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Denise Woodage told a court in the UK that she no longer gets hongray for peen or sausage after witnessing her neighbor Paul Darlow fiddle his dick in his own backyard. 54-year-old Mrs. Woodage said she first spotted Mr. Darlow doing sex to himself back in March of '08. When she complained to the police about it, they immediately installed security cameras. Note to all: Stop tickling your nipples and no-no in your own backyard. Cameras may be watching.

A few months later, Mr. Darlow was caught flashing his nekkidness again and he was arrested for indecent exposure. Mr. Darlow eventually admitted to the court that he did squeeze his skin tube outdoors, but he didn't know anybody could see him. The court wasn't really amused by Mr. Darlow's pubic display of self-fuckery. They jailed him for six weeks and also gave him a Sexual Offenses Prohibition Order which keeps him from showing off his sex parts to the public. They also put him on the Sexual Offenders’ Register for seven years. YES, all of that for just jacking off in his backyard. AND Mr. Darlow's wife left his ass after the trial.

As for Mrs. Woodage, not only is she allergic to men and sausages now, but she also has to take anti-depressents. She told the Reading Post, “I am now on anti-depressants and also sleeping tablets – this has really affected me. There are not many houses in this street and there are a lot of children. I would’ve hated for them to see Darlow flashing. I didn’t even know his name when I first saw him but I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it. He looks younger than he is and he was well-endowed and really hairy. It has put me off men."

The men and sausages of the world issued a statement to Mrs. Woodage: "It's all good, Denise. We were off you years ago."

I'm joking! The men of the world will be weeping for days, because who wouldn't want to cuddle in between one of Mrs. Woodage's chins and slowly brush their fingers through her furbrows? Take a number!

And since she's off dick and sausages now, she probably should change her last name too since it has the word "WOOD" in it.

VIA Fark

For the next few weeks, there will be a paaaaarty every single day on the set of Grey's Anatomy, because Katherine Hagel's annoying ass won't be there. EW's Michael Ausiello confirms that the producers of Grey's allowed Hagel to take a 5-episode hiatus to go shoot a movie called Life As We Know It with Josh Duhamel.

Hagel, who once bitched about working 17-hour days on Grey's, will start her leave of absence this month. Ellen Pompeo is also going to be away at the same time, because she has baby stuff to deal with.

E!'s Kristin reports (SPOILER ALERT) that Hagel's character will get fired when Seattle Grace merges with another hospital and they are forced to downsize.

Hopefully, the producers of Grey's realize it's a paradise without Hagel and they change the locks and burn her trailer down. Better yet, they just have to declare the entire set a "No Smoking or Cunting Zone" and that bitch will spontaneously combust on her own.

Whitney Houston's big comeback concert for Good Morning America aired today, but was actually taped yesterday afternoon, because her voice doesn't do mornings. Even though she didn't have the morning mist fucking with her vocal cords, she still sounded a little cracky (punned on purpose).

Whitney apologized to the crowd of 5,000 fans and explained that she did Oprah earlier, "I've been talking for so long. ... I talked so much, my voice...I shouldn't be talking. I should be singing." THAT BITCH OPRAH! I'm sure Oprah is still mad at Whitney for turning down a little game of "Spin the Dildo" with Gayle back in the early 90s, so she's getting back at her! Oprah sabotaged her ass!

After watching Whitney's performance, it looks like her ass didn't do much singing at all. She let her back-up singers and the audience do the work. Smart thinking. Just hand the mic off. And yes, her voice sounded like Dionne Warwick after smoking 12 packs of Kools, but at least she didn't lip-synch. I'm trying to be positive.

Here's some pictures of Whitney and Bobb Kristina from yesterday's concert.

For some reason, Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe is in Blanco, TX. Maybe she was styling Shelley Duvall for the Roswell UFO Festival? Yeah, who knows, but somehow Chupa ended up passing out in some dude's barn. She probably had too much Starbucks and Adderall and crashed majorly.

Chupa was discovered by some hillbillies who took her to the local taxidermist. It's happened before. Chupa will be fine. I'm sure she'll wake up from her caffeine coma in a couple of days and strut back to Hollywood where she'll shut it down for Eva Mendes and throw bananas at Anne Hathaway. Or something. Yes, I watch her show. Yes, I'm ashamed.

Here's Chupa looking much healthier a few days ago with her husband in Malibu.

Most 3-year-olds are lazy babblers who spend their days pushing Cheerios around, slobbering all over everything and get excited about talking sponges (Just like me!), but not Shiloh Jolie-Pitt! No, Shiloh is already flying planes around the world and making paninis that would melt the tongues of a million Italians. In this week's Life & Style, they take us inside the magical world of a 3-year-old.

Apparently, Shiloh loves is a regular Top Chef judge, because she loves paninis. One special soul told Life & Style that they watched Shiloh and St. Angie share a panini at a cafe in Corsica, "They were talking and seemed really happy to be out with each other." Shiloh was also heard saying that she wants to be an actor like her parents when she gets older. Then she ordered a bottle of the 59' Chateau Hanteillan and asked them to serve it to her on the veranda, because she likes to watch the sunset.

I mean, is next week's cover of Life & Style going to take us into the world of Kourtney Kardashian's fetus? I shouldn't joke, because it probably is!

Personally, I'm still waiting for the twin messiahs shocking "coming out" cover on People: "Yes, we poop our pants! And it smells!"

