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Unfortunately, this isn't about a feature film version of Rebbie Jackson's musical piece of art Centipede. I wish. No, this post is about a horror movie that is currently making people heave up their vitals organs and cry for their dealers on the film festival circuit.

Shock Till You Drop's got the synopsis:

Two American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany they end up with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day they awake to find themselves trapped in a terrifying make shift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. A German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins.However his three "patients" are not about to be separated, but joined together in an horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric system, in doing so bringing to life his sick lifetime fantasy "the human centipede".

So all you whores out there better beware when you answer a Craigslist ad asking for "ass-to-mouth," because this could be what he's talking about! Bring some lip chap and a breath mint, because you could be there for a long ass time.

And this movie could also be called "Just A Regular Night At Russell Brand's House." Well, sans the whole "surgically attaching bitches to each other's gastric systems" thing. Sucio!

(Thanks White Lightning)

Dame Elizabeth Taylor has a serious memawboner for her longtime friend/business partner Kathy Ireland. Ever since the new season of Dancing with the Stars started, Liz has been singing Kathy's praises on her Twitter account. You'd think she was talking about Shauna Sand.

It's just Kathy Ireland! I know she changed the face of TV with her thrilling portrayal of Brittany Maddocks on four episodes of Melrose Place, but DAMN! Here's what Dame Liz had to say about the glowingly beautiful Kathy:

I'm so excited to see Kathy Ireland on Dancing With The Stars! She is so beautiful.
1:52 PM Aug 17th from web

To watch her in movement will be a golden chance to see beauty in action and grace which is what that lady is all about.
1:54 PM Aug 17th from web

She is beauty personified because it glows from within and takes her on wing.
1:54 PM Aug 17th from web

All of you who are watching Kathy Ireland on DWTS tonight...please vote for her. The # is on the screen. She's so gorgeous, isn't she!
5:13 PM Sep 22nd from web

Saw Dancing With The Stars tonight. Didn't think the judges were fair to Kathy Ireland.
about 15 hours ago from web

Kathy was delightful, gorgeous and fit the music they chose perfectly. If they ever do a remake of The King and I she should star in it.
about 15 hours ago from web

You know Dame Elizabeth set up a calling room in her mansion and makes her main gays dial for Kathy all night. They only take breaks to rub one of Kathy Ireland's lamps from Lamps Plus for luck.

If Kathy ever gets voted out, the judges better sleep with a taser between their crotch, because Dame Elizabeth will be coming for them!

(Thanks Stormy)

Shortly after TLC announced they were dropping the Jon from Jon and Kate Plus Eight, InTouchWeekly queefed out the news that he has hit the pause button on his divorce from Kate. Right on cue!

Jon and Kate's marriage was officially going to be fed to her rabid possum head in November, but now he's asking the court to delay it for 90 days. In the documents, Jon states: “Even though we were heading for a divorce, it appeared that Kate had been suffering from this divorce as much as I had. That’s why I asked my attorney to put the brakes on this divorce so I could try to regain control over the future of our family. So Kate and I could join on a cooperative course that would benefit our family — not destroy it. I regret my conduct since Kate and I separated [on June 22]. I used poor judgment in publicly socializing with other women so soon.”

HAHAHA! I love how Jon is backpedaling his Big Wheel now that his checking account is in danger of going into overdraft. This is Jon's way of licking on TLC's butt dingles, because if he's not on the show, he's not getting a check. If he's not getting a check, how he is going to keep his tittays slathered in Ed Hardy and Hailey Glassman's bong filled with the good shit?

And Jon's lawyer is the fucking best. He confirmed that Jon put a stop to the divorce and added this, “He is hoping to inspire his wife to become less rigid, inflexible and controlling and open up. We’re hoping Jon and Kate can sit down together and start exploring what to do about their situation. Once they do that, the rest will fall into place.”

Something tells me that the headline on tomorrow's morning paper will be: "JON GOSSELIN'S LAWYER MAULED BY A RABIES INFECTED BEAST."

Here's Bruce Jenner arriving at Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom's big gay monster wedding on Sunday looking like a roasted basketball. I'm sure Kobe and Lamar accidentally played ball with Bruce's face during the reception. Anyway, TMZ is saying that Khloe and Lamar didn't actually get married on Sunday as expected. Khloe and Lamar's lawyers still have their dicks out and are trying to work out the whole prenup thing.

Once the prenup is signed, Khloe and Lamar will get married for real real. That's if their relationship lasts that long. Lamar might not want to marry Khloe when she forces him to shave her back during a full moon.

The only reason they went on with the fake wedding is so that E! could capture the beautiful famewhoring moments on camera in time for the season premiere of Keeping Up with the Kardashians in December.

And this is exactly why prenups are the work of the devil! They keep true soulmates like Khloe and Lamar from uniting as one in the eyes of the state and God! Actually, I should keep God out of this. It's hard to unite in front of him when he's giving you the side-eye.

These New Moon posters should come in butt dildo form for the Twitards - Just Jared

Jennifer Ellison is really really really pregnant - Egotastic!

Is RiRi wearing a hat the conductor of the Pope Mobile wears? - Hollywood Tuna

Brendan Fraser is built like a lesbian gym teacher - Lainey Gossip

When did Gene Wilder become such a fashionista? - Holy Moly!

