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It's not really news that Edward Furlong is a slave to the bottle and the pipe (blame Little Chrissy), but recently he claimed he was cleaner than a baby's nipple. Apparently not. TMZ got a hold of restraining order filed by Eddie's estranged wife claiming that he smokes crack and also threatened to do hood rat stuff on her ass.

Rachael Bella, who filed for divorce from Eddie last July, said he Ike Turnered her several times by pushing and grabbing at her. According to Rachael, Eddie also told her he was going to hire some people to beat her with chains and bats. IN THIS ECONOMY, the abuelita mafia must be taking outside jobs now.

In the documents, Rachael also said that the Pete Doherty of America "is smoking cocaine" and constantly acts the fool. A judge gave a thumbs up to the order and now Eddie has to keep away from Rachael.

This is the same loontardian who was arrested a few years ago after he freed lobsters from a grocery store in Kentucky for Peta (I'm sure crack was involved). If only Eddie treated his wife the same way he treats his lobster friends.

You might have been wondering why your stomach is growling more than usual this morning. No, it wasn't the bad jizz you ate last night. It was your stomach sensing that it's about to go through some serious shit, because reportedly a Sarah Silverman/Jimmy Kimmel sex tape is about hit the internet. Yeah, you probably won't hear from your genitals for a few days. They aren't going to come out until it's safe.

Zack Taylor (via ONTD) says that some source sent him a few screen shots that are supposedly of Jimmy Kimmel giving it to Sarah Silverman missionary-style (BORING!). Apparently, the 15-minute tape that was shot a few years ago is being shopped around. The source added that Sarah and Jimmy bumped tittays on tape while on vacation at some resort. When they left, they forgot to take the camera with them and a resort employee got their hands on it. That's the story.

Based on the screen shots alone, that could be absolutely anybody or anything. It could be Guillermo, it could be Jon Grosselin, it could be Kate Gosselin's possum head, it could be Khloe Kardashian without her weave on or it could be my Uncle Werner after getting his back waxed.

Let's just pretend this post never happened. I mean, porn isn't supposed to make your fuck parts sad.

UPDATE: A rep for both Jimmy and Sarah says it isn't them in the sex tape. Wait, so maybe it is my Uncle Werner after all!

Grass is green, today is Wednesday, Lady CaCa's hermie peen gets hard in the morning and Kanye West had himself another hissy fit tantrum. But this wasn't about Taylor Swift or Beyonce, this was about CHICKEN! Finally, Kanye's b-hole pops over something worthwhile.

According to Vibe (via C+D), Kanye was backstage at Common's benefit show in Hollywood over the weekend when he noticed that everyone was nibbling on chicken but him! Even Sylvia Browne could have predicted what was going to happen next. Kanye, who is a 6-year-old cunty girl in the body of a gay fish, immediately squeezed his internal CAPS-LOCK key (aka his prostate) and shouted at the server, "Why wasn't I offered chicken? You want me to perform for free, and everyone is eating... why am I not eating?" The server then took Kanye by the hand, stood him up, gave him a "pow pow" on the nalgas and told him to count to 10 in the corner.

After that, the waitress told him that he didn't ask for any chicken, in which Kanye responded with, "Well, I'm asking now!" When the queen diva cunt finally got his chicken, he took one bite out of it and threw it in the trash.

I was right on Kanye's side until I read that he threw the chicken in the trash. You do not waste chicken. The saying is "keep fucking that chicken" not "keep trashing that chicken." I really mean it this time when I say that Kanye needs an army of abuelitas to set his bitch ass straight. It's going to take more than one. This boy needs a thorough switch whoopin' by a group of highly-trained abuelitas. BITCH BOGUS!

Why does Lamar Odom look like he's breaking into his own wedding shot? Notice how he's creeping on in like "Remember me?!" No, we don't. And Khloe Kardashian won't remember his ass either in a couple of months when this bootleg marriage calls it a day.

So, this is what $300,000 bought OK! Magazine. I hope they kept the receipt, because this wasn't even worth two food stamps and a punch card from Arby's. Let's be real, it farts volumes that dim, dude and dumb are sitting in the front while Lamar has been shoved to the back like a prop. And I don't know why Khloe let this happen, because she should be pissed that she's the bride, yet she's the fugliest thing in that shot. Shit, they should've thrown the veil on Lamar. Dude would've made a better bride. I mean, they couldn't use the "de-beast" tool on Khloe to keep her from looking like a fat skunk (no offense to Mr. Bumble) who is staring at us like we're a bacon and butter sandwich?

If OK! Magazine wanted to put a man-on-man wedding on their cover, they should've went with Michael K. Cole and Jamil Smith's luxurious affair. Because this shit right here.....is....well...it's just shit. Poop and simple.

New on Wii, "Pin the fist in the SJP" - Provolone

Runners-up:

Neigh means Neigh, now take your human hand outta my asshole! - El Bastardo

One of the many disturbing photos found on Mr. Ed's stolen laptop. - Master Blaster

just when you thought Ikea ran outta ideas
they come out with FlickaNascopy coffee table - Flatbush Hooker IS BACK

(Thanks Michael C.)

Mr. Bumble - The fat skunk of the UK who is built like KFed! Mr. Bumble is not only a hot slut because I've never seen a fatty fat fat skunk before, but he also has a special place in my cholesterol-filled no-heart for being addicted to bacon and butter sandwiches! If I was a fat skunk (which I practically am), I'd only eat bacon and butter sandwiches too.

Unfortunately, Mr. Bumble has been told he needs to put the bacon down. Mr. Bumble's previous owner passed him over to animal protective services when they realized he was getting too fat and they couldn't take care of him (aka cheap fucks wanted to stop buying the bacon). Mr. Bumble is now living at an animal park where they don't even let him sniff bacon, let alone let him eat it. SAAADS!

Mr. Bumble, who weighs 14lbs, has to lose 5 or 6lbs.

The owner of the animal park told the BBC, "We're now working on dieting him down to what he should be. Clearly bacon butties are not a normal part of a skunk's diet in the wild. We're putting him on the vegetarian option at the moment. It's very much like a human weight watching issue."

Now, I'm not a doctor, but my Sims is, so I can say with complete confidence that this is obviously just a thyroid problem. Eating greens and melon isn't going to do anything. In fact, it will most likely have the opposite effect. That's why they should give Mr. Bumble his bacon back (I don't mean that).

Fran Drescher (52)
Keisha Buchanan (25)
T-Pain (26)
Lacey Chabert (27)
Kieran Culkin (27)
Michelle Marsh (27)
Dominique Moceanu (28)
Martina Hingis (29)
Candice Michelle (31)
Marion Cotillard (34)
Jenna Elfman (38)
Trey Anastasio (45)
Monica Bellucci (45)
Eric Stoltz (48)
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Barry Williams (55)
Victoria Tennant (59)
Rula Lenska (62)
Marilyn McCoo (66)
Len Carou (70)
Johnny Mathis (74)
Cissy Houston (76)
Angie Dickinson (78)

Detective La Toya Jackson is spreading her knowledge of mystery-solving over in England! La Toya is also there, because she's always wanted to walk the same streets as her personal hero and mentor (in her head) Sherlock Holmes. True story. And while Det. La Toya was walking the charming streets, she probably wondered why the children were throwing Reese's Pieces at her. This should explain it:

And that's a compliment if you think about it, because E.T. in drag was pretty much thee glamorous moment of 1982.

But seriously, I really hope La Toya is over in the UK, because she's working on making my one dream in life come true (I might be exaggerating for dramatic purposes).