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Mackenzie Phillips' full interview with Oprah aired today and shit was intense.

Mackenzie not only said that she had a sexual relationship with her father, John Phillips, after he raped her, but she also said that she became pregnant at the end of their 10-year "affair." Mackenzie wasn't sure if the baby was her father's or her then-husband's, so she had an abortion. After that, she stopped having sex with her father and never let him touch her again.

Yeah, we're going to need scientists to invent some kind of pill just to erase these images from our brains. IT BURNS. My eyelashes are singed.

I'm mad at Oprah for not ending Mackenzie's interview by showing us precious shots of baby bunnies and fluffy puppies wearing kitten costumes. That would've been the time.

Shortly after the interview aired, Michelle Phillips spoke to Showbiz411's Roger Friedman and said Mackenzie is telling lies to sell copies of her book. Hurry, brings out those bunnies in kitten costumes out. It's getting worse.

Michelle pulled out the cunt knife and stuck it in: “She told me, then she called me back and said, ‘You know I’m joking.' I said it wasn’t funny. Mackenzie said, ‘I guess we have different senses of humor.’ John was a bad parent, and a drug addict. But fucking his daughter? If she thinks it’s true, why isn’t she with a good psychiatrist on a couch? I think it’s unconscionable that Oprah would let her do her show. I have every reason to believe it’s untrue. Oprah should be more judicious about who she has on her show."

And stuck it in again: "Mackenzie has a lot of mental illness. She’s had a needle stuck up her arm for 35 years. She was arrested for heroin and coke just recently. She did ‘Celebrity Rehab’ and now she writes a book. The whole thing is timed.”

And AGAIN: “Mackenzie is jealous of her siblings, who have accomplished a lot and did not become drug addicts.”

Um. I guess Michelle hasn't met someone who goes by the name of Bijou Phillips?

Michelle's daughter and Mackenzie's half-sister, Chynna Phillips, told UsWeekly that she found out about it in 1997. Mackenzie called her and dropped that shit right on her head. Chynna said, "I knew it was true. I mean, who in their right mind would make such a claim if it wasn't true?"

I'm going to side with Chynna on this one, because she was in Wilson Phillips and I once won 4th place in a talent show for dancing around to "You Won't See Me Cry" (true story, unfortunately). I owe her one.

Oh, and take your medicine:

Before you watch Aubrey O'Day's inspirational speech about her boobies and body, (NSFW) click here to see a topless picture of her at the opening night of her Las Vegas titty show yesterday. Aubrey's nipples are steaming, because the picture "leaked" and made its way around the internet. Aubrey was forced to call out from her show, because she was up all night talking to her lawyers both domestically AND internationally to get the picture off the internet. No, "talking to the lawyers" is not some new kinky sex act involving scat, Aubrey was actually on the phone with legal people. I think.

In the clip, Aubrey queefs on and on about how we should love our bodies...KUMBAYABLAHBLERBLAHBLER... Then she shows us what she looks like in her au naturale state. Yes. Whenever you need to prove a point, just show your breasts.

The truth is, I've liked Aubrey since she admitted that she was a proud member of the slut club, but I'm not sure why she's that upset about the "leaked" picture. I'm sure this is not the first time hos have made fun of her chichis. I mean, we've seen her titty balls in Playboy, on almost every street corner and in the back pages of L.A. Weekly.

Aubrey just needs to keep on sluttin' and fuck the haters. No, I mean, like she needs to literally fuck her haters. Give it to them good, keep 'em dripping for more and then never give it to them again. Giving a bitch blue balls is the best revenge.

Damn. Look at Tommy Girl puffing out those succulent tits while manhandling Cameron Diaz on the Boston set of Wichita yesterday. Tommy almost looks like a big butch top! Almost. Maybe this will convince Will Smith to let Tommy tame his hole next time. Naw, probably not. Tommy still looks like a kitten wearing a strap-on.

And you know deep down, Tommy wants to be the one wearing the frilly yellow dress. Truth is, his chichis would probably look better in it than Cameron's.

Bethenny Frankel better come out with a Skinny Girl Dramamine-tini, because the world at large is going to need it when Kelly Bensimon of The Real Housewives of New York City flaunts her lopsided tittays in the pages of December's Playboy. That is the worst Christmas present ever.

InTouch Weekly says that Kelly won't bare it all. Thankfully, she's keeping her leather cooch wallet to herself. Kelly's ex-husband, photographer and former Elle creative director Gilles Bensimon, will shoot the pictures. The source added, “Kelly is a former model, so she will be a natural."

This is going to be Playboy's thickest issue, because Kelly's "at war" boobies won't fit on one page together. One titty will be on page 6 while the other will be on page 10. It's going to be like putting a damn puzzle together.

Jude Law's one-time fuck friend, Samantha Burke, gave birth to their daughter. Yes, EVERYONE is giving birth. I'm a little scared, because my stomach has been all kinds of wonky since this morning. I figured it was just the breakfast burrito and Pop Tart I devoured, but since everyone is shooting out a baby, I'm concerned. If a baby head pops out of my no-no, I am officially quitting this bitch! Anyishouldstarttakingbirthcontrol....

