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Loki's forever friend was arrested last night in London for murder eyeballs with the deadly weapon that is his face. Naw, Mickey Rourke was just playing around with the bobbies (Look at me, I'm English!) while he was taking a smoke break outside of a club. When Mickey saw the cops, he told them to put him in handcuffs. Yeah, I knew Mickey was a nastyfilthyraunchysucioassbitch who liked it kinky. Swoooooon. After the cop realized it was not Freddy Krueger standing before him, he had a laugh. But you know his ass thought about arresting him.

And Mickey should probably consider rolling a little Degree on his slobbery tittays before he goes out.

Over at ONTD, they posted these pictures of Jennifer Garner with her 4-year-old daughter in Boston yesterday and some seem to think that Violet is too old for a binkie or a stroller. Now, I say, MILK IT, Violet! If Jennifer tries to pull you out, kick, scream and call 911! REFUSE to leave that stroller.

I wish I would've never left the stroller. Seriously, imagine spending your days being pushed around in a chair on wheels. That's the life. Walking is pointless. Walking is stupid. Walking is hard.

If Kate Gosselin got stuck in a food dehydrator for a few days causing her ass to shrivel down, she'd look just like this! Here's Kathy Griffin channeling Kate Gosselin with help from a polyester possum wig and fake stretch marks (or tummy tuck scars)!

Kathy doesn't have Kate's signature cunt pout down yet, but she can work on that while biting and throwing shank eye at George Takei. George is going to play Jon opposite Kathy's Kate for a skit on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Now, I would've probably cast Rosie O'Donnell as Jon, but George will work too!

VIA People

This former B list movie actor with A list name recognition who now goes from tv show to tv show on a fairly regular basis was leaving for work the other day when he ran over his neighbor's cat with his car and killed it. The neighbor saw the entire incident and screamed. Our actor stopped the car and took a look at what happened and said, "I don't have time for this right now. I have to get to work. We can talk about it tonight when I get home." He has yet to talk to the neighbor or say he was sorry. (CDAN)

THINK OF THE CATS! My guess is Katherine Hagel? I know it says actor, but Katherine Heigl is made of evil and I have to use her name at least once during a blind item round-up.

Except for one TV series, this lovely actress has done all her work in films. However, she wasn’t quite able to act her way out of an awkward encounter with a computer repair specialist. The actress told him that the screen broke when she dropped her laptop. The service tech took a look at it and then remarked that the damage looked more like someone had punched the screen. After a few awkward seconds, the actress admitted that in fact her husband had done just that. When she asked the computer guy if they could replace it with an unbreakable screen, he jokingly remarked that she’d be better off replacing the guy. “I already have,” she replied. (Blind Gossip)

Robin Wright Penn? Durr.

Last week, this star couple was on the verge of a breakup and there were even rumblings of it online. Now, we hear the PR between the two have come up with some sort of agreement to let the two stay together until the relationship can be milked for a little more. Once it hits its peak then the couple will have a very public breakup and hopefully more publicity and maybe even more high profile roles. Too bad for the couple though, who really can’t stand one another. The couple is not married btw. Not Megan Fox’s mess of a relationship. (BuzzFoto via Blind Gossip)

Squinty and B. Coop? Or LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian?

Mah Boo is obviously thinking of me in this picture with Drew Barrymore. Or maybe he has gas? Same thing, really - Just Jared

In case you want to see the Doritos Girl in a bikini, here you go - Egotastic!

Raggedy Ann is looking BEAT - Popeater

Ditto for Asshole Simpson - Popsugar

Just throw a jaunty green hat on Katharine McPhee and she could easily pass for Sandy Duncan in Peter Pan - Hollywood Tuna

A Big Gay American Idol Wedding (Surprisingly, Gaycrest is not involved) - Towleroad

Panty Creamer of the Day: Hugh on a hog - Lainey Gossip

Drunk yoga - Cityrag

Janice Dickinson sucking the life out of a poor man (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Woody Harrelson: "We're all drug addicts!" - Hollywood Rag

I bet St. Angie's hypnotic vagina is a dead ringer for Voldemort - Celebitchy

Kelly Osbourne used to be on the Paula Abdul diet - I'm Not Obsessed

MiserAlba is smiling. Jotch this date down in your calendar - Popoholic

Ick. Nast. - Holy Moly!

