When I first heard that Ellen Degeneres was going to replace our favorite loopy pill popper on American Idol, I immediately said a small prayer for Paul's medicine cabinet, because I knew it was going to get messed up majorly during her meltdown. If Paula did freak out like Wino during a full moon, then she quickly brushed the Vicodin dust off of her, downed a Red Bull and pulled it together long enough to issue this statement about being replaced:
"American Idol is a fantastic show that offers an invaluable platform to young talent. Ellen DeGeneres is wildly funny and talented in her own right. I wish her and the show only the best of luck."
If only statements came in 3D. This one would be filled with side-eyes, stumbles, slurring, middle fingers and spitting. Paula is probably just playing nice to throw producers off into thinking she's going to behave. That way it will be easy for her to hide between Simon Cowell's fur titties before the season premiere and pop out when they all least expect it! You can't keep a crazy down. Ever!
Detective La Toya Jackson has been too busy getting to the bottom of EVERYTHING that she hasn't had the time to pay her bills! Because of that, La Toya's Las Vegas condo is in default and will be auctioned off to the highest bidder.
The Las Vegas Review-Journal reports that La Toya bought the condo in 1996 for $260,000, but thanks to several liens placed on the joint over the years, she owes the bank nearly $750,000.
Late last month, La Toya was seen quickly moving her belongings out of the apartment in the dead of night and into a Datsun pick-up truck parked outside. Okay, I made up that "dead of night" and Datsun part, but I can totally picture her pulling that crap to evade the creditors!
Since La Toya can now add a foreclosure to her glittery resume, she obviously needs to join the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta! Detective La Toya is the only bitch who get to the bottom of what's living (and dying) on Kim's head! Seriously, that wig is probably made of several extinct animals and La Toya will find out the truth!
And that picture above is punching me in the soul. An Ed Hardy cap, La Toya?! Does Ed Hardy make deerstalker hats at least? Come on, La Toya!
So all the tests have come back and a source says that South African runner Caster Semenya (Go ahead and laugh at the semen in her name AGAIN) has both lady and dude parts. Hey, it happens. Just look at Chyna.
Caster was forced to undergo gender tests by the International Association of Athletics Federations after she won the gold in the women's 800-meter last month in Berlin. Officials believed something in the milk wasn't clean about Caster, so they sent in the peen finders.
According to a source who saw the results, Caster doesn't have a womb or ovaries and has "internal testes" (that's nuts in her vag for those of you who don't speak medical-talk). Caster also has three times the testosterone of a regular woman. Fun fact: Brooke Hogan has a hundred times the testosterone of a bull in heat.
Caster has apparently been advised to undergo surgery, because she could face some fucked up health shit in the future.
The NYDN reports that officials are trying to decide whether or not they should take away Caster's gold medal. Caster's career in competitive racing is also up in the air. No official announcement or confirmation from the IAAF has been made.
It kind of sucks for Caster that the whole world knows about her private parts business. It reminds of when I was a kid and I went to JcPenney's with my mom. I was on my way to the bathroom when some saleslady stopped me and said, "Oh. What a cute little girl! Your curls are just so pretty!" My cunt gene wasn't fully developed then, so I just smiled and walked right into the men's room while hearing her say "Oh. Oops." That stupid bitch!
Caster, do what I didn't do back then and tell all of them to suck on your "internal testes," because you're keeping the medal!
I have no clue what this Takers movie is about, but based on the poster I'm guessing the "something" everyone is after is NECKS! This shit should be called NECK TAKERS, because none of these motherfuckers on this poster have one! Paul Walker sort of has one, but it's hidden underneath that spandex turtleneck(?!!!?). I mean, what in the fuck?! My drunk computer-illiterate uncle, who thinks an ipod is a type of diaphragm (true story), could do a better Photoshop job than this!
I wish Paul Walker would use his GIGANTIC hands to rip that hat off of Hayden Christensen's head, because SamRo has been asking for it.
And part of me hopes the movie is just like the poster. You know, a bunch of cardboard cut-outs hanging around together, boozing, smoking and TAKING!
Maybe I fell asleep during that part in Beauty and the Beast, but I don't ever remember The Beast doing fellatio with the rose before destroying it....
