Archives

Chris Brown began his first day of community service today in Richmond, Virginia. Chris spent the day pulling out weeds with his beaver teeth, picking up trash (the jokes write themselves) and destroying horse shit by flinching at it. They should have punished him even more by making him wear that precious powder blue sweater and bow-tie.

It didn't take long for the paparazzi and "fans" to find out where Chris was. Yeah, it didn't take long, because Chris sent them a smoke signal in the form of a tweet before he left his house. Chris even posted a picture of him in his "community service outfit" on his aptly named Twitter account Mechanical Dummy. Seriously, it's like he's bragging about his weed pullin' ensemble. I won't be surprised if Chris leaves his final day of community service in a sparkly gown ala Naomi Campbell.

Below is footage of Chris wacking weeds and waving to the fans. It's a hard life. If you're in the area, you should drive by and say "hi" to Chris. And by "say hi," I mean dump all your used tampons near him.

"Yo, Chris Brown, I know you're picking up trash and all and Imma let you finish, but Boy George is the best trash picker-upper of all-time." - Kanye

Yesterday, Planet Earth almost rolled into the sun after millions flipped out (not really) over Kate Gosselin's new wavy possum hair. The possums of the world were about to hold a candlelight vigil for their fallen brother, but they don't have to do that now that everything is back to normal. Kate left her hotel in NYC this morning with her possum head looking fried and frazzled as usual.

In other Kate news, Radar reports that The Possum Hour of Cuntness is coming to TV very soon. Kate is not only in NYC to be a guest co-host on The View, but she's also working on her own TV show with Paula Deen. Apparently, the show is based on the website Mom Logic. Kate, Paula and other hosts will barf about everything from gossip to healthy and beauty (CHOKE!) tips to advice for moms. The pilot will shoot later this month.

Kate has the interview skills of a toilet paper roll, so her show should be interesting (it will suck). Anybody who watched her ass on The View knows what I'm talking about. If this Mom Logic show requires a lot of head nodding, foot shaking and cunt grins, then Kate will be the star of that shit. However, if it requires actually making points, then Kate better try to steal a vial of Diane Sawyer's essence or she's in trouble.

In case you didn't notice the douchesicle hiding under that LOOKATME mask, it's devoted father and husband Pete Wentz famewhoring it like a pro while walking to the music studio. Pete thought he had this shot wrapped up, but little did he know that a kid behind him stole his moment by throwing a sideways V for Vagina sign.

Too bad Kathy Griffin wasn't driving by. She would've mistook Pete for an off-duty Oscar statute and immediately snatched him up. The world would be rid of Pete, because he'd be forever trapped in a glass cabinet over Kathy's toilet.

73-year-old Burt Reynolds is in a Florida rehab facility, because he just can't stop getting hongray for painkillers.

The National Enquirer reports that Burt was forced into rehab after he was taken to the crazy house last month. A source says that Burt was found bloody and dizzy in his home after he fell down due to too much boozing and pill-popping. Burt was taken to the hospital, but he started to bring the crazy, so they checked him into a mental facility. The mental hospital would only release Burt if he went to rehab. And there he is.

Burt's manager wouldn't confirm the rumor about the mental hospital, but they did release this statement:

"After a recent back surgery, Mr. Reynolds felt like he was going through hell and after a while, realized he was a prisoner of prescription pain pills. He checked himself into rehab in order to regain control of his life. Mr. Reynolds hopes his story will help others in a similar situation. He hopes they will not try to solve the problem by themselves, but realize that sometimes it is too tough to do on their own and they should seek help, as he did."

Jessica Simpson's beloved dog friend Daisy faked her own dognapping to get away from the dumbass was captured by the coyotes on Monday and she pleaded to the coyotes to return her safely, but so far she hasn't gotten an answer. So Jessica has taken her search to the next level by hiring Detective La Toya to get to the bottom of Daisy's disappearance. No, but she should have done that. Instead, Jessica has hired a company called FindToto.com.

The company issued an Amber Alert on Daisy and called 1,000 of Jessica's closest neighbors. The company thinks Daisy might be hurt, so they asked people to check their yards and under their decks.

I wonder if FindToto paid a little visit to the douche den of Twit & Twat, because I read this at People earlier today: Spencer Pratt surprised Heidi Montag Tuesday morning with a 9-week-old female maltipoo. "Spencer gave me the best gift ever, a maltipoo puppy that we have named Dolly."

I mean, Spencer is a mangy beast who constantly slobbers, so maybe he's really the one who snatched Daisy.

VIA UsWeekly

This ad was posted on Craigslist Vancouver: "*are you Asian and hot? want to f-ck a movie star?* - 26 (Vancouver) So here's the scoop I'm 26 caucasian and f-cking hot I'm here in town for filming staying at an upscale hotel. I'll let you know all the details later... I'm a B list actor but will be on the A list very shortly in good time. What am I looking for you ask? A gorgeous asian boy that I can f-ck the hell out of. F.Y.I. I'm not out and everyone thinks I'm straight but being gay is my secret to keep. This little rendezvous will happen in my hotel room and yes I'm registered under an alias. Please send me a cock pic, body pic and face pic. P.S. If I don't get back to you with this fake e-mail just means I'm not interested and your not what I'm looking for. I'm extremely particular. If your the one to meet me you will 100% not be disappointed and you most likely wont believe it's me.......I've seen so many cute asians in this city....................Get back to me if your one of them.... Oh ya I will not send you a pic of me. If you see this add I'm still looking... I will not respond to one sentence questions.... " (Lainey Gossip)

Bobby Trendy should've jumped on the rainbow and slid over to Vancouver. That sounds like his man!

