Well, it's been another fuckery-filled year of eyebrow situations good and bad, exquisite lucite heels, cutlets of all types, I CANTS, ho shit, panty cream of various textures, bruised eardrums, scorched retinas, battered souls, ROJO!!!, Zahara side-eyes, ailing Aretha chichis, death threats from Beliebers, and restraining order renewals from both Mah Boo and Prince Hot Ginge. And now we'll stuff all of that into the tiny cardboard file box in our heads marked 2010.
You know, we'll probably forget all about it when we wake up from our debauchery-induced coma on the first morning of 2011! And by "debauchery" I mean lying on someone's couch with a bottle of whiskey I got for Christmas and a box of FINE GOURMET chocolates imported from California (aka fucking See's Candies). I can't wait!
And this is where I'm supposed to talk about my New Year's resolutions, but I really only have one. In 2011, I'm going to try lift up the toilet seat more because I really don't need my super to look up at me again while fixing it and tell me that I'm a messy pee-er. Actually, now that I think about it that was one of my favorite moments from 2010, so my one resolution should really be to be an even MESSIER pee-er in 2011. On that note...
I leave you with these pictures of Snooki looking like a shaved hamster in a ball at the Jersey Shore last night. The only good that can come of this is if they launch her into a portal in the sky where she'll be transported back to the Jurassic age and be reunited with her soulmate Holly.
Happy New Year, everybody! Thanks for dealing with my shit every single day.
It is not a crime but this TV heartthrob – who was caught cheating on his spouse in 2009 – has a serious foot fetish! He makes no bones about surfing the internet for websites where he can get his fill of clean, pedicured, polished tootsies. Wifey knows and is ok with it. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)
Who knew that one of 2010's parting images would be of David Boreanaz fapping to the feetsies of Rex Ryan's wife?
Which A-list actor gets his kicks driving his eco-friendly car through the gay mecca of West Hollywood, stopping to chat and flirt with star-struck male fans? Even though he is straight – and dates supermodels – he says he loves to keep his gay admirers guessing. (Blind Gossip)
Leonardo DiCatchaho: Giving gays blue balls since 1997
Last year this music oriented couple ended their engagement after YEARS together. “WHY?” everyone wanted to know. They blamed it on stress in the female’s personal life. It was stress, all right. She learned her fiance had been fooling around with a twentysomething young GUY for two years! How did she find out? She confirmed her suspicions by investigating his purchases at his favorite exclusive store. He bought two sets of every new outfit – one for himself in HIS size and one for the boyfriend in HIS size! (Janet Charlton)
Janet Janet and Jermaine Dupri? I don't blame her. How can you be with someone who wears matching outfits with his side piece?! Dry heave-ey and unforgivable.
Which hugely popular reality star is desperately trying to get onto the pages of Playboy? The barely legal gal - who’s had a very rough and tumble year – is so desperate to get naked for the cameras that she is trying to recruit her younger co-stars to join her in posing in the buff. (Blind Gossip)
Teen Mom Amber? And she's going to have to wait until Photoshop and Pixar put out a joint program.
This multi-hyphenate and her actor boyfriend have been in a steady relationship for several years. They live together. They’ve had a child/ren together. So why aren’t they married? Well, it’s because it’s not his style to play the third wheel. She is continuing to see her ex-girlfriend, a major force in the demise of her last famous marriage. That’s right. She’s bisexual. And she used to be bicoastal. Oh, and there’s one more, but that would make it too easy. (Blind Gossip)
Who is actor-director-saint-orphan savior Angie Jo and Brad Pitt?
I am extremely disappointed with myself that I've never met Sebastian Bach's fantastically glamour flower of a wife before, and we're meeting for the first time under sad circumstances too.
All of the embalming fluid that Sebastian Bach drinks to keep his face looking like cold death must've went straight to his brains, because for some bizarre reason he is divorcing his beautiful wife of 18 years, Maria Bierk. Sebastian had this to say to TMZ about their split:
"We have tried to work things out for the sake of our family but it has become apparent that our differences at this point are irreconcilable. In 2011 we go our separate ways."
How in the hell is Sebastian going to let a woman go who looks like a delicate pussy willow that only blooms on the planet Apollonia once a year? Something ain't right. I mean, look at this picture from 2005. When you meet an elegant goddess who wears lace chokers out in public after 1996, you hold on to her tightly and do whatever it takes to keep her in your life! They are a rare and ravishing breed.
LACE CHOKER! Sebastian Bach needs a crash course in recognizing SHEER BEAUTY, because he obviously doesn't know anymore. LACE CHOKER!!!
