the sexy for good - Towleroad

Kewpie Doll camel toe - Hollywood Tuna

Tater, Ass and Demi - Just Jared

James Franco and Julia Roberts are bored - Lainey Gossip

What Bradley Cooper's rep meant to say is, "Ewww! Like Bradley likes vagina. As if!" - Popsugar

Gretchen from The Really Plastic Housewives of OC looks like she's still in mourning (and still wearing her ring too) (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Can we please never put the words "Lady GaGa," "Alexander Skarsgard" and "KISS" in the same sentence again? My soul and stomach can't take it! - Socialite Life

That bag of dicks (don't make me get specific) from Laguna Beach still exists - ICYDK

Pepaw Jack's dance moves are sponsored by Viagra - SOW

John Mayer wants to be the next Eddie Murphy - I'm Not Obsessed

Brad Pitt joking about being miserable is really uncool, but I love his purdy fancy ladyring - Celebitchy

Channing Tatum looks like HoHan sneezed all over his face - Popbytes

Griffin and Ryan both need to drink a piping hot cup of STFU - Hollywood Rag

Gerard Butler was attacked by a crazed horny fanlady outside of his hotel in London yesterday and he loved it. Gerry was probably hypnotized by her gorgeous cricket leg eyebrows! Or maybe her chichis, because Gerry loooves chichis. Gerry loves chichis so much that it gives him the sads that he can't tell you how beautiful your breastes are.

Gerry said, "We've taken something as simple as sexual attraction, something that's in our DNA, that's basic to society, and turned it into something complicated. We've made the rules we must abide by that make it difficult to connect with each other. If a woman has great breasts, I'd love to tell her so. But in polite society, you can't do that. Which is a shame."

Oh, Gerry. I'm not a woman (DON'T SAY IT) and my titties are only training-bra size, but you can compliment them anytime you want. You can even touch them, flick at them or slap them with your peen. My chesticles are your own personal Motel 6: open 24 hours and here for you! The woman below feels the same. Obvi.

If you enjoy almost coughing up your heart out of sheer fear while crossing your living room mantle to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, then this is the product JUST FOR YOU! A company called Cremation FAIL Solutions has started selling urns that look exactly like the head of your dead loved one or "your favorite celebrity." The creepiness is made using one or two photographs. It comes in full-sized and keepsake-sized.

Personally, I think they should market this shit as not only a holder for human body ashes. I mean, they can also sell a Jon Gosselin condom jar and a Fishsticks Paltrow barf bin!

VIA Metro