Lainey throws Zac Efron name into the guessing ring, because he's currently shooting in Vancouver. Zac and Bobby would be the couple of the century! I'll also guess Jackson Rathbone (Twilight), Xavier Samuel (Twilight) or Bradley Cooper (The A-Team). None of them are exactly 26, but Clist age is different than real age.

Which so-called Hollywood heartthrob actor likes to do a poo on top of ladies during a bit of how’s your farver? (Holy Moly!)

I really can't with this one. I pass the poo on to you.

What momentarily A list singer was a couple of hours late to the stage at a fashion show party because she was having sex in her dressing room? (CDAN)

Lady CaCa? People need to be patient, because I'm sure it takes a while for her hermie peen to bust one.

SAVE OUR CHILDREN: Little Cokey meets Little Jenny - Popsugar

Megan Fox and her crotch on Rolling Stone - Hollywood Tuna

Amber Rose ain't going anywhere - Lainey Gossip

Mario Lopez (see post below) did it better than Mischa Barton - Egotastic!

How very Brad Pitt of Eggs - Towleroad

Jude fought the law and won - Holy Moly!

Is Miranda Kerr posing in a Sears Portrait Studio?! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Charlize Theron should be a celebrity guest organizer on Hoarders - Hollywood Rag

Megan Fox has a fan...who she totally gave a handjob to so he could write this letter - Just Jared

Dogs will hump anything - Cityrag

Yet another Megan Fox-ism that makes your brain cry - Celebitchy

Start filling the baby bottles with barley water, because Jenna Jameson is knocked up - SOW

ANOTHER DAMN BABY IS GOING TO STEAL OUR OXYGEN!!!1!!!11!- I'm Not Obsessed

Will RiRi quit biting Conductor Tama's look - Socialite Life

The tranny wax figure versions of Kate Moss and TyTy - Popbytes

American Midol - ICYDK

Our reigning Hot Slut of the Year Spaghetti Cat has been MIA for a while now and I just figured he was in rehab again. Noodle addiction is no joke. SC hasn't been in rehab, because he was busy working on a Nintendo DS game called Scribblenauts. Reader Jeff sent in this screen shot of SC's appearance in the game. This is important, because SC is giving us a profile shot. Yes, he really is THAT talented.

And since we're on the subject of amazingly gifted pussies, here's a clip of SHOWER CAT! Shower Cat is better at taking a shower than I am. I mean, he's washing his head and everything. Usually I just sit in the shower crying into my hands because I'm so ashamed of what I did the night before (SPOILER ALERT: watched 2 episodes of Tool Academy).

I really should have found a way to write up this shit in Braille, because I'm guessing most of your eyeballs have jumped out of their holes and ran off to find the nearest bowl of bleach to marinate in. Although, there's probably an elderly and senile lion with a bad case of cataracts somewhere rubbing one off to this picture like it's porn.

Here's Jocelyn Wildenstein (aka the love of child of Rocky Dennis and Kenny the Inbred White Tiger) leaving a restaurant with her boyfriend Lloyd Klein last night. And yes, they were the only ones in the place who ate.

(Warning: clear your throat before you read the first part) 15-year-old Ali Lohan isn't enrolled in regular school, because she's a full-time student at UCWB (University of Crack Whore Behavior). UCWB's Dean of Famehowhoring, Professor Blohan, has taken little Ali under her raggedy wing to mentor her in what's really important in life: PARTYING.

Life & Style reports that since White Oprah is mostly passed out in the lap of some trucker she picked up the night before, Blohan has been taking care of her younger sister. The two have been doing regular sister bonding activities like smoking and boozing club until dawn. I'm not being sarcastic, that really is a good way for sisters to bond. Hell, it's a good way for everyone to bond. Seriously, if your dog is giving you the silent treatment and throwing you shade, just take that bitch to the local club. By the end of the night, you'll be the second coming of Turner & Hooch!

One witness who was at L.A.'s Crown bar when Blohan and her apprentice were there said, “Lindsay didn’t coddle her or anything. They partied until after 1 a.m., and she treated Ali as if she were just one of her friends at the club with her." And another nosy bitch added, “Both of them were smoking like chimneys and dancing around.”

When Life & Style asked Michael Lohan about this, he didn't seem to be worried, “I’m glad Lindsay and Ali remain so close." Yes, Ali Lohan yacking up Alize in a urinal while Blohan kicks at her to hurry up really is a touching picture of sisterly love. Again, I'm not being sarcastic.

And before you start wondering how Ali is getting into these clubs, take a good look at her. Would you card a face like that? Exactly.

Here's the greatest older sister in the world (once again, not sarcasm) heading straight for the gutter in NYC last night.