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MiserAlba's cuntface was at the top of its game yesterday as she shuffled around in Los Angeles with a brand new shiny red mop on top of her head. You know, usually a touch of a fiery ginge should make your nipples whistle and your mouth assume the smiley position, but MiserAlba wasn't having it. Can't say I blame her ass this time. The new red hair brings out the asshole in her. Specifically, the Asshole Simpson. Seriously, MiserAlba looks like she has chronic acid reflux disease.

If I was MiserAlba, I wouldn't play around with that red. I'd immediately dip that shit in a bowl of brown RIT. Looking like Ashlee Simpson will only bring her trouble. I mean, does she want to look out her window to find Papa Joe jerking his daisy to her? Yea, no. Bitch needs to put some Feria on it!

Also, it looks like MiserAlba has taken a laser to the tattoo she had on the back of her neck. Meanwhile, her horrific tramp stamp lives on! That was the one that needed to go. Whoever told MiserAlba that her b-hole is a gift to us all was wrong.

If you listen up closely you'll hear Minnesota's Simoni Lawrence tell us why he's lying down with his hand on his peen. Yeah, some motherfucker hit his penis and Simoni doesn't seem that happy about it. Shit, if some motherfucker hit my penis, I'd probably ask them what their sign is and offer to buy them a drink. That is a straight-up come-on!

By the way, this just confirms that fluffers are needed in the NFL. I volunteer and will work for Mother's Circus Animal Cookies. I mean, that man's penis needs rehabilitation!

VIA Deadspin

One of Khloe and Lamar's more expensive items on their wedding registry - Migs

Runners-up:

We get it, Tommy Lee, you have a big weiner, but this is just overkill. - TFBuckFutter

Pamela Anderson's boob washer. Lather, rinse, repeat. - GrandmaJ

The Ronco Wide-Stance Urinal, endorsed by Sen. Larry Craig. - Tyroan

(Thanks James)

Kitten Kay Sera & Kisses (aka KKK) - You might have seen Kitten Kay and her dog Kisses on The Dog Whisperer or a dozen other shows. For the past 25 years, Kitten Kay has only worn the color pink. Throw the color black on her ass and she'll turn into a pile of melted down cotton candy. Speaking of cotton candy, do you think her lady bush looks like cotton candy? Anyway, Kitten Kay has dragged her dog Kisses into her all-pink world. She regularly dyes Kisses the color pink to match her.

Below is a short clip of Kitten Kay and Kisses singing "The Pepto -Bismol" song. You know, I think this is what it looks like inside Clay Gayken's pink hole. Exactly like this.

(For Saoirse)

Dita Von Teese (37)
Frankie Jonas (9)
Hilary Duff (22)
Melody Thornton (25)
Bam Margera (30)
Naomi Watts (41)
Carré Otis (41)
Mira Sorvino (42)
Ginger Fish (43)
Moon Unit Zappa (42)
Janeane Garofolo (45)
Suzanne Whang (47)
John Sayles (59)
Jeffrey Jones (63)
Brigitte Bardot (75)

The wart hogs of the world can breathe a sigh of relief tonight, because Khloe Kardashian will not be out hunting them at midnight like usual. That's because she'll be too busy barfing up the essence of holy matrimony! Khloe Kardashian is officially someone's wife! Actually, the wedding might have been just for show since they haven't worked out the prenup yet. Anychynasclitistinglingoverthis...

People confirms that Khloe Kardashian married Lamar Odom in Beverly Hills tonight after dating for about three and a half minutes. The two became husband and beast in front of 250 guests including Ryan Gaycrest, Kelly Osbourne, Kobe Bryant, Lara Spencer, Chelsea Handler, Lala Vasquez and a dozen cameras from E!. Yes, it was as intimate as Katie Couric's colon exam.

Khloe was walked down the aisle by Bruce Jenner, his old face, Kim Kardashian, Kim's fat ass and Kourtney. She wore a gown made by Vera Wang and the guests gave her an A+++ for her tuck game. Khloe's bridesmaids included her two half-sisters Kendall and Kylie who entertained the weddings guests with their pole dancing skills.