After first denying that his 7-week-old marriage is permanently stuck in the septic tank on the Girls Gone Wild bus, titty pimp Joe Francis has now confirmed that the rumor is true and his one-minute wife Christina McLarty has quit his ass for good. Joe issued a statement of words to UsWeekly which is almost the exact same message that Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo left on all of our voicemails after their marriage ended. This is ScarRey's statement from earlier this month:
"After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we've decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it's with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn't expected, it's certainly appreciated."
And this is Joe's:
"After careful and thoughtful consideration on both our parts, Christina and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. We entered into our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness that we leave it. We wish each other the best for the future.”
HAHAHAHAHA. That shit is the best. So much "thoughtful consideration" was put into their break-up that they couldn't even push out another ounce of "thoughtful consideration" for their exit statement so they just COPY AND PASTED that bitch! But there's still a glaring typo. Christina didn't enter with love. Bitch entered DRUNK AS FUCK and is now leaving completely sober, scarred for life, with broken knuckles (from punching the wall instead of punching Joe's Everlast-brand face) and a future filled with therapy bills and Silkwood showers.
LeAnn Rimes was probably up in her Cabo hotel suite posing in front of the mirror and thinking to herself about how all eyes and lenses will be on her once she sashays down to the beach in her bikini looking like an extra malnourished Aaron Carter with two rock hard moon jellyfish sucking on his nipples.
But LeAnn was in for a rude awakening even bigger than the one Eddie Cibrian experiences every morning when he wakes up next to her. LeAnn's fresh out of the silicone factory titties were upstaged by a hot piece with all-natural snow cone pecs and bottle cap nipples! Dude knows it too. He's casually standing there like "And?" while LeAnn is desperately making sure the paps get a 360 of her hot "Mr. Burns on Muscle Milk" body. Even though the seagulls are causing a commotion by squawking for life at the sight of LeAnn looking like a salamander trying to digest two large birds, homeboy with the delectable pecs is still getting all the attention!
A video featuring a hooded man poking an extra-long stick at another dude with a piece of hard wood in his hand sounds like something that should make you Saran wrap your office chair and reach for the stamp wetter (a perfect lube substitute), but that is not the case here! This is surveillance footage from a Virginia convenience store of a battle between a robber wielding a huge ass stick and a store owner who used a hammer to defend his store. Robbery is usually no laughing matter, but come the fuck on! Who the hell does that dumb ass robber think he is? A fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Fred Fucking Flinstone? Sticks belong in a ceramic vase in my old auntie's front hallway, not in the hands of a thieving thief who shops for shoes at Uline.
This clip really should be in black & white with a Benny Hill soundtrack and subtitles in an old timey font. Seriously, I kept waiting for a Keystone Kop to barge in with a cucumber in his hand.
Ginuwine has jumped off that pony to present to you the perfect cup of sweet nectar deliciousness for you to sip on as soon as your New Year's Eve orgy with Andre ends tomorrow morning. It's Adult Chocolate Milk! John Travolta's asshole can close its mouth and stop begging like a chick waiting for food, because it's not that KIND of adult chocolate milk, unfortunately. Adult Chocolate Milk is a fine 40 proof beverage made of leche, chocolate and vodka! Yes, a few glasses of Adult Chocolate Milk will probably leave my nose kissing toilet water for the rest of the night, but I must git me some! It's like a party in my mouth....but a hangover in my bowels. YAY! For now, Adult Chocolate Milk is only sold at a few Costcos and restaurants and liquor stores in CA, NM, NV and AZ. It's going to go nationwide sometime next year.
And I really hope Adult Chocolate Milk eventually comes in a small box (with attached straw), because I know a few hyper brats that really need this in their lunch box.
via Daily Mail
Donna Summer (62)
Donald Trump Jr. (33)
Joey McIntyre (38)
Lance Reddick (41)
Gong Li (45)
Nicholas Sparks (45)
Michael McDonald (46)
Val Kilmer (51)
Bebe Neuwirth (52)
James Remar (57)
Tim Matheson (63)
Diane von Fürstenberg (64)
Barbara Carrera (65)
Taylor Hackford (66)
Ben Kingsley (67)
Anthony Hopkins (73)
Rita Lee (83)
And Dudley Moore just ran the other way... But on a positive note, when the entire paint team from Color Splash doesn't slather layers of Benjamin Moore (in shade: carob) and mahogany varnish on Kim Kardashian's face, she actually looks like a real-life human person who breathes in oxygen with the rest of us!
The motherfucker takes a picture of you SANS FARDS and making a "Is this real life?" face (or maybe that's a "WRONG HOLE!" face) after you've just woken up. And then not only did Russell Brand capture Katy Perry in her most vulnerable state, but then he uploaded onto Twitter for a hot second before snatching it off. THAT BITCH. Katy better get revenge on Russell by taking a picture in his most vulnerable state: without jeggings on. Although, Katy will have to patiently wait until Russell rubs up against a rock and sheds that shit off, because jeggings are definitely his second skin.
via Too Fab