Anyway, outside of a bar in London last night, Mickey Rourke gave a rose a blow job in front of everyone. Now, I could make some joke about how the flower is a symbol for a chocha, but I really don't think your (or my imaginary) vagina needs that today so I'll refrain for now. Instead, let's focus on Mickey's bulge. That's if your stomach can take it.
Last year, stupid ass LiLo posted her private cell phone number on her Facebook page. It didn't take long for someone to hack into her voicemail. And it didn't take the brain power of MacGyver to do it since LiLo's voicemail password was "1234." These crackheads, I can't.....
Animal New York posted a few of the voicemails left in LiLo's inbox and most of them are sad/pathetic/depressing/etc. Although, the second message sounds like one my mom would leave me after she had too many glasses of Chardonnay.
Most of the messages are from drunk crazies rambling on about whatever, but the most pathetic comes courtesy of her daddy Michael Lohan. Of course! Michael cries about how he wants to visit The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, but she doesn't want him to come. In a second message, Michael tells LiLo that he bought her CD at 7-11 (BURN!!!) and thinks it's so beautiful. Then he holds the phone up to his stereo so she could hear him listening to her song. Unfortunately, the next sound we DON'T hear is his car careening off the road and over a cliff. If my dad left me messages like that, I'd probably eat crackhouses whole too.
LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian are the new Sienna and Balthazar. Hopefully, LeAnn keeps her top on - Egotastic!
When is Lady CaCa going to shock us all by wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt? - Hollywood Rag
NOOOOOO: John Stossell and his moustache are leaving 20/20 - Popeater
Like a Pony - Just Jared
Jennifer Aniston's wet dream: Gerard Butler's bare butt cheeks + donuts - Towleroad
Posh doesn't want to talk about her medicine ball tittays - Lainey Gossip
I'm guessing Pamela Anderson's Peta ad was banned because of the effects her scary face has on children? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Holly Madison makes it so easy - Hollywood Tuna
Goths at the beach - Cityrag
Jessica Simpson goes to Brazil, keeps her chichis covered - Popsugar
This is pretty much what I figured Kendra's baby would look like - ICYDK
Dyke Drama: Jodie Foster got dumped - Celebitchy
This is news: Shia LaDouche shaved - Socialite Life
Katie Price should do this more often - Holy Moly!
Kelly Ripa is starting to look like LiLo's clit - I'm Not Obsessed
First there was a picture, and now here's the skit from Jimmy Kimmel Live of Kathy Griffin as everyone's least favorite baby-popping cuntress Kate Gosselin. I'll always have love in my loins for Kathy, but I think they should've dropped a possum wig on Predator and had him play Kate. It would've been more realistic. Kathy is obviously more of an Aunt Jodi than a Kate.
And George Takei as Jon Gosselin is all sorts creepy. Yes, Jon Gosselin as Jon Gosselin is still creepier, but this is a close second. However, why isn't George wearing an Ed Hardy bib?! You can't realistically play Jon without being covered in the douche vomit that is Ed Hardy. Jon and Ed Hardy are forever attached at the asshole.
We finally know the secret to shutting up TyTy Baby's mouth hole in a quick second! Just ask her about Janice Dickinson and Paulina Porizkova. That's what Cynthia McFadden did during her interview with TyTy which aired on Nightline last night.
Cynthia, who needs take a lesson at the Learning Annex on how to pronounce Paulina Porizkova's name right, asked a question she was told NOT to ask. TyTy's spokeswhore immediately told Cynthia not to go there, but she didn't listen.
Cynthia grabbed her shank and went right in. The look on TyTy's face is priceless. I was waiting for her to pull her weave out and headbutt Cynthia in the mouth. It would've been game over for Cynthia, because TyTy's infinityhead of destruction is no joke.
After a few awkward seconds of TyTy trying to keep her composure while freaking out inside, Cynthia said that people were saying that Janice and Paulina were just jealous. This prompted TyTy to respond, "Is that what you think? You said it! Is that what you think? You said it! I do interviews! You said it!"
YES! I love it when TyTy completely turns inside out while getting a taste of her own medicine. You said it! I didn't say it!
You know, I think Tilex is being a little optimistic, because it's going to take a lot more to clean up Parasite Hilton's nether coochies. In addition to Tilex, you're going to need two cups of boric acid, 3 tablespoons of Brandon Davis' undertitty butter, a drop of Tinkerbell's anal gland juice and the dust off of an old Hottie and the Nottie DVD.