The wedding went off without a hitch. Well, there only one awkward moment. When white doves were released during the ceremony, Khloe jumped up into the air, caught one with her mouth and bit its head off. It's instinct!

Let's all stick our asses up in the air and fart one out for the newest spokescouple for marriage and true love! I'm sure they'll prove us hating bitches wrong (no they won't).

Gird your loins, because I know this picture of Courtney Love snuggling up to Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is giving you the dry heaves in your crotch area. OW!

Courtney and Hugo instantly became one at a screening for Oliver Stone's new documentary in NYC last week. Court told the NYDN that she noticed Hugo giving her the sex eye from across the room. That's when Court made her move. Court queefed, "It was the third wink that sold me. He's a sexy dawg. He invited me to visit his country and I'd like to go. I'll rock Caracas!"

Yeah, I'm sure she'll rock Hugo's caracas (PASS THE EYE CLOROX). Courtney thinks that if she plays her pussy right she can be the new first lady of Venezuela. Actually, I take that back. Courtney probably doesn't even know who Hugo Chavez is. Courtney gets all her news from her hallucinations.

When Court was first introduced to Hugo, you know she screamed about how much she loved his coffee.

This is why we can't have nice things! This story of harebrained fuckery comes from the UK. Several hos who were driving along the street noticed that there was a gorilla running beside them. These dumb ass bitches called the police screaming about how there was an escaped gorilla on the loose. A gorilla in sneakers! When the cops arrived, they found that the "wild gorilla" was actually 45-year-old Rory Coleman in a gorilla costume. Rory had put on the costume for a charity marathon for The Gorilla Organization. This is some Trading Places shit!

The cops had a laugh and gave Rory several pounds as a donation. Rory told The Sun, "I told the police I'd come quietly as long as they gave me a banana."

This is why you don't drive right after dropping acid. If the drivers didn't call it in as a joke, then they really need a lobotomy. Give them a monkey's brain, because I can't even.....

Well, now Rory knows how Khloe Kardashian feels on a daily basis. You don't know how many times zookeepers have tried to lure her back to the zoo with bananas.

Dr. Drew, come and get this woman AGAIN! Tawny Kitaen, a graduate of Celebrity Rehab and one of the original videos ho, was arrested in Santa Ana, CA yesterday for driving under the influence.

Sgt. Shontel Sherwood (hottest officer name of the week) of the Newport Beach Police Department told the Associated Press that she was arrested at 3 in the afternoon after officers believed she was fucked up on booze or the bad shit while driving her Range Rover. Tawny was later released on $2,500 bail.

This wasn't Tawny's first time in a jail cell. Tawny was arrested back in 2006 after the po po found 15 grams of Lohan powder in her apartment.

Okay, I know the bad shit messes with your brains, but why would you get behind the wheel of a car when you're riding high? That is the quickest way to getting caught. Flag down a bus! Hitch on to the back of a truck! Ride a pot-bellied pig! TAKE A KAYAK!

Directed Roman Polanski arrived in Switzerland all ready to accept his lifetime achievement award at the Zurich Film Festival while sipping on a delicious piping hot cup of Swiss Miss (Yes, that's there official drink there). None of that shit is going to happen since bitch got arrested. And they don't serve Swiss Miss to inmates.

Swiss authorities arrested Roman at the request of the U.S. based on a warrant issued all the waaaay back in the olden times (aka 1978). Roman started running after he pleaded guilty to drugging a 13-year-old girl and having sex with her during a photo shoot at Jack Nicholson's house in 1977. Before he could be sentenced, Roman busted out of the US and has been living in France for the past ten million years.

This past July, Roman asked a California court to consider his request to throw the case out. The judge said he wouldn't even consider it if Roman didn't come to the U.S.

The victim, Samantha Geimer, has previously asked that all the charges be dropped, because everyone knowing about the details of that day causes harm to her, her husband and her children.

Roman is now being held by Swiss authorities and they are waiting on an official extradition request from the U.S.

I can't wait to see the very special episode of Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator where they nab Roman in Switzerland. Chris Hansen probably looks so adorable in lederhosen!