People confirms that 24-year-old Samantha birthed Jude's latest child support recipient last night. One of Samantha's friends said, "I doubt Jude was there. Besides the financial support, he's not involved."

Jude and Samantha met last year while he was in NYC shooting Sherlock Holmes. It was supposed to be one of those "bang and bounce" type situations, but since they decided to do that shit raw, they made a baby! This newest baby friend is Jude Law's fourth. He already has three chirruns with Sadie Frost.

Samantha has reportedly named her daughter Sophia, which is short for SophiaWantsHerCheckJude!

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW: If you're trapped in a horror movie, expect to have shitty ass cell phone service - FourFour

Watch your back, Suri, because Shiloh is about to take your crown as the best dressed toddler on the stroll - Popsugar

If you ask me, the newest Sugababe is just a cheap imitation of the last one. They should change the group name to the Splendababes - Hollywood Tuna

Brit Brit is still the classiest Cheetoling at Starbucks - Just Jared

Sophie Anderton does the Kerry Katona - Holy Moly!

Eliza Dushku needs to expand her facial expression repertoire to more than just one - Egotastic!

Doucehbook - Lainey Gossip

Mika says he likes the cooch and the cock - Towleroad

Gay Fish looks really into it (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

That dog is thinking, "baaaaaaaacon" - Cityrag

Uncle Jesse has a new piece - ICYDK

Woody Harrelson claims becoming a vegan cleared up his acne. I'm read this while chomping on a deeeeelicious ham sammy and scratching at a zit - Celebitchy

Brad Pitt may bump it with Sherlock Holmes after all - Socialite Life

Methinks Miley Cyrus types with her teefs - Celebslam

Jordin Sparks' got milk and Photoshop - I'm Not Obsessed

Seth Green's poop bars probably look a little Butterfinger-ish, so this makes sense - Hollywood Rag

Poppin' babies is the theme of September, so Ellen Pompeo joined the club by having her own a few days ago in Los Angeles. Ellen's rep tells UsWeekly that she had a baby girl on September 15th named Stella Luna Pompeo Ivery.

Stella Luna is Ellen and Chris Ivery's first child together.

Stellaluna is also the name of a kiddie book about a bat who is raised by birds. Xtina's bat baby future soulmate was just born!

Not only is Stellaluna the name of a cartoon bat with crack eyes and an uncontrollable tongue, but it also sounds like the name of a light beer. I approve.

This is brought to you by eBay: the land of fried fuckery!

Somebody (*cough*that slut Birdie*cough*) is auctioning off this dick-shaped Chicken McNugget with a starting bid of thirty cents. They say it's about 3 inches long and tastes just like chicken. Almost anyone can deep throat this while tonguing its deep fried balls.

The sad thing is, I've come across dicks in real-life that look just like this. And no amount of BBQ sauce made them delicious. Believe me, I tried.

VIA Urlesque

On The View this morning, the hens were yapping about a major problem currently plaguing New Jersey's Millburn High School, one of the top schools in the nation. Parents and administrators are trying to figure out what to do about a decade-long tradition called "The Slut List." Every year, a group of popular senior girls create a list of the biggest sluts of the incoming freshmen class along with creative descriptions next to their names. Here's some examples:

"I'm so desperate and hairy that I'll give you drugs for free if you get with me."

"Keeping up with the family tradition, fuck me ... and knock me up."

Wait, how did they get a copy of my high school yearbook?

In addition to the slut list, girls also slap stickers on the backs of freshmen with beautiful
complimentary words like "SLUT" and "WHORE" written on them. Hey, that's exactly what I wear to the bars on a Friday night. Idea STEALERS!

An e-mail has already gone out warning students that if found, the slut-makers responsible for the list will be punished.

And some of the students have laughed this shit off, saying it's just a joke. One student said, "It wasn't anything bad ... . What people don't see is it's getting so much better, and it's turned from a bad thing into a fun thing."

Now, that is the slut spirit right there! Fuck making the honor roll! It's all about making the slut list. Why shoot for valedictorian when you can be valedickwhorian?

At my high school, we didn't have an official "slut list." Instead, bitches simply wrote down the names of the sluts (along with their phone numbers) on the urinal wall of the boy's bathroom. Every single day, I would go in there, hoping to see my name....but I never did. Every day, my dreams were crushed and trampled upon.

That's why when I grew up, I created my own slut list. It's called Dlisted.com.

VIA ABC News

Julia Roberts is off in India shooting Queef, Poop, Fart (aka Eat, Pray, Love) and has already made the locals curse her name, because she is invading their LIVES. One local told The Mirror that he can't get into his temple during the holiest time of the year, because Julia's movie is hogging it up.

And the locals are also pissed off, because Julia has a security staff of about 350 people (including 40 gunmen) guarding her family at all times. They say Julia takes a bulletproof car to the set every day while helicopters patrol above. Why didn't they simply ring up Quween on the Scene? Quween can do the job of a million bouncers.

You know, I have a hard time believing this little nugget since there's really no reason for Julia Roberts to have the scareds in India. I mean, cows are sacred there, so why wouldn't horses be sacred too? Yes, I came up with that one all on my own. I'm a big kid now! Next stop: potty training!

(Image VIA Splash)