VIA Cover Awards

Soleil Moon Frye brings out Punky Brewster, but where's Cherie?! - SOW

The rest of RiRi's broke down (but kind of hot) Grace Jones impersonation in Vogue Italia - Egotastic!

Like a Lourdes - Lainey Gossip

Charlie Gibson will take his final bow on ABC World News in January. Diane Sawyer will replace him - Popeater

If you get an "awww" in your heart every time you see a cute furry chick, do not watch this - Towleroad

Heidi Klum and her karate kiddies - Popsugar

In the words of Valerie Cherish: I don't want to see that! - Popoholic

Hongray Hongray KFat is going to EAT US ALL!!!!! - Just Jared

Sophie Monk's serious camel toe situation (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

MiserAlba just needs to put a little L.A. Looks gel in her hair, scrunch for a few minutes and she'd look exactly like my bitchy ass former chola cousin - Hollywood Tuna

HoHan's greatest offer in yeeeeeeears - Holy Moly!

Kat Von D's DJ AM tattoo looks more like Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs - I'm Not Obsessed

Scary Spice knows how to dress - Hollywood Rag

Woody Woodpecker and Tweety Bird together at last - Cityrag

Mrs. Rojo (sans Rojo) arrives on the SATC2 set - ICYDK

Daniel Craig is out-diva-ing Hugh Jackman - Celebitchy

American Idol is getting desperate - Socialite Life

38 years ago today, angels came down from heaven carrying a brilliant lucite pearl, because they believed the world needed more elegance and glamour. As soon as Shauna Sand's perfect toes touched Earth's soil, stripper poles got shinier, titty implants got harder and lucite was born. Yeah, anything they called "lucite" before then was just cheap low-grade plastic, because it had not been blessed by Shauna!

Last night, The Empress of Lucite and her greasy baguette went out to celebrate the most important day in history by gracing the streets of Hollywood with her gorgeous presence. Shauna is so pure of heart, because she is thinking of others on her special day. Speaking of, why are you at work? This is the most important day in history!

You must immediately leave the office, head to the nearest Frederick's, purchase a pair of exquisite lucite heels, go home, place them in the middle of the room, decorate them with lights, kneel before them and thank the heavens above for giving us the gift that is Shauna Sand!

And Shauna didn't wear her main lucite heels last night, because they like to spend the evening before her birthday handing out heels to less fortunate whores on Hollywood Blvd.

42-year-old Lisa Newsome was arrested after she was caught on tape stuffing a 24-can case of beer up her muumuu and shoving several bottles of Coke in her titty area at a convenience store in Zachary, LA. I guess bitch wanted some beer in a bad way that she didn't care about getting a yeast infection. Yes, I'm here all week!

When Lisa was busted by the cops, she admitted that she stole the 20-pound case with help from her thieving snatch. Lisa even offered to demonstrate, but the cops told her to keep her chonies on. Lisa is still in jail on $1,000 bond.

The cops may not want to see Lisa's suction cup pussay at work, but I do! Homegirl has some major skills. Although, if Michelle Duggar ever gets into a life of crime, everybody should be scared. Screw a measly 24-pack, Michelle could swallow up an entire Old Milwaukee Brewery and then some!

VIA We Saw That

Do you know what time it is, class? It's time for another priceless lecture from your favorite professor: Dr. Nag Em (an anagram for Megan) Fox!!! This time around, Megan is getting really personal. All of you Marilyn Monroe fans out there (I'm talking to you, HoHan) might want to wrap your keyboard with Saran wrap, because you will get vommy all over it.

In the new issue of Wonderland Magazine (via The Examiner), Megan queefs, “I basically read every book ever written about Marilyn Monroe. I could end up like that because I constantly struggle with the idea that I think I’m a borderline personality—or that I have bouts of mild schizophrenia. I definitely have some kind of mental problem and I haven’t pinpointed what it is.”

Hmm...Now, I'm not a doctor, but I'm guessing Megan has a severe case of verbal bulimia with just a mild dash of Mememememem Syndrome and maybe a bit of Cockalitis of the throat. The cure is to take 50mgs of STFU every hour on the hour!

Anyone who has seen at least one episode Douche & Cunt Plus 8 knows that Kate Gosselin knows how to slowly rip Jon's nutsack from the root with her words of cuntness and master shank eye (my hero). We know this, but Jon felt the need to state the obvious during an interview with Good Morning America.

Jon cried, "I took a lot of abuse from her. I was put down. She'll call me like, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere."

Is lame fish related to Gay Fish at all, because that would answer many of life's greatest douche mysteries.

Jon went on to moan like a toddler that Kate regularly left him with the child army while she went off trying to make some money, "Well, excuse me, I'm taking care of the kids. She's on book tours, she's doing all these things. You know, she's gone a week. You know, comes back. Packs up and leaves again. I'm standing there like, 'Oh, OK. Your mom's gone again.'"

While it is entertaining watching these two make complete assholes out of themselves in the media, they should really be talking to a team of trained psychiatric professionals in the comfort of a padded room for two.

It's absolutely hilarious that these twats are always whining about how the media won't leave their asses alone, yet they are always butt fucking us with interview after interview. Every time I turn around, one of them is blabbing to someone.

When are they both going to pay a little visit to the Dog Whisperer so that Cesar Milan can put a bark collar on the both of 'em.

Here's some pictures of Ed Hardy's butt buddy and his glamorous mother in Las Vegas a couple of days ago.