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Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud is one of my favorite drunk Brits. Bitch loves to lap up the sweet nectar and it shows. Look at her ass leaving a London club at 4 in the morning. Druuuunk. When your eyes are unintentionally doing an impersonation of Wonky McValtrex, you've got the drunks in a major way. Speaking of boozing, here's a story/warning out of Boulder, CO that you should try to remember just when you're about to pass out after a night of debauchery.

So, this 20-year-old chick was partying it up on the rooftop of her sister's apartment building in Boulder. The girl's sister said she had two tequila shots, two vodka lemonades and probably a couple of beers, but she wasn't totally blitzed. The girl decided she had enough boozing, so she went downstairs to her sister's fifth-floor apartment to sleep it off. About two hours later, her sister came to check on her and couldn't find her ass anywhere in the apartment! It was about that time that an ambulance pulled up to the apartment building. The girl was lying on the grass below with a window screen near her! The bed the girl was sleeping in was right next to a window. You do the math.

The police think that homegirl accidentally rolled out of the window while she was sleeping. She was taken to the hospital for surgery and is currently recovering. Despite now having a phobia of sleeping next to windows, the girl will be fine.

This is why it's sometimes best to blackout on your bathroom floor! Seriously, before you're about to fall into a drunk coma, close every damn window and lock that bitch! And if you MUST have the window open, attach a bungee cord to your ankle just in case.

Papa Joe better update Jessica Simpson's resume and immediately forward it to Gerard Butler, because it sounds like the two could be perfectly happy together if she catches him in the right mood. Manwhore Gerard not only wants a woman with succulent breasteses, but it also sounds like he might want one with pork rinds for brains! Gerard said:

"Sometimes along the way in my life I don't want a smart woman right now, I want a dumb woman. But then you think, that doesn't work, now I want a smart woman. Then you get a smart woman and you go no, that doesn't work so it's just killing me right now."

Oh, Gerry. Sometimes he says dumb things (don't we all) and sometimes he says smart things (don't look at me). Wait......AND he also has a really really amazing rack. Maybe Gerry's soulmate is himself? Match made!

Source (Thanks Michelle)

If you ever get busted by the cops, put on a Hazmat-made rubber glove, reach into Keith R. Griffin's pocket and pull out the "MAH PUSSY IZ 2 BLAME" excuse. The cops will laugh at you until they turned inside out, but at least you've entertained a bunch of police officers. That's what 48-year-old Keith did.

This dumb fuck was arrested and charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found about 1,000 pictures of child porn on his computer. Keith put the blame on his cat! This mega idiot said that he would regularly leave his computer on while he was away and his cat would jump on the keyboard. Keith said that whenever he would return, he would find strange shit downloaded to his hardrive. I CAN'T WITH YOU, Keith! Although, the more that I think about it, this does make sense....

The other night I was at my friend's house and I think her pussy made me smoke a joint filled with heaven's grass. I didn't want to, but it made me. And whenever I go to my mom's house, her cat (don't make me say the p word) makes me eat pounds of In-N-Out. Again, it forces me to do this against my will! I have no choice. Think about it. Look at Maru. That pussy is acting like he's so cute, jumping out of boxes and hiding in shit. You know he's up to some evilness. Maru is in those boxes making bombs and planning our demise. Cats are the EVIL of the world. Click. It all makes sense.

You know Keith is going to be sitting in a prison cell holding his freshly dicked asshole so that his organs don't fall out, while his cat is lounging around somewhere thinking, "That's what you get for switching my Fancy Feast to that generic shit." Payback is a PUSSAY!

Source (Thanks Benny)

Posh's bony ass blew into Denver yesterday on a paper airplane to sit in as the guest judge on American Idol next to Hackey McClutchJaw and Simon "The Titty" Cowell. According to Radar, not everyone was clapping with their labia lips when they saw Posh. Some contestants were disappointed that Paula wasn't there. Obviously, these contestants don't go on the internet, watch TV, listen to radio, talk to other people or read the "breaking news" section of their PharmRep Magazine, because every bitch knew Paula wasn't going to be there.