By the looks of St. Angie, she went to the grocery store just to browse - Popsugar

Daisy Lowe dressed up like a whory version of Animal from the Muppets (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ick. Nast. - Hollywood Rag

Mel Gibson wants his DUI exorcised from his record - Popeater

Glamberace rides his magical unicorn all the way to the #2 spot on Amazon's music charts - Towleroad

Penny Cruz looking absolutely disgustingly fug in Vanity Fair Magazine (served with a heaping serving of sarcasm foam) - Popoholic

Marilyn Manson was just suffering from a serious case of the attentionwhore-itis -ICYDK

Dorian Lord will never let this happen - SOW

Rebecca Gayfart definitely has a McFetus in there - Socialite Life

Deep fry the Big Mac Panini and you'll have my favorite new snack - Cityrag

Justin Timberlake dumped Jessica Biel because he just couldn't take the fact that her penis was bigger than his - I'm Not Obsessed

Why, why, why don't I ever get invited to weddings like this?! Probably because everyone knows I will burst into flames (DON'T YOU DARE) of excitement and set the sprinklers off. But I have a feeling that even a typhoon of water couldn't damper the spirits of this ultra elegant affair. The unicorns defended this wedding with all their might!

These glittery pictures are from the Atlanta wedding of Michael K. (we are definitely soulgays) Cole and Jamil Smith Cole. This wedding was perfection from the crystal tear drop wedding cake to the flower women.

Michael K. Cole himself was an exquisite masterpiece. It looks like Liberace just gave him a makeover. Have you ever seen a more beautiful manbride? NO, you definitely have not! I mean, his masterpiece eyebrows, his silky Vampire Gaystat mane, his spray-painted on beard (a real beard would never ever get near that beautiful face) and his silvery tuxedo train....it's really all too much.

They didn't even need to throw rice at this wedding! There was no need, because when Michael K. Cole entered the room, glitter fell from the skies. It was the gayngels crying tears of happiness over this exquisiteness.

The New York City Medical Examiner has ruled DJ AM's cause of death as an accidental drug overdose. They added that in their opinion he didn't commit suicide.

The toxicology report shows that a bunch of drugs were found in his system at the time of his death. A shit load, actually. A Paula Abdul-load. You get the picture.

The M.E. said they found cocaine (crack or powder), OxyContin, Xanax, Vicodin, Ativan, Benadryl, Klonopin and Levamisole (a drug used to cute cocaine). The M.E. wouldn't say whether or not DJ AM had any prescriptions for the stuff found in his system.

The full report will not be released to the media.

The ratings for Douche & Kunt Plus Hate are at their lowest ever, so it's no surprise that TLC is trying to save the sinking possum by making major changes. They announced that they are divorcing Jon Gosselin (sort of) and will now focus on Kate.

Starting this November, Jon & Kate Plus Eight will become Kate Plus Eight. I guess they didn't like my idea of calling it The Possum Hour of Cuntness. Boo on them. They issued this statement:

"The program will continue to capture the incredible lives of the eight Gosselin children and their family but will now include a deeper focus on Kate’s role in the family and her journey as a single mother building the next chapter in her life. TLC will continue its exclusive relationship with Jon Gosselin and he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.

Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family. The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers. Additionally the network is in development on a Kate project for 2010”

Basically, Jon is going to be a special guest star in his children's lives.

While I think it was a good idea for TLC to temporarily remove the tampon known as Jon from their vag hole, I think they should fire the child army too. This show should only focus on Kate's acts of cuntness. They should put her in situations that really bring the cunt hurricane out of her. You know, send her to the DMV, get her hairdresser to accidentally shave off her rabid possum head or randomly throw Hailey Glassman in Kate's line of fire.

The show can also touch on her rabid possum's dark and dysfunctional childhood. That's the shit we (aka just me) want to see.

Last week, Conan O'Brien slipped, fell and wrecked his head while shooting a skit. Conan was taken to the shop to get repaired and rotated. Conan was back on last night and showed the footage of him breaking his head. And just as I suspected.....THE SNATCHER IS TO BLAME! Snatcher led him to that fall!

During the skit, Conan and Teri Snatcher raced on a slippery floor (her idea, probably). When Conan went down, Snatcher kept on smilin' and claimed her victory. Yes, while Conan's brains were slowly turning into boxed mashed potatoes and his eyeballs were about to fall out of their holes, she rejoiced!

Conan got up and continued on with the jokes. If that shit was me, I would've been trying to beat Teri's ass! It would've been like trying to hit a pinata while blind-folded and drunk (due to the concussion and all DUH), but I still would've given it a try. Because I thoroughly believe that when your ass falls, the only way to fully recover is to whoop the ass of the trick laughing at you!

And no, not CAPS-LOCK rehab. The internet couldn't take it if Kanye West stopped dry humping on his CAPS-LOCK key. Nope. But some sources are telling Star Magazine that there's a chance Kanye could have a problem with the sweet nectar. Before Kanye ripped Taylor Swift's heart out of her chester at the VMAs, he had been getting intimate with a bottle of Henny all night. So of course, Henny took the fall for his verbal barf fest, and now Kanye might go off to rehab to try to erase his wrong.

MSNBC's The Scoop says that sources close to Kanye haven't heard about him checking into the tank right after he finishes his Fame Kills tour with Lady CaCa in a few months. Kanye's spokeswhore also wouldn't comment on this.

This is my question, is there such thing as solo rehab? Because the quickest way to get a drunk reaching for their poison is to put Kanye West in the same room as them. That will make you fuck your sobriety directly in the asshole. Seriously, they should add a 13th step: Keep away from all things Kanye-related!