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Okay, I'm going to try to be nice to Katherine Heigl this one time (MARK THIS DAY IN HISTORY!!!) and say that her new adorable Asian baby friend softens the cuntness in her face just a bit. There.

Heeeigggl (make that phlegm noise) and her husband Josh Kelley posted the first pictures of their 10-month-old daughter Naleigh on her foundation's website today. Heigl and her husband adopted little Naleigh from Korea. Naleigh's full name is Nancy Leigh (after Heigl's mother and sister). Heigl's rep said that everyone is doing well.

You know, babies always make my toe nails sweat, but Naleigh's little Michelin Man arms did make my dead heart beat a couple of times. I should go to the free clinic and have that checked.

Would you hit it, because it would hit you. So, here's Chris Brown working hard (sar.casm) to erase his sins during day 2 of community service. Seriously, community service looks funner than a dildo convention. You get fart around with your nipples out. Although, in Chris' defense, he's probably topless, because wearing just a wife beater would be too obvious.

How many pairs of shorts does it really take to cover Chris Brown?! Riddle me this, if it's so hot that Chris has to air his chest out, why the hell is he wearing the entire shorts section of an American Apparel?! Pull your stupid camo capris up....all the way past your face.

And I don't know whether to clap or cry at the on-purpose irony in thumbnail #5.

Earlier this month, a Grinch-like pepaw was arrested after he slapped a crying two-year-old in the middle of Wal-Mart. That slap must have put something in the air, because it has happened again.

43-year-old Gloria Ballard was put in handcuffs on Tuesday afternoon, because she took a two-year-old boy over her knee and slappity slapped his nalgas three times in the middle of a Salvation Army in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Apparently, the boy said something to Gloria that annoyed her. My guess is that he asked her why she smelled like Amy Wino's spit cup, because Gloria has been arrested before for public intoxication and disorderly conduct. Yes, you know you're living the life when you're drunkenly spanking children in a Salvation Army.

In court yesterday, Gloria claimed that she never spanked the child. She said he was upset, so she was trying to comfort him by gently patting him on the back. HA! That's kind of a good excuse. The pepaw who slapped that kid in Wal-Mart should have used that one. He wasn't slapping that crying girl, he was just trying to comfort her by caressing her cheek. Sometimes old folks get stronger in their old age (I'm making that up). They don't know their own strength!

If found guilty, drunk ass Gloria could face up to six-months in jail and a $1,000 fine.

And if you have a two-year-old, you better give that kid a taser and dress 'em up in armor when you take them out in public. Slapping a stranger's child seems to be the thing.

VIA Associated Press

As a bitchy gay brother myself, I know that it's in my job description to kindly take my sister to the side and fix her whenever she's looking busted. If I don't tell her she looks all kinds of wrong, who will? So when I read Christopher Ciccone's cunty comments about the way his sister looked at the VMAs, I didn't really think he was being mean-spirited. Since Vadge crushes her cell phone with her bare hands whenever he calls, he had no choice but to give his critique to E! News. Christopher is speaking from the bottom of his famewhoring heart.

This is what Chris said:

"She looked like Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong! It proves the point that you can judge a person by the company they keep— or don't keep. It's painfully apparent that Jesus may be able to turn water into wine, but your basic blow-dryer eludes him."

While both Vadge and Chupa bathe in virgin's blood weekly, I don't see the resemblance at all.

But wait, let's compare a picture of Vadge with a picture of Chupa without her make-up on:

Okay, Christopher might have a point.

But seriously, methinks Christopher is just a tad bit jealous that Vadge has enough hair to BUMP her way to fabulousness with. Oh, Christopher, I'm sure you have enough hair down there. BUMP your pube bush!

JLove's #1 weight-loss trick: Lather yourself in massive amounts of PHOTOSHOP - Popoholic

Susan Sarandon's daughter has her bubbies out for David Duchovny - Egotastic!

A snake gave up its life so Halle Berry's baby situation could remain a mystery - Hollywood Tuna

That's a good Baby Jesus - Popsugar

Ever wanted to know what a skeleton looks like in a tux? - Just Jared

Jessica Biel joins The A-Team movie, but unfortunately isn't playing Baracus - Lainey Gossip

What you've been waiting for all day: Alexis Arquette's panty flash. Now with less peen! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

If you kissed on Ronnie Wood's boiled prune face, you would want to off yourself too - Holy Moly!

