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And so much for everything I ate today fully digesting, because it's all about to come pouring out of my ear, nose and mouth holes thanks to this picture of Jon Grosselin and Meth Brows doing a disgustingly horrific act together! This is a cruel act against humanity! Where is a rabid possum with a thirst for meth brows and douche dough when you need one?! We need to call our congressmen about this fuckery.

You know Jon and Methy only posed for Radar to shoot down the rumors that they are no longer bumping titties in between his Ed Hardy satin sheets. Okay, you two twats win. You're still together. We surrender. Now please don't ever do that shit again in public.

If you're feeling masochistic, you can go on over to Radar to see even more pictures. If I were you, I'd consult my physician before, because this shit will make you ill.

So...I guess Shawne Merriman isn't officially Chris Brown 2.0 after all. After investigating the case, the San Diego District Attorney announced that no charges will be filed against Shawne over Tila Tequila's accusations that he choked her out and bruised her up last week. The D.A. released this statement:

"After a thorough review of the investigation into the Sept. 6, 2009 incident at the Poway home of Shawne Merriman, our office has determined there is insufficient evidence to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that any crime was committed. The case is now closed."

Well, there you go! The trial of the century that never was. And it seems that Tila is already moving on to sexier pastures. A few hours ago, she posted this on her Twitter: "CONTEST: whomever calls me with the BEST fun date idea, Im gonna give you a call back & we can go on the date! BE CREATIVE! (860) 256-8452! It's a shame because I bought a TON of new lingerie....but no one to wear them for.....=/ Can I play dress up with you???? (860) 256-8452."

If the whole being a "bi-sexual pixie elf" thing doesn't work out for her, Tila can definitely get a job writing pussy peddler ads on Craigslist.

VIA ESPN

Many say (okay, just me) that the sheer existence of The Empress of Lucite is the greatest act of charity that the world has ever known! So the painfully-elegant Shauna Sand going out in public should be enough to award her every Nobel Peace Prize for the rest of our days, but she managed to top herself by giving a dollar to a man in a wheelchair.

If you told me that as soon as Shauna handed over that lucite-blessed dollar, the man jumped out of his chair, ran to the nearest liquor store, bought a lottery ticket, won millions of dollars, met a supermodel and then married her, I'd believe you. Yes, even though Shauna was not wearing her exquisite lucite heels, the power of lucite still lives within her!

And Shauna needs to quickly check her whore, because methinks he's trying to outdo her in the "glamorous and gorgeous" department. There can only be one most beautiful woman in the world and that's Shauna!

After Mischa Barton got out of the crazy ward and wiped the 5150 off her forehead, she told the media that her wisdom teefs are to blame for all her troubles.

On The View today, Mischa Barton elaborated on it by saying she had all four of her wisdom teefs pulled out at once, but they totally botched that shit. When she woke up the next day, she had an infection and a dry socket. Parasite Hilton's toxic snatch is "pfft-ing" at that, because it has a dry socket and an infection daily.

Mischa claims she only took the minimum amount of painkillers to get her through the pain. This is Mischa Barton we're talking about, so her minimum is probably your maximum (Unless your name is Amy Winehouse). When Mischa couldn't take the pain any longer, she went to the hospital where she shouted that she wanted to die. And that was the key phrase needed to stamp a 5150 on her and shuffle her off to the looney bin.

I'm completely on the same level with the bitches at The View, because I don't know how getting your wisdom teeth yanked out could land you in the psych ward.

I mean, Mischa could've just lied by saying that she had "lunch" with Paula Abdul and Lindsay Lohan that day and the next thing she knew, she was in the crazy house. We all would've just sighed collectively and understood.

And something tells me the "wisdom tooth" excuse is going to be the new "exhaustion."

There's been a womb watch on Penny Cruz for a couple of months now. The rumors going around town (aka the internets) is that one of Javier Bardem's hunky sperm fish got down with one of Penny's ovaries creating a fetus tamale. All parties involved have kept their mouths shut about the subject. Some seem to think that the rumors are false, because she was photographed a couple of days ago smoking away at the Chateau Marmont.

At the premiere of her movie Broken Embraces at the Toronto International Film Festival last night, a reporter decided to ask Penny about the possible situation going on in her lady parts and she wasn't happy about it. According to People, Penny screamed, "That's your question?!" and then busted out of there.

So either: a) Penny does have the BABIES!! but doesn't feel like talking about it with strangers. b) Penny doesn't have the BABIES!! and isn't amused with hos thinking she's chunky in the belly area. c) Penny did have the BABIES!!!, but she doesn't anymore. Sad faces galore.

This is why you simply don't ask a trick if she's pregnant. I mean, whenever I'm sitting on the subway and see a possibly pregnant person standing up, I'm always afraid to offer up my seat. What if she's just fat and shanks me in the throat for assuming she's got a baby in there? Just keep your eyes down!

Here's Penny looking like she wrapped herself in a hospital bed sheet at her big premiere last night.

