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Naomi Campbell left a costume party in Ponzo, Italy last night dressed like Pocabeatyoass and looking like she wanted to scalp a bitch! When Naomi gives bitchface, you better either get on your knees and pray or call 911. Every Blackberry within a 1-mile vicinity shut down.

Naomi was at the party with her hot ass billionaire boyfriend Vladimir Doronin. You know, dude must love it when Naomi whoops his nutsack with her Blackberry and scratches at his ass lips with her nails, because I don't know how it's possible that they've been together this long. Vladimir is into beat n' boning and Naomi is into hardcore money. It's the secret to their success!

Daaaaamn! So Billy Mays' autopsy report just came out and the stuff found in his system reads like Lindsay Lohan's grocery list. TMZ says the following drugs were detected in his system: Vicodin, Oxycodone, Xanax, Valium, benzoylecgonine (byproduct of cocaine) and temazepam (anti-anxiety). They also found booze.

The Hillsborough County medical examiner's office said Billy died from heart disease, but cocaine was a contributing cause of death. The report added that Billy used the bad shit a few days before his death, but not immediately prior.

Billy was taking the prescription painkillers for hip pain. The medical examiner said that it didn't look like Billy was a pill head, because he was taking the correct amount of drugs and wasn't abusing.

And here I was thinking Billy's crazy energy was au naturale. I probably though that because every time I watched him on TV I was stoned, so I couldn't see the signs clearly.

UPDATE: Billy Mays' widow just released a statement and she is pissed about the medical examiner's office releasing a preliminary report:

"We are extremely disappointed by the press release released by the Hillsborough County medical examiner's office. We believe it contains speculative conclusions that are frankly unnecessary and tend to obscure the conclusion that Billy suffered from chronic, untreated hypertension, which only demonstrates how important it is to regularly monitor one's health.

Given the hectic nature and pace of Billy's life, especially during the past 10 months of his exhaustive travel across the country, it was not surprising to hear that hypertension was the cause of his death. We were totally unaware of any non prescription drug usage and are actively considering an independent evaluation of the autopsy
results.

As those who were close to Billy knew, he had been in chronic pain for more than two years and was about to have his third hip surgery in 18 months. His use of prescription pain medication for his hip condition was guided by his physician and was at recommended usage levels. This has been a very difficult period for our family and we appreciate the respect for our privacy that Billy's many clients, fans and members of the media have extended. We appreciate your continued thoughts and prayers for the family and will not have any immediate comment beyond this statement."

And here we have Eric Dane with his chesticles out in Los Angeles yesterday. Ignore some of those douche-approved tattoos, they are for a movie role. Eric plays a football player in that Valentine's Day shit. That's the movie EVERYONE and their fuck time partner is in. Seriously, check your cell phone and I'm sure you'll have a message from the producers telling your ass to report to set tomorrow. The only ho not in that movie is Katherine Hagel's annoying ass, because they wouldn't pay her ass enough. THAT BITCH has the audacity.

You know, Katherine Hagel can be a total no-no killer. It's hard for me to get the tingles over these pictures of Eric, because I'm picturing Katherine's head floating around him with a ciggie hanging around him. I have to hold a nicotine patch up to the screen for her to go away. The same goes for Gerry Butler. Whenever I see pictures of him, Katherine's face pops up cackling at me! If she ever works with Mah Boo Anderson Cooper, I'm totally totally dry fucked.

Orly Taitz gets remixed - Towleroad

Whitney Port strips down to her bra in the Central Park and she's still as exciting as a piece of boiled turnip - Egotastic!

Joana Krupa knows the meaning of elegance - Hollywood Tuna

Nicole Richie has been pregnant for like fifty centuries at least - Just Jared

Amber Rose is still on payroll - Lainey Gossip

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long dry humping on and off screen - Popsugar

Posh's former image stalker overdosed - Holy Moly!

Maybe Sookeh Sackhouse works part-time as a decoy on To Catch A Predator? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

LiLo is spraying that water bottle the wrong way, because she's the one that needs a shower - Hollywood Rag

Abortion record holder Sherri Shepherd shows off her bathing suit body - Celebitchy

Vanessa Hudgens is wearing clothes - Socialite Life

Daniel Baldwin named his new babeh after a car rental place - ICYDK

Elle Magazine learned the hard way - I'm Not Obsessed

I don't know whether to salivate or yack - Cityrag

Remember Fred and Sharon? I mean, how could you forget? They improved your life with a video movie. And now the two masters of Canadian video movie art have returned to improve Jennifer Aniston's love life by offering some advice. Jennifer Aniston needs to immediately clear out her fake nursery and move Sharon in to be her personal "professional counselor."