Ty Ty sued - ICYDK

Rocco has moves - Socialite Life

This is a minute long video of an adorable puppy in Japan exposing his privates while trying desperately to get up off the floor. I got a case of the "awwwws" at the very beginning, but after a few seconds of watching his poor ass trying to roll over, I screamed "Sooooomebody help that puppy up!"

There's a lazy ass dog in the background who doesn't even look up. Couldn't that bitch help a homeboy out?! Seriously, somebody in Japan needs to run over to make sure this puppeh friend finally got up. Get him a Life Alert!

And don't laugh, because you know this is going to be you on Tuesday morning after your debauchery-filled three-day weekend.

VIA Best Week Ever

Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who plays King Henry VIII on The Tudors, says that Henry was not really the mega manwhore everyone thinks he was. According to JRM, you can get fucky with at least 20 people before you're considered a ho fo sho.

He explained, “In The Tudors I’ve only slept with like 22 people. In The Tudors I’ve only slept with like 22 people,” he said. “Which is not bad because if I go out in London on a Saturday night and I say to some handsome young dude or some handsome young girl that’s standing in the club: ‘How many people have you slept with this year’? ‘Er about 50′. So it’s not so much. Henry was much more prudish in history than we portray him in The Tudors. But sex happened and sex was very much a matter of state then."

I'll co-sign everything JRM said. Back then, you spent your days stabbing bitches, eating turkey legs (I've been to Medieval Times) and sexing on hos, so 22 people is nothing. Shit, even today 22 dicks is considered pilgrim-ish. Hardcore sluts go through 22 different genitals in one week! If you're Parasite Hilton, your Venus Peen Snatch swallows up 22 wangs while walking down the block.

And let's not get into telling each other how many sex partners we've had. It's just a number! Besides, I don't think the type of math needed to figure out that number has been invented yet.

VIA Showbiz Spy

Can we all get in a time machine and fast forward to September 22nd, so that the summer of death can officially come to an end? This summer has swallowed up another beautiful soul! Scooter, a contender for the title of world's smallest dog, closed his tiny eyes for the final time earlier this week. WHY?!!!!!!!!!

Scooter's owner said he broke his leg after jumping out of her arms. The vet put Scooter's leg in a cast and gave him some medicine to take at home. Sadly, the medicine gave him a stomach ulcer and Scooter flew off to heaven. Just the thought of Scooter's tiny leg in a cast the size of a thimble is making my insides melt. And prepare to melt some more...

Scooter's owner added, "I put him in the box with flowers and a little dove picture to take him to heaven – he looked wonderful."

6-month-old Scooter, who was 8cm tall, 20cm long and weighed 400 grams, was going to try for the title of the smallest dog in the world when he turned 1.

The hole left in my no-heart is bigger than Scooter and it can never be filled. Although, I will try to fill it this weekend with massive amounts of the sweet nectar and Hostess products.

Heaven just got a lot more adorable thanks to Scooter. Insert a zillion and one sad faces here. And no, it's not too early to start bonging and boozing.

Source: Metro (Thanks Dylan)

Just so we're clear, I'm talking about Paris, France and not Paris, Arkansas. Although, I'm sure Jessica Simpson would kill it on the mini-mall catwalks in Paris, AK.

So, Jessica Simpson's Vh1 reality show about beauty took her all the way to France yesterday. Jessica was there to model in a fashion show for designer Ozlem Suer. Jessica managed to not fall off the stage or trip on her own irrelevancy, so it was a job well DONE! Although, Chestica probably should've given her sad wilting chesticles a pep talk before they went out. And by "pep talk," I mean she should've duct taped those hos or slapped a bra on them.

The self-proclaimed inventor of the CAPS-LOCK key (check your encyclopedia) Kanye West just wanted to be left alone while taking his android piece out for a shopping spree in Beverly Hills yesterday, but the paparazzi just wouldn't let him be great!

Kanye was forced to stomp over to one of the paps and drop a CAPS-LOCK key on his ass. Gay Fish was so angry that his nalgas started burning up and his b-hole starting percolating causing his pants to slowly move down out of harm's way. They wanted to be far far away when Kanye's ass exploded.