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Yesterday in Los Angeles, Xtina put on her day make-up (3 pounds of creamy foundation made from the blended down skins of virgins and six layers of the Mattel-brand lacquer they use to paint Barbie's lips) to take Baby Max out shopping for clothes. Baby Max had to wear sunglasses to hide a tiny black eye. It happens. You have too much to drink and accidentally bump into an annoying ass coffee table while crawling to your crib. Kids do it all the time.

But somebody should have told Max that he could have easily covered up that black eye just by wiping against his mother's cheek. BAM! Just like that, black eye concealed! Maybe he already knew this, but didn't want to waste one full day soaking his face in a bowl of paint remover and vinegar just to get all the make-up off.

Cheech (short for CheeChees) Marin married his Russian girlfriend of 4 years Natasha Rubin in Malibu yesterday in front of 75 guests including Don Johnson and Geraldo Rivera (A MESS!!).

People says that the bride wore hemp, the guests threw buds at them while they exited the church and the cake was made out of 79 cent crunchy tacos from Taco Bell with Funyuns frosting.

This short news tidbit is just the excuse you need to put your lips on a joint and only let go to exhale. Repeat..cough...repeat....cough....repeat...cough..... It's how Cheech would want you to celebrate.

The roach motel door is open and here they come trying to get a piece! Mark Lester, the ho who played the title role in the Oliver! movie, has tap danced over to the News of the World and told them that he believes he is Paris Jackson's biological father. Maury, please get the dustpan and deal with these SCRAGS BITCHES!

Mark Lester has been a friend of Michael Jackson's for years and is even his children's godfather. Mark says that Michael complained about not being able to do sexy times with anyone, because he was too scared. Michael apparently told Mark that he wanted to have children, but didn't think he could do it the natural way. That's when Mark offered up his jizz in a bottle and Michael took him up on the offer. About two years later, Debbie Rowe gave birth to Paris. Mark said Michael never told him who Paris' biological father is. As Paris grew up, Mark slowly started to believe that they were related by blood, because she looks just like his now 15-year-old daughter Harriet.

Mark said, "Paris is very pale, with blue eyes. All my daughters, apart from my eldest, are fair with blue eyes. So many people have commented on how alike Harriet and Paris look. Our families often holidayed together and staff, especially nannies, watching the children play together would say how similar the two girls looked."

The last time Mark saw Michael was in London this past March. Mark also spoke to Paris at Michael's memorial in Los Angeles and he said he feels a bond with her. Mark wants some cold hard cash to know the truth, so he's willing to undergo a paternity test. Mark has tried to call Katherine Jackson, but she won't return his calls. The only thing he really wants is to be in those kids' lives. Mark ended with, "I feel it's important. I love those kids so much. We've had great times together. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing speaking out. But I'm not trying to make any claim on anything. Even if it's proven Paris is biologically mine I wouldn't see her as anything other than Michael's daughter. He raised her."

Below is a side-by-side of Paris and Mark's daughter Harriet when she was 11. Personally, I don't see it AT ALL, but I also don't have sparkly dollar signs blinding my vision.

And La Toya, you know what you need to do, girl. Put on your deerstalker cap, get out your magnifying glass and drag your Bloodhound to London, because you need to GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!

The douche duo of the West, John Mayer and Rob Dyrdek, left MyHouse in L.A. last night wearing matching monogrammed velvet smoking jackets and with two pumas (that one was for you, Aniston) on their arms. John said that the ladies weren't their mothers, but their dates. Let's all do the eyeball wave! Roll to the left!

Whatever the case may be, John's lady friend is giving me Lynda Carter fever and has confirmed to us all that dressing like a Dynasty character going to a funeral is always a good idea. When all else fails, ask yourself, "What would Alexis Carrington wear to Krystle's future funeral?"

Before getting into the car, John's date either tripped on her own glamour or was overwhelmed by the piping hot douche fumes in the air, because she went down! Ugh. I hope homecougar is getting PAID.

Freckles from Vh1's Real Chance of Love 2 - My ass barely watched the first episode of this wreck which premiered last week and of course, I instantly fell in love with Freckles' exquisite eyebrows that were drawn by the hand of a cholita angel. SPOILER ALERT: Unfortunately, Freckles was executed on the first damn episode! Those dick bags were threatened by her gorgeous eyebrows And Freckles is right, she really is "top of the line dime" (whatever the dick that means).

Freckles is also a poet. She's like the morning-shift stripper version of Maya Angelou with eyebrows that will make a Sharpie weep. Clip below:

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