Brand new cast member Jenny Slate kicked off her first SNL episode last night with a BANG! Or should I say, with a FUCK! During one of her only skits, Jenny danced into my no-heart by dropping the FUCK BOMB. When she realized the beautiful word jumped out of her mouth, she made a "OH FUCK" blow fish face. Usually blows leads to fucks, but Jenny did it backwards last night.
Apparently, this is only the third time in SNL history that a cast member has brought out the FUCK. Some think Lorne Michaels might send Jenny to the back of the unemployment line, and others are sure the FCC will fine SNL.
I say the FCC should fine SNL for using the word "frickin." Seriously, it took me about 10-minutes to even type the word "f-r-i-c-k-i-n." I have to sound it out and type really slowly. My fingers don't want to do it! It's like I'm cheating on the already perfect FUCK word. Why use "frickin" when FUCK is there?
So, I have to slow cap for Jenny, because obviously she knew she couldn't disrespect the word FUCK like that over and over again. She had to show it some love. From fuck word lovers everywhere, thank you Jenny. Keep on fuck bombing!
And really, who FUCKIN' cares anyway? It's not like Jenny is introducing the word to anyone. Hell, babies come out of the womb screaming the word FUCK!
Detective Julie Bower, the star of TLC's Police Women of Broward County and the hair artiste responsible for that luscious "cocker spaniel going to the trailer park prom" hair. That's a compliment. Det. Bower exclusively works on missing person and sex crime cases. There's been a few episodes where she has to go undercover as a prostitution whore to catch tricks trying to pay for pussay. Det. Julie's sexy straw cloud of peroxide always seduce the johns in. I mean, who would ever turn down the chance to spend a little time with those wings of desire? Not me. And not you.
Phoebe Price (Does an angel ever age?)
Avril Lavigne (25)
Lil Wayne (27)
Anna Camp (27)
Gwyneth Paltrow (37)
Amanda Detmer (38)
Andy Lau (38)
Patrick Muldoon (41)
Alexis Stewart (44)
Stephan Jenkins (45)
Shaun Cassidy (51)
Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (59)
A Martinez (61)
Liz Torres (62)
Meat Loaf (62)
Don Cornelius (73)
Wilford Brimley (75)
Jayne Meadows (89)
NBC Philadelphia shot some very important footage of a mob of cunty turkeys (let's call them Heather Mills, Kate Gosselin, Michael K and Candy Spelling) attacking a woman and her son in their NJ neighborhood. Don't worry, the woman bruised her vocal cords a bit, but other than that, they were fine. They could have easily got the turkeys to quit that bitch by threatening to shove a box of Stove Top up their gobble gobbles.
Apparently, the wild turkeys wreak havoc every afternoon. Nobody knows where they come from or they why keep going back to the same neighborhood. It's a mystery. Paging Detective La Toya!
Maybe the turkeys think that 2009 is the year the tables will turn and they will eat stuffed human on Thanksgiving instead of the other way around. The turkeys are revolting! Keep fucking that chicken, turkeys!
The recession is fucking all of us over, but do we really need to be trading our children in for gas?! That's what a woman in Florida tried to do. Allegedly.
WTSP in Tampa reports that 37-year-old Marcy Pappalardo was arrested after a truck driver called 911 claiming that she tried to sell him her 6-year-old son for gas money. The police questioned the woman and then put her in handcuffs. Another woman who was in the car with Marcy says the truck driver is lying. According to her, the truck driver wanted sexy times from Marcy in exchange for gas money. When she turned him down, he made up the child selling story to get back at her.
The truck driver said the topic of sex was never brought up. Dude went on to say, "You know, I have mixed feelings. To see the kid crying like that on TV was tough. I caused that upon him and I have a kid of my own. But had it been the other way, where would the child be?"
Something in the milk ain't clean about this fuckery. You would have to have used tampons for brains to want to sell your kid for just gas money. I mean, I know a kid can't you get to the bar before 2-for-1 happy hour is over, but selling him for just gas money?! A Slurpee and a Slim Jim were not part of the deal. Talk about selling your poor kid short. How dreadful.