And if you feel like you were just roofied after watching that video. You're not alone. Actually, I think Sharon woke up from a roofie nap before shooting this.

Here's some pictures of Gerard Butler driving Jennifer Aniston to the beach yesterday where they drank wine and laughed a lot.

While watching the Baltimore Ravens training session yesterday, Snoop Dogg made sure that he remained dry and toasty. Do not even question why Snoop Dogg could not hold the umbrella himself. The Dogg just can't. Think about it. What if he was holding his umbrella and a strong gust of wind came through causing his weed hand to jerk and break? How will he hold a joint by himself? How will he light a bong by himself? How will he turn his vaporizer on by himself? Snoop Dogg cannot risk this. We all cannot risk this. If Snoop Dogg couldn't smoke the good shit, the entire marijuana industry would dry up (and not in a good way).

My inbox is really about to stick its head in an oven and commit suicides if it sees the subject "Lady GaGa has a dick" one more time. I was really trying to avoid this, because we've been traumatized enough this Friday and some of us are still a few hours away from Booze & Bong Time. But let's put on our rubber gloves and deal with it!

So, last year, this quote supposedly from Lady CaCa made the rounds:

Its not something that I'm ashamed of, just isn't something that i go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but i consider myself a female. Its just a little bit of a penis and really doesnt interfere much with my life. the reason I haven't talked about it is that its not a big deal to me. like come on. its not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I'm sexy, I'm hot. i have both a poon and a peener. big fucking deal.
- L8d Gaga <3

Well, the probably fake quote is back and has been traveling around the internets again along with the video clip above. At the 1:00 mark, Lady CaCa gets off her bike and flashes what could be fat 'gina, extra-long labia lips, a plastic dildo, a flesh-colored feminine hygiene product (we've been here before) or a real peen. I've tried to examine closely, but the dry heaves got the best of me. I don't know if she's got a permanent dick on her box, but I do know that she's an attention whore who would pull some shit like this to get us all yapping. This much is true.

So, that's that. Now will someone please pass me a pitcher of gin and gasoline. Booze Hour has just been moved up!

P.S. - Jamie Lee Curtis is not amused by any of this!

Meet 25-year-old jail inmate George Vera from Houston. Dude admitted to correctional officers that he hid a gun under his fat rolls before he was checked into the jail house. This was after the officers searched his ass at least 3 times after he was booked. FYI: I'm pretty sure he's a dude, but I don't think you'll find a police officer in the entire land who will want to jump in and confirm this. No takers.

A Houston police official said that they go through training on how to search fatty fat fatties, "We teach officers to lift up and look under. But the officer may not have arrested anyone this big before. They can be so big, basically short of strip searching or searching cavities, they could miss something like this."

600lb George, who was originally arrested for selling bootleg CDs, approached an officer during shower break and admitted to smuggling in the gun. George was charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility and was released on bond.

You know, you have to give it up to George. Dude is working with what McDonald's, Taco Bell, KFC, Quizno's, IHOP and (insert every other fine restaurant establishment here) gave him!

And it doesn't state this in the article, but they also found the bullets in his belly button, a silencer under his right titty, a monogrammed sock with the initials J.H. under his left titty, Heidi Montag's dignity in one of his armpit lips, a butter churn in his crotch area (maybe that was his peen?) and the joo-ree missing from Lindsay Lohan's Elle photo shoot tucked into his back fat.

Source (Thanks Larissa)

Yesterday in Beverly Hills, Brit Brit got herself into a "Kim Zolciak goes to the pool at the Y" outfit for some kind of photo shoot. You know, Brit Brit really needs to invest in a Cuchini or two. She is dangerously close to having another "mah pussay is hanging out" moment. I can almost see an outline of her Cheetoclit.

Speaking of jerky lips, whoever was styling Brit should research her ass a little more. Brit shouldn't be in some boring ass white bikini! No, this is what she should be wearing:

What she's wearing is not working out! When all else fails, put some jerky on it!