Some source-type (aka Paula's day-shift dealer) added, "It didn't go too well. She tried to hard to be 'nice,' but came off as icy and wooden."

If they expected Posh to be crying, then they need to quit sniffing Paula's homemade paste and come back down to Earth. Posh can't cry, because if she sheds one liquid tear, she will immediately dehydrate and turn into a lump of bone dust. And we already know she's as icy as Nicole Kidman's bare clit in a snowstorm. We know this and would expect nothing less.

I shall end this post with some pictures of our Vicodin Viking rising from the ashes by greeting her public at Burbank Airport yesterday. If that Officer Pepaw only knew what was in her bag....

Kate Moss, her daughter Lila Grace and Lily Allen are currently tramping through St. Tropez. While they are there, Kate Moss is training Lily Allen so that she too can have the body of a cokey supermodel. Closer Magazine (via Daily Mail) says that Lily asked Kate for diet advice, because she wanted to know how to keep the chunk off. Um. Lily could have just watched Kate's "workout video" for tips.

A source said that Kate told Lily that she needs to go on the "Rock Chick Diet" (aka the Three Cs and 1 V diet) which involves ingesting nothing but coffee, ciggie smoke, vodka and champagne! Fuck, that cookie diet shit. The RC Diet sounds like just the thing for me.

Let's see, when you roll out of bed at around 4 in the afternoon, instead of eating a bowl of Cheerios, you slurp down a bowl of vodka. Instead of eating some toast, you light up a ciggie and smoke while you're pinching your nipples to prepare them for a day full of topless sunbathing. Then while you're feeding your vampire boyfriend a bottle filled with blood, you can enjoy a cup of coffee WITH NO LECHE (that will make you fat). For the rest of the day, you continue to walk around with a fag in your mouth (just like Tommy Girl) and a sippy cup of either vodka or champagne in your hand at all times.

And.....Kate mysteriously left out one of the other very important Cs in her diet. Kate forgot to say that you must do your "nostril exercises" at least twice an hour. And instead of brushing your teefs with Colgate, use Cokegate instead. VOILA! There you go! It won't be long before Kate is dishing out her tips to middle America on Oprah.

TMZ claims this is a picture of The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak trolling around with the mysterious (not really) Big Poppa at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas last November. I'm just going to tell myself this is Kim even though the trick in the picture isn't wearing a wig that looks like it was pieced together using Falcor's asshole hair and Jessica Simpson's leftover weave tracks found in the dumpster outside of Ken Paves' favorite glory hole. Maybe Kim went down to the Mattel factory and upgraded? But the little troll does look like Lee Najjar who has pretty much been confirmed as Big Poppa. Anyway, you can go about your day knowing that you might have seen a picture of the "trash box" (NeNe's words) and her sugar toddler.

And let this be your soundtrack for the day. This is a clip of Kim's new and not improved version of Tardy for the Party! Gone is the country warble! Bitch sounds like she's singing into a megaphone in front of a high-powered fan. The sound effects on an Atari game don't even sound this fucking digital. I still prefer NeNe's version.

Koda the dwarf pony - I can always count on the Daily Mail to keep me informed about the most important animal stories in the world and today they have brought Koda into my life! (Note to self: mustnotmakesjpjokesmustnotmakesjpjokesmustnotmakesjpjokes).

Look at this little pony! Koda is like a pony version of a pony (forgive me it's Saturday). 13-month-old Koda is currently only 23 inches tall and he's not expected to get any taller. He's about the same size of a cat! Koda was diagnosed as a little horsey soon after he was born. He was also born with a shit load of medical problems. One of the vets said that they had to operate on his legs, because they were all sorts of wonky. The next step is to fix his teefs so they fit his jaw. Koda doesn't let his issues get him down and he still gets into trouble chewing shit and stuff. They expect him to live a happy and healthy life after that.

Koda reminds my ass of the Cabbage Patch pony I had as a kid. Koda's even adorable when he's sniffing pussy ass (see thumbnail #2).

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