Apparently this married, former B list movie actress from some very big movies and still a very strong C is going to come out in the next few weeks. Her new girlfriend is insisting on it. (CDAN)

This blind item has nothing to do with Rojo Caliente, but she proudly welcomes whoever this is into the Gayelle Club. So, I looked at the comments at CDAN and most of them seem to think this could be Robin Wright Penn and Rebbecca Hall? But I'm going to guess Salma Hayek, because she has two very strong Cs (as in chichis).

We’ve watched this acting couple raise a family over the years. What we didn’t know was that while he and his missus were in an earlier stage of their relationship, he had a brief fling that produced a child. The child’s name is similar to the father’s, but the last name is the mother’s, so it’s not obvious that they are related. The fling has been receiving money from the father for several years without any kind of legal agreement, and the amounts keep going up. Every time he balks at paying, the fling threatens to tell his wife. Play with fire and you’re going to get burned. (Blind Gossip)

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck? Or Matthew Broderick and SJP? Or Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany? Or Miss Piggy and Kermit?

This star is very conservative in their political views. They’ve even (allegedly) donated some of their own funds to help right-wing candidates. In order to ’spite’ Obama and his so-called ’socialist agenda’ this star bragged to friends of our source that they plan on ‘using as many plastic grocery bags’ as they can, leave their ‘car idling every chance’ they get and take ’some extra long and hot showers.’ We’re not sure how this politically thwarts the democrats, but it does prove a point that our celebrity is a moron. (BuzzFoto via Gawker)

This blind item smells like Patrica Heaton, which smells like 100% CUNT.

Which party-girl turned entrepreneur never leaves home without her stash? She checked a few tote bags with a bell hop, who later found they were filled with cocaine. (Star via Blind Gossip)

Parasite Hilton? And I doubt it was cocaine. It was Valtrex dust.

FUCK YES: Doogie HoseMe! - Towleroad

Jason Stackhouse in a sea of butterfaces - Just Jared

Gwen Stefani stole her own son's look - Popsugar

Sexy Look of the Minute: Carrie Fisher (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

AnnaLynne McCord meant to do that - Holy Moly!

Sophie Monk doing what she's gotta do to become relevant - Hollywood Tuna

Ellen Page and Drew Barrymore kissing, but I don't see any tongue. I want a refund! - Egotastic!

Kate Hudson's chest is as flat as her personality. Zing-a-zing-zing! - Lainey Gossip

Charlize Theron is nekkid a lot - Cityrag

Maura Tierney drops out of Parentood the TV show to undergo treatment for breast cancer - Popeater

If HoHan ate a pizza - ICYDK

JLove has more of a gourd-ass, but pear-ass works too - Celebitchy

Speaking of..... - Popoholic

The bible according to 50 Cent - Hollywood Rag

Jennifer Connelly's nipples at the premiere of her new movie - I'm Not Obsessed

Det. La Toya is trying to snatch up Jocelyn Wildenstein's piece - Socialite Life

The people have spoken and voted Vogue Evolution as the hottest and sluttiest sluts of August! VE snatched up 41% of the votes. This couldn't have come at a better time, because (SPOILER ALERT) their asses were eliminated from America's Best Dance Crew this week. The producers were probably sick of the janitors always bitching about having to clean up Vogue Evolution's glitter off the dancefloor, so they got rid of them. Sadness. But Vogue Evolution is heading straight for the stars, so they don't need that shit. And at least they won't have to see Lil' Mama's crypt-keeper face anymore.

Below is Vogue Evolution's "Halle Berry" dance from this week's episode. You know Lil' Mama's dick probably jumped several times during their performance.

Thanks to all who voted!

JAPAN! JAPAN! The magical land of puss brows, dog brows and now ribbed slides (for everyone's pleasure) and the French Bulldogs who love them! This is a video from a Japanese show featuring Meru (not to be confused with the serious artiste Maru), a French Bulldog who can't get enough of sliding down slides on his side. Side sliding!

Do you blame him? If we had ribbed slides, you know your ass would be going down it....nekkid...and lubed up.

VIA Buzzfeed

Last week, Christina Milian married something called The Dream (I still don't know) in an extravagant, over-the-top, expensive, dazzling (sarcasm) Las Vegas wedding. Well, it turns out these two lovebirds made it legal because Christina has come down with the BABIES!!!! Cut to my chola cousin saying, "Been there, done that, girl."

Although, a source-type is telling UsWeekly that they were going to get married anyway before finding out Christina's womb is occupied, "The pregnancy was a surprise, but they were getting married regardless."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep blowing pregnant farts in our eyes, we know why you got hitched. But that doesn't matter anymore. What really matters is what Christina and The Dream are going to name their new baby friend! These are the two that have the power to dethrone Sparrow James Midnight Madden as having the most ridiculous celebrity baby name of '09. I'm thinking "Dream Alittle The Dream."