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Sarah Jessica Parker stuffed her veiny hooves (which kind of look like pesto chicken) into a pair of Louboutins (pronounced: overpriced shit) for the first day of filming on Sex (Only With The Help Of Replens) and the Retirement Community 2. That means you will probably see endless amounts of pictures of the 3 hags and Mrs. Rojo Caliente frolicking all over NYC while filming this mess. I can't wait to see Samantha working a Louis Vuitton colostomy bag.

Personally, I'm excited about this for one reason and one reason only: Possibly new pictures of the reclusive gayelle unicorn that is ROJO CALIENTE!!! YES! It's been ages. I tried to lure her out by leaving a trail of Home Depot coupons, but it didn't work.

First of all, try to control yourself. I know Phil Spector's mug shot always makes you want to run out to the nearest costume shop, buy a Scrooge mask, boil it for 5 hours, let it cool and then wet hump it until you go raw....but you must resist. Just this time.

So...600-year-old Phil Spector is currently in the chokey for murdering Lana Clarkson. Phil is crying about the conditions and wants them to do something about it! Dude already wears a diaper, so it's no surprise that he's acting like a baby.

Phil is being moved out of the California Substance Abuse Treatment Facility & State Prison after he told officials that he feels like bitches are going to kill his ass in there. When Phil was told they were moving him to the Pleasant Valley State Prison in Coalinga, he freaked out again and said the place is riddled with Valley Fever. Apparently, 16 inmates died at the prison from Valley Fever within the past 4 years. Phil think he's next.

Phil's trophy wife is also whining for him and she told Page Six, "They are sending Phil there to die. He is scared to death. When I saw him on Saturday, he was shaking . . . He's 70 years old and 130 pounds . . . We are trying to appeal over this, but he's been told he has no time. He's already been given his bus pass out of Corcoran."

The prison officials should show Phil what's it's really like to suffer and throw him in a jail cell filled with mirrors. Seriously, I'd rather spend the rest of my life locked in one of the houses on Hoarders than have to look at that face of fugness every single day. Phil would be begging for a lethal injection shot up the ass in no time.

Yesterday, CNN released a short clip of Chris Brown's interview with Larry King (which airs Wednesday) where he says he doesn't "wow, remember, like, wow" beating Alien Princess RiRi. Well, the second coming of Ike Turner released a loooooong ass statement crying about how Larry King basically pushed him into saying he got a shot of amnesia. This is what the WOW MC had to say. Blame it on the zombie:

There have been reports on the Internet that I didn't remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight.

That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like 4 or 5 times -- and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said.

The first four times – or how ever many times it was - I gave the same answer -- which was that I didn't think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn't fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, "Do you remember doing it?" and I said, "No."

Of course I remember what happened. Several times during the interview, my mother said that I came to her right afterwards and told her everything. But it was and still is a blur. And yes, I still can't believe it happened because it is not me or who I am or is what happened like anything I have ever done before.

As I have said several times previously, I am ashamed of and sorry for what happened that night and I wish I could relive that moment and change things, but I can't. I take full responsibility for my actions. What I have to do now is to prove to the world that this was an isolated incident and that is not who I am and I intend to do so by my behavior now and in the future.

If Chris didn't want to talk about it, why in the hell was he on Larry King? Did he think he was there to discuss how purdy his little boy blue outfit was? I love it when celebwhores say shit like "I don't want to discuss that" during interviews. Then take your ass out of there and stop wasting everyone's time.

And Larry has battled dinosaurs, lived through the dark ages and fought in the war of 1812, so the likes of Chris Brown throwing the blame on him isn't going to affect him at all. Actually, I don't even think Larry King knows who Chris Brown is. Pepaw probably thought he was interviewing Buster Brown (the bow tie gave it away).

(Image: Johnny Louis/Wenn.com)

When Detective La Toya dedicated her single "Home" to her brother she said that she wasn't going to do any press for it or make a music video. Weeeeeeeeeeeell, she didn't mean any of that, because here's a video for the song. Toy Toy made it for all of her fans (aka her plastic surgeon and me). The video can be downloaded at iTunes and all proceeds go to the Toy Toy Will Get To The Bottom of Everything Foundation. No, proceeds go to AIDS Project LA.