Hmm...Lourdes doesn't seem that into this - Towleroad

Sean Stewart continues to make his father oh-so proud - Hollywood Rag

Gay Fish is a rapper, CAPS-LOCK virtuoso, mic snatcher, laxative and now...stylist! - Celebitchy

The Spice Girls sans Posh - Socialite Life

I miss the angry and crazy Fiona Apple who used to curse us out at awards shows. Growing up sucks - I'm Not Obsessed

Kat Von Dude - ICYDK

Heidi Klum won't stop until every pair of working eyes on this planet has seen her titties - Cityrag

Rest in peace, Henry Gibson - EW

Rest in peace, the Toys 'R Us giraffe - Videogum

Rest in peace, EVERYONE.

This cougar is bragging to everyone about her much younger beau. What everyone doesn’t know, is that the handsome younger man has been hired by this washed up old star to hang on her arm whenever she goes out. Our source thinks there’s a good chance he doesn’t even swing the way of our celeb. Not Demi Moore. (BuzzFoto via Blind Gossip)

My guess is Janice Dickinson who has been skipping around with a young firefighter-type? I would say Madonna, but I doubt she pays Baby Jesus. They were meant to be together. It's in the bible.

There’s a pharmacy in Los Angeles that is frequented by lots of actors who live in the area. Like many pharmacies, they have a tape line on the floor set about six feet away from the pharmacy counter so that the customer is ensured some privacy. The person behind the counter on this occasion, however, was apparently not well-trained on the concept of privacy.

“Do you need a consultation with the pharmacist for the Denavir?” they asked rather loudly. “No,” responded the actor, who signed something, grabbed the bag, and quickly walked away. Hopefully the piles of money he’s making on this successful drama will dull the pain of having the gift that keeps on giving. We also wonder if his co-workers have a clue. (Blind Gossip)

A better blind item would be who doesn't eat Denavir in Hollywood. I'll guess Jeremy Piven, because...well....he's Jeremy Piven.

Which celebrity mom is a secret smoker? She puffs away in private and then hides the smell by applying lots of Purell and perfume. Plus, she chews gum after lighting up to mask her breath. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

If only this was Michelle Duggar, because we all know her uterus could use a cigarette or thirty. I'll go with the obvious guess, Kate Gosselin?

It's times like this that I am so proud to live in NYC, the magical land of fuck bombs! Last year, local news anchor Sue Simmons delivered one of my favorite catchphrases of 08": "What the fuck are you doing?!" Well, local Fox anchor Ernie Anastos topped Sue by telling the weatherman, "Keep fucking that chicken!" live on air. YES! I love it when anchors get liquored up before going on air. Fuck bomb us, Ernie!

Don't ask me what Ernie meant by that shit. Maybe the weatherman is having an illicit affair with Chicken Cutlets and Ernie let the fucked chicken out of the bag? Who knows, but you know Peta is going to write a long ass letter about this.

And the look on Ernie's co-anchor's face is probably the same look the chicken makes when the weatherman is fucking it.

VIA Popeater

If you want your stomach, ass and heart to simultaneously burst, just eat half of this deliciousness. It's the world's biggest burger/heart-attacker and it comes courtesy of Steve Mallie of Southgate, Michigan. Guinness Book of World Records officially declared it the biggest after the burger weighed in at 185lbs.

Steve, who owns Mallie Sports Grill, said it took them 15 hours total to bake the burger, but it was worth it. Being in Guinness was always one of Steve's dreams. Steve said, ''I've worked my entire life to build this restaurant and being able to have the notoriety of Guinness makes it just that bit more rewarding.''

Steve plans to sell the burger at his restaurant for $499.

Oh, I just want to curl up under that bun and take a nap. Then when I wake up, I can kiss my bong, take a bite out of the burger, roll over and go back to bed. Build a pool full of vodka next to it and there's my heaven.

And will somebody send this picture to Lindsay Lohan's malnourished ass, because bitch will gain 50,000 calories just from looking at it for a few seconds.

VIA Metro UK