And instead of trading your kid for gas money, train him how to siphon tanks and snatch credit cards. That could be a real precious mother/son bonding moment. There's my parenting tip of the day!
Not only does Khloe Kardashian have to worry about how she's going to contain her thirst for the fresh blood of a baby cow during the wedding ceremony, but now she has to fret about prenup issues! Prenup for the pre-op!
TMZ says that lawyers for both Khloe and Lamar Odom (who just signed a $30 million deal with the Lakers) don't have enough time to finish a prenup before their wedding tomorrow. Khloe and Lamar won't move their wedding date, because E! is apparently paying the bill for the $1 million affair. The blessed event is being filmed for one of Khloe's reality shows and Sunday is the only day they can do this. You know, because it's the lord's day. There's no better day to completely shit on the holy union that is marriage. REJOICE!
Apparently, Lamar's lawyers are now working on a postnup, which means they will handle the agreement after the wedding. Also, Sunday's wedding might just be for show (like it already isn't) and the two will legally get married later when the prenup is signed.
I don't even know why the lawyers are sweating over this. Once it's signed, Khloe is just going to break into their offices in the dead of night and swallow the prenup whole so there will no trace of it.
This bunk ass marriage won't even last as long as the time it takes for the lawyers to work out the stupid prenup.
The producers of the UK's I'm A Celebrity....Get Me Out Of Here must have hacked into my brain area when it came time to cast this shit. By the way, it's not hard to hack into since the password is "1234" (just like LiLo!).
Britain's Daily Star (via IOL) says the producers are trying to round up Detective La Toya Jackson and Samantha Fox for the cast. Yes, two of the most talented and influential female stars of music (I'm not being sarcastic) sharing the screen together! This will be the greatest pairing since weed and Yo Gabba Gabba!
And since Toy Fox needs a live audience to witness their high levels of glamour, sources say Mitch Wino (Amy's famewhoring daddy), Tito Jackson, Brian McFadden, Brian Blessed and Nicola T are also in talks to join the cast.
At JFK yesterday, Maddox swept in led by his loyal pet billy goat. It's obvious Maddox was not amused, because his pet billy goat embarrassed him yet again by wearing a stupid hat from the Tommy Bahama outlet.
Maybe Maddox fed it to his pet billy goat on the plane. And hopefully, when his pet billy goat was asleep dreaming about Jennifer Aniston in a bikini (that goes out to all you Brangaloonies), Maddox took a pair of pinky shears (that's what my little cousin calls 'em) to that overgrown chin bush. It needs pruning in a bad way.
COCO is broken! YES, the ginge mop has been tousled. Bow your heads....
E! News says that Conan O'Brien busted his head while shooting a skit for last night's episode. Conan was running down a flight of stairs when he slipped and went down. An ambulance shuttled Conan off to the hospital where he's currently getting fixed up. Last night's show was canceled and they aired a repeat instead.
Conan, who might have amnesia now, joked about it afterwards: "Last thing I remember I was enjoying the play with Mrs. Lincoln, and the next thing I knew I was in bed being served cookies and juice."
You know, last night I watched (for the zillionth time) the greatest piece of art ever captured on celluloid, Showgirls. Conan falling down reminds me of the pivotal scene where Nomi pushes Cristal down the flights of stairs. Hm. Who was behind Conan? And where was Jay Leno in all of this? Because I've always thought of Jay and Conan as the Showgirls of late night talk shows.
Cliff Richard - British musical legend and the reason why my nipples holes have closed up this morning! If you skip on over to Cliff's website, you'll know what I'm talking about it. It's like I sashayed into a unicorn palace filled with rainbows and crystal bubbles.
As a songstress, Cliff has sold hundreds of millions of records. He has also had a #1 in the UK for five consecutive decades starting in the 1950s. Cliff is a lifelong bachelor and some say he loves a little peen in his honey buns, but he's never admitted it.
And Cliff is cheesier than Barry Manilow's cock fromage. That's a compliment.