The video, which I'm pretty sure was directed by Olan Mills, shows a virginal Toy Toy reminiscing about her childhood while trolling around Mimi's "Always Be My Baby" set. It's a truly precious video, but I kept waiting for Joe Jackson to pop out from behind that tree with a switch in his hand.

VIA La Toya Experience (Thanks Ego)

Everybody, please gather around, hold hands and bow your heads for Michelle Duggar's lady parts, because they are going to go through some fucked up traumatic shit for like the zillionth time! Jim Bob, Michelle and their massive neverending child army were on Today this morning where they announced that they are expecting baby #19!!!!! Yes, the baby addict is getting her fix again! BABEHS just keep popping out of that clown car vag!

The 42-year-old babyhead told Meredith Vieira, "We are so thrilled. We just couldn't believe it is happening." Jim Bob added, "This never gets old. We are so grateful for each child. We are looking forward to our first grand baby and our 19th child."

Never gets old?! Tell that to Michelle's uterus! That poor thing has been holding up a white flag since baby #10 and nobody is listening. When baby #19 is about to come somersaulting out, Michelle's uterus is going to grab on to its feet while screaming "TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!" All it wants to do is to get out of that crazy bitch's body, head to the nearest crack house and drown its pain in the bad shit. Do you blame it? Even Ken Seeley from Intervention is shaking his head and saying, "Do you what you gotta do, Duggar Uterus."

Michelle added that she knows at her age there are certain risks (i.e. her pussy could fall off and throw itself into incoming traffic). Michelle says as far as she knows, her fetus is doing well. Michelle and the entire family would know! If they want to check on her fetus, they just have to pack a few granola bars, crawl into her vag, skip down her pussy tunnel toward her womb and wave to the fetus. Seriously, when Michelle is done being a human popcorn machine, she can open up a theme park in there. WOMBLAND!

Michelle and Jim Bob's oldest child, Joshua, is also expecting a baby friend this October with his wife. Michelle 3-months pregnant and is due in the spring.

In case you didn't know, all of the Duggars 18 children have names starting with the letter J. Michelle said that the family has already printed up a list of J names for boys and girls that they haven't used yet. How about "JUSTSTOPTHISFUCKERYALREADY Duggar"?

And here's a list of all of the Duggar children. While reading it, you might want to pet your vag and reassure it that you will never ever do this to it:

1. Joshua James, 21
2. Jane Marie, 19
3. John-David, 19
4. Jill Michelle, 18
5. Jessa Lauren, 16
6. Jinger Nicole, 15
7. Joseph Garrett, 14
8. Josiah Matthew, 13
9. Joy-Anna, 11
10. Jedidiah Robert, 10
11. Jeremiah Robert, 10
12. Jason Michael, 9
13. James Andrew, 8
14. Justin Samuel, 6
15. Jackson Levi, 5
16. Johanna Faith, 3
17. Jennifer Danielle, 2
18. Jordyn-Grace, 8 months

VIA Popeater

No! I'm not going! How can I show my face in that party now? Aren't you even the slightest bit embarrassed that we're wearing the SAME DRESS!? - angel_i

Runners-up:

With his eyes covered, the poor sheep can't see that he is about to marry someone well below his class. - mzmarymac

Somebody should have told her that she could have found a husband years ago if she'd have simply worn that dress to West Virginia and bent over a fence. - City Barbie

K-Fed figured he would grow out his hair...to detract attention from his expanding waistline. - Disraeli Ears

VIA Funpic

Dawn Fraser - A four-time Olympic gold medalist, contestant on Australia's Dancing with the Stars and now an expert dick bone kicker. You know, one of the rules of life is that you don't fuck with (or annoy) a memaw, because they just don't give a dick. Especially a memaw on vacation! Some dude who was trying to rob 71-year-old Dawn learned this lesson the hard way.

Dawn said she was at her daughter's house when a man broke through the front gate and came at her, "This guy came out of the gate and grabbed me and I grabbed him by the ear and I kicked him in the groin. So he had to let me go. He threatened my life and I got really annoyed about that and just grabbed him by the ear and the hair. I have got a titanium knee so it must have hurt him. I came up for a holiday and here I am being threatened with my life and all our sort of security has been taken."

The cops were called and two dudes were arrested.

That's right. Who cares if they threatened to kill her ass, they threatened to eff up her vacation and that is worse. Annoying is right! Keep breaking evil bitches with your titanium knee, Dawn.

(For Micah)

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